Strip clubs are an American institution. Some are dank and creepy, while others feel like you need to pay an outrageous monthly club fee just to step foot inside. But, for better or worse, all strip clubs are magical lands of nudity, drunkenness and depravity. They serve a vital role in any society, as they act as an outlet for out inherent need to see a naked person climb to the top of a 25-foot-tall brass pole, then slide down to the stage in a spiral using only their thighs. Without such a place, well, we’d have a lot more brass pole-related deaths in our homes.
But there are some guidelines that we all must follow that aren’t made abundantly clear from the moment we enter. So get your dollar bills ready, because we’re about grease ourselves up and school you in some strip club etiquette.
Be Mindful of the Level of Class
There are 3 kinds of strip club, each of which oddly mirror socio-economic class systems. There’s the…
Lower Class – Low class strip clubs are the seedy, stabby strip clubs where VD and sticky floors are practically a headlining act. This is where you can find all of the lovely and quaint strip club stereotypes, such as: cesarean scars, one-legged strippers, various forms of prosthetics, men that have come to plot some kind of murder-related crime, illiteracy, etc.
– Nicer, cleaner, and the dancers seem like they don’t rely on welfare just to stay afloat. Middle class strip clubs tend to have a larger stable of dancers that makes it seem like there’s some kind of amazing cloning machine just behind the stage curtains that churns out a new sexy lady every time a new song starts.
High Class – These are the big, world famous clubs. The kind found in Vegas where everyone in attendance is all gussied up in their finest evening wear and everyone drops wads of cash that look like 6 months worth of your rent and car payments combined. The dancers here are usually model caliber, and there’s a good chance most of them have at least been asked to perform some wild sexual acts in high-end pornos.
There are certain things that are acceptable in one class level that aren’t in another. For instance, morale is usually so low in the lower class strip clubs that you probably ask for any kind of sexual favor and your wish will be granted, even if it involves farm animals and a My Size Barbie. But try that in a high class strip club, where the women a wined and dined and generally treated like nude royalty, and there’s a good chance you’ll wake you in a full body cast as a doctor struggles to describe the size of the lawn gnome that was wedged in your ass.
Asking For Sexual Favors
As we previously discussed in the section above, asking for sexual favors in a strip club is a risky maneuver. If you’re lucky, the stripper might just bring the topic up out of the blue. If this happens, thank whatever God you pray to, because they have just bestowed upon you a choice that every guy wants to make. Even if you decline the offer, the stripper simply asking you the question is like a badge of honor. If people got X-Box Live achievements in real life, this would be one of them. But the chances of the stripper asking you for sex of any sort are low.
The best way to broach the subject is ease in to the question. Start off with a few simple “Getting to know you” questions, then move in for the big question: “Where are you from?”, “That’s interesting. What is your major?”, “Can we bang out by the dumpsters?”
Baby steps, people. It’s all about the baby steps.
If you get mind-bendingly drunk at a strip club, you run the risk of waking up the next morning without the faintest clue as to why your tighty-whities are loaded with dollar bills, and why your thighs are oiled. But not getting drunk enough will probably allow reality to set in and you’ll realize that going to a strip club is like asking someone to make you an awesome sandwich, and then telling them to wave it in front of your face as you starve to death.
The key is to find that middle ground where you can appreciate the idea of a naked women that you’ll probably never get to bed, and where you’ll still have enough wits about you to be able to hear your conscious say, “No, running in to the stripper dressing room to free them from their shackles of thong’ed oppression is not a good idea.”
Lap dances can be an awkward experience. There are all the little rules and regulations established either by the strip club, or the stripper currently rubbing up all over you. The best thing to do is to give it a minute and make the lap dance look as painfully awkward as you can. Once the stripper
notices your conservative nature, she may make some suggestions. Maybe she’ll let you put your hands on her hips? Maybe she’ll let you get your face in really close to her oily nasty bits? The point is, let her tell you what to do. She’ll thank you by getting naked just for you. If you break this rule, she’ll reprimand you by sicing the think-necked bouncer over – the guy with a little bit of PTSD and an inability to know when the face he’s punching can no longer be classified as a face. Tipping
Some people drop large sums, some drop whatever they can afford, knowing they have to feed themselves at some point in their life. But, depending on how frequently you visit strip clubs, there’s a good chance that you’re going to have one night where you spend more money on some a girl named Buttcheeks St. Cloud than you ever have on furniture for your home. When/if this happens, you should probably hate yourself. You’re going to try to justify your wild spending spree on “having a good time,” but, in reality, it’s just sad. All of your friends know it’s sad, and, worst of all, you know it’s sad. You basically just paid a woman a whole hell of a lot of money to mock your loneliness and bad life choices.
There really isn’t much advice to give a person when they find themselves in this predicament, other than, “Wow, that…sucks for you, dude.”