Have you ever eaten a Pawpaw? Probably not, and the reason is because, in the entire history of the United States, which has existed alongside this fruit, not a single person has bothered to farm it. Hundreds of years, this exotic fruit, that’s apparently delicious and good for you, has just been sitting around with its fruity thumb in its butt because no one cared enough to cultivate it. Or did they?
Rumor has it native Americans used to greatly enjoy it and Thomas Jefferson grew it on his property back in the day, and even had seeds sent overseas so he could grow some while he was in France. Somewhat reminiscent of a mango, it’s very common across the US and some parts of Canada. So why has no one heard of it? Because they look like balls. Full on, unripened balls.
Presentation isn’t always everything, but let’s face it, mother nature drops the ball sometimes and some fruit comes out looking and tasting like hobo heiney. And it doesn’t end with Pawpaw, the woods are full of ass fruits that health food stores may tell you are awesome, but your senses will shun like an adulteress at the market.
In fairness, durian is very popular in Asia. However, it should also be noted that it was a feature on Fear Factor during their disgusting eating challenges. So the producers felt this fruit, in its natural state, stood up to live bugs, pig rectum and animal dong. As endorsements go, that’s a pretty crappy one.
The internet assures us durian is delicious, you just have to get over the smell. Durian smells so bad, there are signs on buildings in some Asian countries that tell you not to bring the dirty shit-berries inside. The smell has been described as like rotten onions and raspberries in a toilet, and will leave your breath smelling like you French kissed your dead grandmother. Anthony Bourdain said that. For real.
People will go on about how delicious the fruit tastes but the fact is this; if you found out tomorrow that tongue bathing a homeless man tasted kind of like a delicious turkey club sandwich you still wouldn’t chase down Boxcar Willy to slurp his crevices.
The Ugli fruit doesn’t get its name from some obscure Norwegian word that actually means “kick ass deliciousness.” It comes from the word “ugly” because this fruit is butt ugly. It looks like an orange that someone stored in the bowels of a large land mammal.
A trademarked cross between a grapefruit, an orange and a tangerine, it probably tastes exactly like you’d expect it to; citrus. Selling citrus is usually about as hard as selling reality TV to people who attend DeVry. However, when all you have to offer is an orange that looks like Mr. Burns gave birth to it then maybe you’re facing an uphill battle when it comes to marketing.
I have to potentially apologize to all Cape Gooseberry farmers around the world as I may be mislabeling your product. The fact is there are about 100 fruits that all mostly look the same, and this one seems like it might have been the one I tasted not so long ago and quickly renamed “garbage berry.”
There’s a tiny orange fruit inside a dry, papery wrapper and it tricks you into thinking you’re opening a delightful present. Everyone likes presents! Unless the present tastes like sour crotch, which is what the garbage berry tastes like. There’s almost a citrusy burst at first, and something akin to a tomato in there, and then suddenly you’re left questioning what that flavor in your mouth is. You know it, but it seems wrong, like something you don’t normally eat. But why do you recognize it? You recognize it, because it tastes the way that three inches of water in the bottom of your garbage can on a mild summer’s day smells. Up yours, garbage berry.
Dragon fruit is slowly gaining in popularity for no other reason than that fact that it should be awesome. You want to think it’s awesome. It’s called dragon fruit, for God’s sake. It looks awesome. It should destroy villages and smite bananas because they are weak, pussy fruits. It should fly out of trees into baskets during harvest and when you eat it you should gain the ability to see through walls or super sex any lady around. Instead, when you eat one, you get a mouthful of pasty mush that tastes kind of like paper-based pudding steeped in distilled water that a real fruit may have farted on in passing.
Like the dragon fruit, a sugar apple looks awesome and should, if there were any justice, grow on trees where nearly identical lizards nest, so that you’re never sure if you’re about to grab a fruit or cold-blooded death when you harvest them. But that doesn’t happen and this thing ain’t no apple.
The inside of the sugar apple looks like a storehouse for albino turds and the experience doesn’t improve much past the visual. Most websites will describe the taste of the fruit as custard-like. If you research enough fruit, you’ll notice half he crap you never eat is described as custard-like. When’s the last time you had custard, anyway? There’s a reason you don’t eat that shit, either.
The real flavor of the sugar apple is something less like custard and more like semi-sweet sludge around giant seeds. Mmm. That, combined with their reptilian appearance accounts for why you’re not sucking on a sugar apple Jolly Rancher right now.