A Very Special Guest Article by Casey O’Donnell
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Everyone is aware of what MLK
did for the American Civil Rights Movement of the 1960′s
: he was completely responsible for it. In honor of his tremendous efforts in the fight
for equality, we’ve found a few other things that could use a Civil Rights Movement to gain the equality they deserve:
The Slanket is exactly the same product as the Snuggie. In fact, it’s even better in some ways (i.e., it’s longer than a Snuggie). Yet, much like African Americans of the ’50′s and ’60′s, the Slanket is often looked upon by ignorant morons as an inferior product that’s simply not as effective as it’s more populous counterpart. In reality, both of these products are 100% equal, if you don’t take into account the crappy book light that comes with the Snuggie.
How the Equality Speech Might Sound: "I have a dream that one day, a blanket with sleeves will not be judged by the ridiculous hilarity of its commercials and their subsequent internet virality, but rather by its effectiveness at covering your body with a warm yet breathable fabric while relaxing on the couch at home, camping with your family, or even enjoying an outdoor sporting event."
Somehow, many people have taken to the notion that ponchos are a trashy, poor-man’s method of wet weather avoidance, and therefore they’re no substitute for the more civilized umbrella. These people would consider a poncho nothing more than a trashbag with armholes. To those people I would ask: what is an umbrella, other than a trashbag on a stick? You think about that, poncho haters.
How the Equality Speech Might Sound: "I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, during a moderate rainstorm, a man holding an umbrella might sit next to a man wearing a poncho and consider not his method of drench-avoidance, but only that the two of them, together, are of equal dryness."
Strippers show their tits for money. Vegas Showgirls do the same exact thing
. Yet, for some reason, strippers are commonly looked down upon and considered trashy, low-class citizens, while Vegas Showgirls are considered the poster children of Vegas elegance. Both categories of entertainers indiscriminately show their titties to anyone who will pay to see them, but Vegas Showgirls are highly respected in the field of topless erotic entertainment, simply because of their venue, costuming, and style of dance. Strippers, on the other hand, are routinely seen as disease-ridden, drug-addicted, second-class citizens, simply because of how they’re classified. That is literally
the definition of discrimination.
How the Equality Speech Might Sound: "I have a dream that one day a woman who shows her titties for money will not be judged by the establishment for which she brandishes her goods, but rather celebrated for sharing those voluptuous titties with the world, be it in a back alley, a seedy dive bar, or as the opening act for the always hilarious Carrot Top."
The Motorola Droid
The Droid was recently introduced as one of the top competitors poised to battle the cult-like popularity of Apple’s Iphone. The Iphone set the bar for smartphone capability and design like Mel Gibson set the bar for drunk, crazy, jew-hating celebrities, but that doesn’t mean than it’s impossible for any other celebrity to drink and hate jews just as much as (or more than) he does. While many would-be competitors have fallen short of the Iphone’s functionality, Motorola’s Droid is quickly proving itself as an equal to it’s competition. In fact, the Droid even has standard built-in GPS navigation, which you have to buy a separate app for on an Iphone.
How the Equality Speech Might Sound: "I have a dream that my four little children will not be judged by the brand of their smartphone, but rather by that phone’s ability to download an Animal House soundboard application, and then play the clips from that soundboard with an audio quality that is adequate, considering it’s coming from a speaker on a cellular phone, and therefore is probably going to sound pretty shitty no matter what."
Hot dogs and bologna sandwiches are both made from the same collection of ground up pig snouts and assholes, but very rarely does a bologna sandwich ever get a second look. We rally around the hot dog, serving it at barbecues and baseball games, completely ignoring the fact that hot dogs and buns completely f*ck you when you buy them at the store. If anything, it should be acknowledged that a pack of bologna and a loaf of bread offer more value than their hotdog and bun counterparts. The numbers even out, and you’re not left with two extra hot dogs and no buns to eat them in. In these troubling economic times, Americans need a food that’s going to see them through their tough times without leaving something more to be desired. This country needs bologna now more than ever.
How the Equality Speech Might Sound: "I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, those vicious racists and their vicious racist governor will leave a hometown baseball or football game with their lips, faces, and bowties covered in not only the remnants of mouth-watering hot dogs, but also of delicious bologna sandwiches if they so choose."