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5 Planets Not Run by Apes

You can’t trust a planet of the apes and I’ll tell you why – it’s run by apes.  We all love a chimpanzee when they’re wearing t-shirts and engaging in delightful antics, but the downside is that every so often a chimp can and will take a person’s face and/or limbs off.  That’s not even a joke, Google it.  A chimp is literally like 4 times as strong as you and will kick the ever loving shit out of you if it wants to.  And a gorilla?  Forget about it.  That’s why, when it’s my time, I ain’t going to no ape planet.  And neither should you.  Let’s try one of these others planets.

Planet of the Vampires

This movie was made in the 1960s and it’s pretty much the blueprint for sexy.  Like I really think sexy may not have existed before this movie. There may have been alluring or attractive, but this was the sex bomb.  Behold!

Look at those collars!  I know some douchebags who wish they could pop a collar like that.  Clearly the Planet of the Vampires was pretty boss.  Maybe even dope.  I dunno, what did they say in the 1960s?  Far out?  Groovy?  Lame as shit?  Whatever.

Planet of the Vampire Women

In a strange twist of crap, this movie was made in 2011 and looks like it may have had a lower budget than the 1960s vampire planet movie.  It’s possible the people in this movie were just working for snacks.  They made it campy on purpose though which is really your only option when your end product is going to look kind of like ass, so at least it has that level of self awareness.  Plus some of those chicks are kinda hot.  Hot chicks love it when you say that.  Call me.

I like to think there’s a scene in which someone asks a vampire woman to keep her hands off and calls her a damn, dirty vampire woman, but you never know.

Planet of Prehistoric Women

In a just world, this would be a movie about an astronaut landing on planet Boobula and discovering that’s people with women who need to be sexed up and there are no men even though that doesn’t make sense and there are fried chicken trees and maybe a beer fountain.  Is that sexist?  Eat shit, they don’t have sexism on this planet.

I have a hell of a time finding a good clip of this movie, but then it occurred to me probably none exist because probably the whole movie looks like this;

So it’s a whole planet of bleach blonde chicks who look upset that they have to poop or something.  Whatever.  And there’s a bird.

Planet of Dinosaurs

I could embed this whole friggin movie right here if I wanted, but then you would never trust another video clip I embedded ever again. The audio in the first 60 seconds is so terrible I had to stop it.    But don’t let that ruinb your good opinion of a planet ruled by dinosaurs.  Just think if Mars was full of raptors, being the only dinosaur anyone cares about since 1993.  In fact, just look at this!


That’s the condensed version of the movie and for my money, that’s a dino planet I could get into.  Look at the some of those awesome mustaches.  And skirt ladies.  And stabbing weapons.  Kick ass.

Planet of the Erotic Ape

This movie is also called Babes in Kong Land, but the idea a world of erotic apes exists by any name is both comforting and fearsome at the same time.  Fearsome because eew, and comforting because ha!

I couldn’t find a trailer for this movie anywhere, other than a few porn sites, which doesn’t bode well for anyone aside from the niche market of ape porn fans.  But I did read this synopsis of the movie;

A planet where seductive lesbians are the 8th Wonder of the World and the dominant species becomes the setting for this sensual adventure that travels deep into the Forbidden Zone. That’s because these sexy and libidinous ladies have banished men and made apes their personal slaves. Into this world comes a TV repairman-turned-mad doctor whose unique invention that tunes into the erotic signals from distant galaxies instead transports him to this uninhibited paradise.

So yeah.  There’s that.

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