So we were all set to post a very timely and scholarly article about Living Social and their 50% off deal at Whole Foods (just playing, I looked that up on Trends. I thought Living Social was an app on Facebook where you water pretend plants and have pretend wives and friends and stuff) when I stumbled upon a story; a story about a man, a spa, and an eel getting stuck in his wang. I read the story twice and said to myself “Self, let’s write an article about stuff stuck in wangs” and myself agreed. And so it was done.
If you keep up to date on novelty spa treatments, you need a new hobby. But you may have also heard that any Asian spas offer pools with little fish in them that will eat away at your dead skin cells to leave you all fresh and rejuvenated ad covered in fish spit. And apparently it’s not just fish, it’s also eels. So the title of this article? And the name of this entry? You know what happens next.
A 56 year old man, anxious to look fish eaten and vibrant, hopped into a pool full of (relatively) tiny eels while they did their thing. Except one jackass eel didn’t want to eat this guy’s dead ass skin. This eel wanted to feast on terror. And the quickest way to scare the greatest number of people is to ensure you’re at the heart of a story about a man who had a 6 inch eel swim up his urethra. Just right up it.
The logistics of this are apparently not as difficult to imagine as you might think. Eels are naturally slimy, a characteristic which not only facilitated the eel working his way in, but prevented the man from getting a good grip to pull it back out. In what must have been the single most horrifying moment of this man’s left, he briefly struggled in pain, trying to remove the eel, when the slippery bastard just disappeared right up his unit.
The man had to go to a hospital and seriously tell someone he had an eel in his dink. They, in turn, offered him a three hour surgery to get the thing back out. You’ll be happy to know the eel was OK when he came out and returned to the wild where his friends and family shunned him horribly. Just kidding, it died. It was in a weiner for like 3 hours. C’mon.
If an eel isn’t fishy enough for you, we have a fish tale! This one sounds like total BS, but someone reported it as fact so that’s good enough for us. Pulitzer, here we come.
According to this story, a 14 year old boy was cleaning his aquarium. In the middle of the cleaning he had to go to the bathroom to pee. Those two sentences are 100% plausible. However, whilst cleaning the aquarium, the boy opted to just hold the fish in his hand. And when he went to pee, he kept the fish in his hand. And then, whilst peeing, OMG, the fish made a break for it and ran into his penis.
Now, keep in mind, they really did find a fish in this kid’s bladder, so a fish really did go inside him at some point in time. However, if you’re new to the world in general, you may be surprised to learn a couple of things. One, fish can’t live out of water. You can’t carry them around in your hand for long. Two, a fish in your hand doesn’t have a ton of dexterity. It is unlikely any fish, even a cool Chinese Fighting Fish or a shark or some kinda deep sea fish with a light bulb on its head, possesses the A-Team-like escape skills that would facilitate it working its way from your hand to your bladder, particularly without you noticing. Finally, this kid obviously put a fish in his own dick and then maybe dropped acid or huffed some glue before thinking up the worst excuse ever for getting a fish inside himself.
Using some manner of tiny claw tool, doctors removed the fish a day later after the boy reported having issues with dribbling urine, which is the funniest part of this article and I didn’t even make it up. In case you’re wondering, it was a Betta. He was later admitted to counseling to overcome any trauma. The boy, not the Betta.
You know how sometimes, when you have a delicious rock of crack, and then you’re worried about someone taking your crack, like maybe the police, so you’re all “oh man, I need to hide my crack!” and so you look for a place to put your crack, but you know they’ll check your shoes and your pockets, and you already have gum in your mouth, and if you put it in your butt it’ll smell weird when you smoke it later, so then you decide to hide that crack in your penis? Yeah.
This story comes to us from Europe, where maybe this sort of thing is kosher as a means of self-medicating erectile dysfunction, but over here this turkey won’t fly. In this tale of penile terror, some dude was preparing for a night of sexy-time fun with his girlfriend. Fearful that he wouldn’t be able to raise the flag, his brain sat him down and explained to him that an erection and a pencil are basically the same thing, so why not put a pencil in your penis?
Stunningly, this crazy as a shithouse rat plan apparently worked for at least a while until he realized the pencil had shot right up into his bladder. It did this during sex, so this dude, apparently before his girlfriend came over, sat down on a stool, pantless, grabbed a pencil in one hand and his penis in the other, maybe looked between the two for a second, and then shrugged and gave it the old college try – and it worked. And he got a boner out of the deal. And then she came over and they probably chatted, maybe had a drink or some food, maybe watched a movie, and the whole time he had a pencil inside his now pencil-hard penis. And then they started making out, getting a little sexy, and he had a pencil inside his penis. And then they finally engaged in intercourse and part way through this guy stopped and realized “Oh. Nope.” And then the pencil was in his bladder.
A fun capper to this story is that, at the hospital, someone apparently asked him why he didn’t opt to try a Viagra first, instead of a writing tool. His answer, of course, was that he wasn’t aware things like Viagra existed. So this was kind of like that scene in 2001 when the monkey first realizes it can smash stuff with that bone. Only, you know, he smashed his bone. With a pencil.
Overseas again, to India this time, and the tale of a man who lived three days with a two inch nail in his urethra. You’re probably thinking “why, what a silly place to store one’s nails” but hey, some people don’t have tool boxes.
Anyway, the official word was this guy was in a lot of pain (surprise!) and finally checked into a hospital where they x-rayed his abdomen and found nothing, but an eagle-eyed doc noticed a weird little so-and-so in the dingle, so they x-rayed just his junk and, sure enough, there was a nail. How did a nail get in there? The man claimed he’d been accosted by a gang of youthful thugs! These thugs stole his cell phone and his money and proceeded to beat him up. And, uh, they fondled him. Apparently. So maybe during his fondling one of them put a nail in his penis. Seems legit.
The man was in so much pain he had to be sedated before they could even examine him while they debated the merits of surgical vs non-surgical solutions to this nefarious fondling with a nail incident. I have nothing else to say about this.