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5 Potential Opponents for George Zimmerman’s Celebrity Boxing Match

(Behold: The most punchable face in the universe. / Props: TMZ)

By Ben Goldstein

Yesterday, TMZ reported that acquitted killer and amateur painter George Zimmerman has agreed to compete in a celebrity boxing match. According to promoter Damon Feldman (possible relation to Corey?), Zimmerman is open to fighting a black person, but “we’re not looking at it as a race thing.”

Clearly, this is one of the most shameful cash-ins since Tila Tequila converted to Nazism to promote her sex tape, and nobody should support it. On the other hand, I’d love to see how tough George is without that fucking gun. With that in mind, here are five people who should accept the challenge and go toe-to-toe with the Zimmernator.

Mike Tyson

Tyson hasn’t boxed professionally since 2005, and the former madman has somehow turned into a soft-spoken, self-aware gentleman. Nevertheless, I think it would be a cleansing experience for this nation to see George Zimmerman — a touchstone of racial tension — get brutally gut-punched by Iron Mike. There. Now we’re even.

Casey Anthony

Not only would this fight match up two notorious (alleged!) killers who got off thanks to a totally inept Florida legal system, it would also include an inter-gender angle, which is always a good time. No matter who gets their ass kicked, I think we’d all be satisfied.

Jose Canseco

For one thing, Jose is a veteran of the celebrity boxing circuit; he once fought to a draw against Danny Bonaduce, and was brutally knocked out by former NFL player Vai Sikahema. And in a weird twist, he already owes celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman an appearance. Back in 2011, Canseco tried to pull a fast one on Feldman by sending his twin brother Ozzie to fight a boxing match in his place. (“Fans…were able to point out the impostor due to a difference between Ozzie’s and Jose’s respective tattoos.”) Maybe Canseco can make amends with Feldman by fighting Zimmerman for free. All proceeds would go to the Free Jose Canseco’s Goats Foundation.

Steven Seagal

The bloated former action star currently splits his time between thinking he’s an MMA coach and thinking he’s a national security expert. For all his talk about how lethal he’d be in a real fight, we’ve never seen Seagal throw down outside of a movie set, so this would be a good opportunity for him to prove that he could at least wrist-lock the shit out of an unarmed racist. I’d give him 2-1 odds, at least.

5) Me?

(Sculpture of the author, via aftimes.com)

Not to suck my own dick, but I know a thing or two about this fighting stuff. I’ve studied martial arts almost my entire life, and I’m currently a boxing/kickboxing instructor at a gym in Michigan. I’m pretty confident I could take George out within two rounds, particularly if head kicks were allowed. According to TMZ, all you have to do is email fightgeorge@hotmail.com if you want to offer yourself as a potential opponent for Zimmerman. (Hotmail! LMFAO!) So why not me? If nothing else, a celebrity boxing match against George Zimmerman could be a great way to promote HolyTaco.com, my gym, and my upcoming sex tape. If you’d like to support my efforts to fight George Zimmerman, send a tweet @holytaco with the hashtag #BenvsGeorge. My only stipulation is that the bout can’t take place in Florida. I just don’t trust the judging down there.

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