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The 5 Saddest Bars to Drink In

A Very Special Guest Article by Joe Donatelli
A good bar is filled with good people, good atmosphere, and endless opportunities for drunken debauchery. A sad bar is filled with about five or six people who sit at the bar looking as if their souls have been crushed long ago, their faces a mixture of apathy and despair, giving off a vibe of "too lazy for suicide". Here are those people’s favorite places to hang out, also known as The Saddest Bars to Drink In:
The Mall Bar
Malls Bars are sad for many reasons. The first reason is the location: twenty yards from your bar stool, mocking you with its innocence, is a Jamba Juice, a Hot Topic, or a Build-a-Bear.  If you are any type of real man, you have to ask yourself, "Would Sinatra order a drink in a joint that shares a wall with a Build-a-Bear?" The answer is yes, but only because he was a raging alcoholic.  Even worse, mall bars are immediate proof your hometown sucks. You don’t even have a real bar to call your own. Nothing cool happens at mall bars. At real bars, fights break out, people hook up and make out in the bathroom, and the entire place doesn’t smell like the Panda Express that it shares a ventilation system with. Don’t think the sadness of a mall bar would alienate patrons, though.  There’s bound to be 4 or 5 of them slouched over the bar, and they’ll gladly tell you about the greatest night that mall bar ever saw, which involved a drunken Santa trying to hump the Golden Tee machine. That’s pretty much the "good times" high point for a mall bar.
The Neighborhood Sports Bar That Time Forgot

Thanks to ESPN and satellite TV, neighborhood Sports Bars sprang up across the country in the 1980s as quickly as herpes sprang up on your loins after you tried on those clothes at the Goodwill last weekend. Unlike the herpes, though, most of those Sports Bars have faded with time, but every town seems to have one Sports Bar Owner who refuses to give up the dream, but also refuses to update his establishment. The pennants and the team photos on the walls are from two decades ago. Some of the neon signs advertise beer brands that don’t exist anymore. The women who occupy the establishment were probably sevens in 1986, but hover right around one and half now. The only piece of technology inside that dates later than 1989 is the lone flat screen T.V. above the bar. The bar is known for always being open,  and ironically none of the rummy regulars give a shit about sports.
Airport Bar

The Airport Bar is the Mall Bar’s close cousin; it is a victim of its environment. Airport bars tend to blend into the rest of the airport, which does nothing for the atmosphere inside. They’re usually poorly lit, which in bar terms means they’re way too bright. Bars are dark for a reason: darkness is relaxing, sexy, and (most importantly) hides all the ugly people. Bright lighting provides none of those benefits. Aside from the general ambiance of the establishment, Airport Bars tend to attract a particular type of patron: the person who just wants to get loaded so that they can pass out on a plane in 40 minutes. It’s not exactly the best crowd to party with.  If you ever see a person smiling in an Airport Bar, it’s only because they are thinking of a time when they were at another bar.
The Chain Restaurant Bar
Let’s clarify one thing: people do not go to Chain Restaurant Bars to drink. People end up in Chain Restaurant Bars to drink. There is a HUGE difference between the two. You go to a bar of your choice to meet up with friends, or check out the hot girls, or because people there know you. You end up at a bar because you have run out friends, there are definitely not going to be any hot girls there, or you do not have anywhere else better to go. In case you aren’t grasping this concept yet, here’s a good way to think about it: you go to the movies, concerts, or beach parties. You end up at: hospitals, jails, cemeteries. The Chain Restaurant Bar falls into the latter category.
Bowling Alley Bar

Bowling Alley Bars will always have three things in common: a "weathered" bartender, carpeted floors, and those tortured souls whose lives are filled with impossible-to-convert 7-10 splits. Maybe this is why they drink at the bowling alley: it’s the place where they can find comfort in their shared failures. The gutter, in all its forms, is very visible from the stool of a Bowling Alley Bar. Bowling Alley bars have a plus side, though: the beer is usually cheap, and there is little opportunity for you to stumble out some early afternoon and construct and grotesque five-headed Build-a-Bear.
Check out more of Joe Donatelli’s writing at joedonatelli.com

35 Responses to "The 5 Saddest Bars to Drink In"

  1. MONSTERTACO says:

    The picture for #2 is clearly misleading. No Danish bar can be considered “sad” given the quality of Danish beer and women. BRONDBY IF FOREVER!!!

  2. Lou Woods says:

    Wow, there just isnt anything worse than a “sad” bar!


  3. tight teenage slut says:

    I like roleplaying, especially when its someone tying me up and playing cops and robbers or hide and go seek, you hiding your peen inside my vagina. (Donkeyxote you know you want it)

  4. ShartFace says:

    You forgot the “The Scuzzy Bar in the Back of the Liquor Store.” I’ve only seen a few of these in Jersey, but man o man, the scavengers that live there look like the bottom dwellers you see on a discovery channel special about deep sea creatures, where they got extra albinoey skin and huge bug eyes that cant see.

  5. You All Suck says:

    /\ This ass clown has erectile dysfunction

  6. You All Suck says:

    You are all fags that will never get laid and probably beat up a lot when you get to high school. Have fun going columbine fags

  7. Gomer says:

    ^ Dumbass has self-esteem issues.

  8. gary coleman says:

    first, you pieces of shit

  9. This Girl Is Hot says:

    You piece of shit Gary Coleman, I was first before you!! I was just writing my stuff!

    damn captcha!

  10. Frank says:

    It took you 11 minutes to come up with that? I’d stop bitching about not being first and start bitching about not being funny. Go punch your parents in the face for raising a dumbass.

  11. Stabseth says:

    LOL ! 25 Worst Drinks to Get Drunk On = http://bit.ly/mDkDh

  12. Now that was funny bitch says:


  13. This girl is hot! says:

    Frank you can kiss my @$$ you stupid motherfucker! You are lucky I’m not there rip you in one million pieces!!

  14. DonkeyXote says:

    This girl is hot= FAIL

    You’re not funny fuckwit, just stop trying. And I know its you that is copying my name you little bitch!

  15. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Did anyone say shit? or pieces of shit?

    I call dibs on it!!!

  16. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Dwight, you’re one dumb motherfucker. If you’re gonna copy me at least change the format of your idiotic posts.

    (Insert random nick, usually DonkeyXote) = FAIL

    Blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah! (You get the idea)

  17. rory says:

    I hereby name thee shat of the puddley burning variety.

  18. DonkeyXote's Dad says:

    ^^^ is clearly DonkeyShow showing his pussy-bitch habits again. Man up bitch, you’re an embarassment to our family.

  19. tight teenage slut says:

    I want to suck cock so bad right now, mmm anyone want to play?

  20. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Me!! me!! but can we RPG for the first 45 minutes? I’ll be Luke Skywalker and you be Ponda Baba.

    You start!

  21. DonkeyXote says:

    Hey, no cuts fuckwit, I was here stalking her first. Remember, I sent you that decapitated teddy bear asking you to please toss my salad! Remember… please give me attention, I’m so lonely…

  22. Anonymous says:

    ^^^ That is clearly Dwight K. Schrute etal,. regurgitating his frustration towards DonkeyXote.

  23. Rhaysha the 4th says:

    YOU….ARE…..A DUDE, AREN”T YOU??????

  24. This Girl Is Hot says:

    OMG, at last I’m first!!!!


  25. tard says:

    No you’re not, you fucking mall bar slut, no wait, you fucking retarded mall bar slut.

  26. In Therapy says:

    There are only 4 in front of her….that’s almost FIIIIIIIIRSSSSSST.

  27. The Mighty Gonad says:

    replies dont count you shit-exploder

  28. The Onion That Makes You Cry says:

    This Girl Is Hot! = Dwight K. Schrute et al,.

  29. Gomer says:

    I hooked up in a mall bar before.

    With the mall Santa.

    Yeah, none of you will ever be as badass as me.

  30. Other White Meat says:

    Come on the Mall bar is perfect. How else are you supposed to handle your girlfriends 4 hour shopping spree at the Gap?

  31. American Idol Judge says:

    Good call meat, however how did you get dragged out for a four hour shopping spree? One or two drinks during the obligatory 1 hour shopping before new years eve is OK but why would you be dragged to the gap? Four hours at the mall bar is def going to be a bit douchy.

  32. El Grande Douche says:

    fuck that–I used to get drunk AT the Gap. I don’t need no pussy mall bar!

  33. drunk says:

    You got the bar that time forgot all wrong. That’s a picture of the 500 Club in SF, and it’s probably the most popular dive bar in town – completely every weekend.

  34. Evil Kind of Kat says:

    i worked at a chain restaurant once and come christmas i got to play santa for a night, passing out candy canes to kids and what not and APPARENTLY getting a handjob from one of the patrons who were “into thiat kind of thing”. in summation, i’ve got no problems with chain restaurant bars.

  35. Gomer says:

    Did you work at a mall bar too?
    I had a Santa give me a blow job at one, and I think you might be him.