Blizzard is already unveiling content for their latest expansion, Cataclysm, which hits shelves in December. The most highly anticipated feature of the game, as with The Burning Crusade from a few years back, is the addition of new playable races. This time around it’s the werewolf-like Worgen and Goblins. Most players will be happy with these new choices and enjoy spending 20 hours a day leveling up until they reach end game, and then sitting idly in main cities for hours on end trying to find other players willing to run raids with them, but not all.
If you’ve never played Warcraft, you may be surprised to learn that the same people you don’t like everywhere else on the internet are there too, only they have cartoon avatars that can dance and can fly around on a phoenix mount that you don’t have, a fact they will continue to run in your face. But more than that, they will complain. They will complain if any player seems to be better than them at any aspect of the game, they will complain that other people aren’t as good as them, they will complain if they can’t get the loot they want and they will complain if their keyboard is too sticky with tears and Nutella for them to execute a timely heal in a dungeon. And now they complain about Warcraft’s new races.
To give voice to these whiners whose voices are hoarse from too much whining in any forum in which they are somewhat welcome, Holy Taco has compiled their concerns here, to allow you and the powers that be at Blizzard to see just what everyone wants to do in future warcraft expansions
Never played Wow? A murloc is a semi-retarded fishman, like the Creature From the Black Lagoon after head trauma. Imagine if Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Keith Richards had a baby that had rage issues, that would be a murloc. By and large they exist in the game in low level areas and serve as a nuisance since when you attack one, three more will show up and shame you by killing you, even though they’re naked, glistening tuna people with poor posture.
Despite the lameness of murlocs, or maybe because of it, they’ve achieved the kind of cult status typically reserved for movies no one gets like Repo Man. Murlocs are so loved that, at any given moment, players in the game will spontaneously burst into a rousing Murloc Game, wherein they simply list movie titles with “murloc” replacing a key word, like “Three Murlocs and a Baby” or “Debbie Does Murloc.” Sound hilarious? Well…that’s interesting. This can go on in game chat for hours and hours. Fun!
As popular as they are, murlocs are not a playable race in the game yet and that’s a travesty. With their mouthful-of-runny-oatmeal speech impediments and Justin Bieber physiques they must surely have a fun, rich history that could be brought to light for the enjoyment of all.
• Underwater breathing
• Limp slapping
• Hilarious war cry
Pandaren have been a rumored addition to warcraft for years, because people who play video games for 16 hours a day like the idea of being adorable while they slaughter virtual enemies. There’s probably a deep rooted psychiatric issue at play in all that but we’re a comedy website and can’t be bothered to address curious cyber-furry fetishism. And frankly, if they’re not dressing like pandas in real life for the purpose of having awkward, off-kilter coitus with portly friends dressed like Babar, we’re pretty happy.
For reasons that are hard to explain, Pandarens are epic drunks. Naturally they do martial arts because pandas are Chinese and all Asians are ninjas. The drunk thing is just a bit of a curveball. Sure, Jackie Chan did Drunken Master but how that relates to bamboo-chewing, non-breeders is anyone’s guess.
• Deceptive cuddliness accentuated by violent, face-eating powers
• Wide Load
You’ll notice that this is a walrus man. Most of the things in Warcraft are a something-man. There’s rock men and fire men and wolverine men and bear men and this is the shit end of the “man” stick, a walrus man. Presumably it’s main power is the ability to make commercials about diabetes medication or oatmeal, noone really knows. And that’s why they should be a playable race, because right now there isn’t a single species in warcraft that looks like it might get winded after thinking about running, except for maybe dwarves, and even then the threat of cardiac arrest isn’t as omnipresent as it is with Tuskarr. This dude looks like he’s inches away from just packing it in to live in a shack by himself on a Canadian island.
The fact is a lot of older people play Warcraft, it’s not all poorly raised, misanthropic tweens. Those older people, the neglectful parents of said tweens, need characters they can relate to and who better than an out of shape fisherman with unkempt facial hair? Who? WHO?
• Capable of managing diabeetus
• Smells like fish
The engine that keeps Warcraft moving forward is boobs, which is unsurprising since the internet was created in the early 80’s by two nerds who scanned boob pictures into a Commodore 64 during a lightning storm which lead to the magic of the web we know and love today. From the very moment you start up Warcraft you are given the choice to play wirh boobies or not. Every race and class has a male and female version, so while you could be a massively muscled male Tauren Shaman, you could also be a svelte cow with a big rack. Even the undead have big racks. Big, undead racks. If the hardworking men and women at Blizzard aren’t already attempting to do away with the superfluous bodies and just make Boob warriors, Boob Druids and Boob Priests, I’ll eat my hat.
• Trampoline boost of all stats
If you don’t hate the out of doors already, Warcraft can and will change that. But probably you do if you play Warcraft because there’s no room in your busy raid schedule for riding buses or noticing that nature happens.
The Shut-In would offer unprecedented gameplay by immersing players in the most realistic role yet. Warriors wear plate and stand at the forefront of battle. Shut-Ins will sit in a comfortable chair away from windows. Druids can transform into bears, birds and beasts of war. Shut-Ins can transform their limited edition Optimus Prime into his truck form, if they were willing to take it out of the package, which they’re not. Warlocks fight with the aid of demon minions. Shut-Ins eat cakes.
• Plentiful snacks
• Dim lighting
• Access to recliners