The internet is one of mankind’s greatest achievements – a near limitless tool for connecting people the world over and sharing the entirety of human knowledge. It’s literally the closest thing we have to a manifestation of God, if you think about it. Unfortunately, it’s also buried under heaps and mounds of utter insanity, from sites like Holy Taco to videos of amateur singers performing Hall & Oates. Why do these things so permeate the web when we’d lose our minds if we saw them for real?
Someone Doing a Dog
I grew up as the internet grew up and that meant, just as the internet was becoming super popular and widespread, I was partying and drinking too much for my own good, which in turn meant when I was near a computer with friends, we all had the same hilarious idea – what’s the most awful thing we can find? Back then no one Googled anything, the cool kids used Dogpile. So we Dogpiled it. Or maybe tried Alta Vista if we were feeling saucy. And, because we were in mixed company which inexplicably made it more socially acceptable, providing a buffer zone of “hey, isn’t this crazy, let’s all laugh” we found pics of people having sex with dogs and made unsuspecting friends look at them. Just to make myself seem less awful, I never actively searched for that, but I was there and I did laugh every time someone made that horrified face when they walked in the room and realized what they were seeing.
On the internet, pics of people having sex with animals will get forwarded to you if you have friends like we do. Since you’re reading Holy Taco, we’ll assume you have at least one friend like us so there’s a chance you’ve, at least once, seen one of these images. And it was weird and shocking and you made a face and then saved it deleted it. Now imagine walking into a room and instead of seeing a picture, you saw an actual human banging a labradoodle.
A select group of you just high fived yourselves. The rest of us raised an eyebrow. The fact is, if you walked into a room and there was your best friend, your mom, the mailman or whoever, getting to know a dog, you’d probably make this face;
Internet, you are being called to task. Especially you, Europe. Go play fetch with your dog. With a stick. C’mon now.
Once upon a time there was a second world war and Germany will never live down their involvement thanks to one crazy bastard and his silly mustache. We all know who the Nazis were, but man, what’s with the internet love of them?
Pop culture is so enamored with Nazis you can’t turn around without seeing a Nazi werewolf movie trailer, but even more insidious is Godwin’s Law and Rule 34 which will hand in hand show you Nazi porn or at least reference Hitler at some point. You can’t escape it. Every politician has been compared to Hitler somewhere and people really seem to be excited by ladies in latex Nazi uniforms. Wish I knew why.
Now werewolves aside, the moment you stumble upon an honest to goodness Nazi in real life is the moment you either shit yourself or grab a weapon. Maybe both. History’s most noteworthy army of monsters aren’t the sorts of things you should just be stumbling upon at lingerie photo shoots and in every single political conversation. And really, imagine what would happen if it turned out Rick Santorum actually was a Nazi? He may be an asshole, but a Nazi? That would literally be the biggest political scandal in the history of US politics. And we purposely picked Santorum instead of Obama because as much as people call him a socialist, if Obama was literally a Nazi, we might have implemented some kind of “kill the Jews” campaign a while ago.
Crimes Against Humanity
If you’ve been online the last few days you’ve heard about Joseph Kony and a series of atrocities in the African nation of Uganda. Of course there are also atrocities in Sierra Leone, the Sudan, the Congo, Kenya, the Ivory Coast and Rwanda. But for now, just worry about Uganda because it’s new to you. What are these atrocities? Child soldiers, murder, rape and whatever other thing you don’t want to know about.
Thanks to the internet, all of these atrocities are now front and center in a moving video about the need to eliminate Joseph Kony and bring his crimes to light. It’s spread like wild fire, everyone’s sharing it and watching it and…changing their Facebook status. You’re welcome, kids of Africa.
In fairness, what can you do to help? Probably nothing in a really meaningful way. Donate to a legit charity, that’s good. Educate yourself, that’s good also. You can’t go to Africa and shoot the man, though. We already sent soldiers last year. For real, the government knows about this stuff already.
Aside from Kony, you can also bring up any number of sites that will show you a million starving and children in 3rd world nations, people swimming next to corpses in the river Ganges, rumors of nuclear chicanery in Iran, tales of sexual slavery, incest, rape used as psychological warfare, people setting others on fire for turning down their advances and cannibalism. The world is a nightmare and you can read about it on the WTF subreddit.
Unlike our fetish Nazis and dog humpers, the tragic reality of this is that a lot of people do have to live this insanity every day. They could probably use more from us than status updates and me cringing and audibly saying “gwaagh!” every time I’m looking for photos of the day and wind up seeing a mutilated corpse. Now to be a downer, I’m just sayin’.
The Limits of Other People’s Imaginations
Look at this;
What is that a thing? Now look at this;
Not with me yet? Look at this;
Do you want to meet any of the people behind these things in real life? No.
The Refuse of Human Sexuality
Republican candidates will assure you they never view pornography and that it is bad. As much of a lie as that is, it’s worth noting, with a reasonable degree of horror, that someone shagging a shaggy dog is not necessarily the worst display of human sexuality you can find on the internet. Rule 34, kids. If it exists, there is porn about it. This is really not a joke.
In another life, I wrote a series of depraved articles for Cracked.com that dealt with disturbing sex toys and niche porno websites. Now what you saw live on the site was a treat to be sure, but it represented the content that was filtered by Cracked editorial after it had in turn been filtered by me. The things I saw when researching that article were the types of things you’ll see if you die in an opium den on your journey to the afterlife. For some perspective, this was actually included in one of those articles;
That’s the baby Jesus butt plug. Hilarious, of course, but picking only this as an example, what on earth could you possibly say to someone if you were engaged in an intimate moment, you’re in their room, on the bed, you’re kissing, you’re feeling fantastic, you’re exploring each other in the most personal way, and they pull this thing out of a drawer and suggest playing with it. They suggest you put a rubberized representation of the Christian messiah right in your ass. For sexual gratification.
Internet sexuality is a bizarre, fun house reflection of real, normal sexuality. And there’s nothing wrong with having fun with some kinky behavior as long as, you know, there are no Nazi dogs involved, but who really had a fetish for obese clowns before the internet showed you pictures of it? Who was turned on by amputee porn before the internet and that really weird Cronenberg movie? Who’s sitting at home wishing for two girls and a cup to show up?