will be doing a late night talk show on TBS, starting in November. This is huge news for Conan fans, who have been eagerly anticipating Conan’s next move. TBS isn’t exactly the ideal scenario for Conan, though, and there’s bound to be some noticable differences between Conan’s TBS show and his past shows. Here are 5 predictions
for Conan’s new TBS show, which debuts in November:
Tyler Perry Will Replace Andy Richter
Tyler Perry must be involved in every TBS show that’s ever made, and we suspect that Andy Richter is a drunk. Therefore, this switch seems to be a foregone conclusion. Everyone knows that before Tyler Perry, TBS was nothing but a "cum dumpster" for the real networks, where they could dump off their "blown loads", which is a old timey TV term for old shows. So, while TBS was wandering the basic cable streets cracked out on re-runs and wondering who its next network TV john would be, Tyler Perry pulled up in a cool Range Rover, said "Very Funny", and saved that little two-bit whore from basic cable purgatory in a Pretty Woman sort of way. It makes sense for TBS to stick with its thoroughbred Tyler Perry, creator of mature tranny hit after mature tranny hit, to give their new Conan show that extra punch it needs to make it completely unstoppable. Also, Tyler Perry is going to want in on that Conan stuff for sure, and if TBS pisses off Tyler Perry, he could easily walk off with 60% of their programming.
Conan Will Grow a Badass Mexican Mustache
Conan’s show is is scheduled right before The George Lopez Show, which is being bumped to a later time slot. This means that when Conan’s new show debuts, it’s going to be mistakenly viewed by at least a couple hundred Hispanic people who are expecting George Lopez. Conan will have to capture that mistaken audience quickly. There’s only one problem: he’s a tall, pale Irish man who’s hardly appealing to hispanic people. Luckily, there’s one thing that Hispanic people will always find instantly appealing: badass mustaches. What do Cheech Marin, Edward James Olmos, and Salma Hayek have in common? Two things: they’re all Mexican, and they all have mustaches. Conan could pull off an awesome Mexican mustache, but he’ll have to start working on it now if he wants to be ready for the show in Noviembre.
Eerily Familiar New Characters
NBC still owns the rights to all of the classic Conan characters that we’ve come to love, but that’s not going to stop Conan from creating a whole new collection of memorable characters for us to enjoy. But with only a few months of prep time and a basic cable budget, he’s probably not going to put too much time into these characters. You can expect a lot of twists on eerily recognizable characters, but soon characters like The Butt-Plugging Bear, Victory the Complimentary Kitty Cat, PriestBot 6000, and Vagisil Rita will be considered "almost as memorable as their original counterparts", and we’ll all look forward to Conan pulling the "Family Guy Re-Run Clip" Lever. It’ll still be entertaining, but you’ll definitely feel creepy watching it.
TBS Will Change Their Network Slogan
Right now, TBS’s slogan claims that the network is "Very Funny", but this is based on the fact that nothing on TBS is funny, and therefore everything can be labeled as "funny" because there’s no actual funny to compare it to. The introduction of Conan into the TBS line-up will add some actual funniness to their programming (even though it may not be as funny as Conan’s shows have been in the past), meaning that TBS will have to adjust their slogan to accurately reflect their network’s content. Obviously, the easiest way for them to do this is to consider Conan’s show "Very Funny", and then classify every other TBS show based on that level of funniness. For example, The Office re-runs would be classified as "Moderately Funny", My Boys would be classified as "N/A", etc. Using this new TBS Funny Scale, we’ve come up with a great new TBS slogan to save them some time:
Max Weinberg Will Be Replaced by Bon Jovi Drummer Tico Torres
As November draws nearer, we’ll discover that NBC actually owns Max Weinburg (probably due to a poorly played wager on Max’s part in regards to a Globetrotter’s game in 1992). As everyone knows, TBS is to NBC as Bon Jovi is to Bruce Springstein, which means that the obvious replacement for Max Weinburg will be Bon Jovi drummer Tico Torres. It’ll be a difficult adjustment at first, but Tico’s soulpatch will easily compensate for the lack of Weinburg’s famous Dead-Eyed Stare. More importantly, Tico will be warmly welcomed by the largely "urban" audience that’s anxiously awaiting the start of The George Lopez Show. Also, since Bon Jovi isn’t nearly on the level of cultural relevance that Springstein is on, Conan will finally be able to put a stop on the frequent absences that Weinburg burdened him with while he was off galavanting with the E Street Band and snorting uncomfortable amounts of blow (hence the aforementioned Dead-Eyed stare).