People like being outraged. We enjoy intense emotions. We like fear so we go on roller coasters and to horror movies. We skydive or bungee jump for a rush. And the only reason FOX news exists is not to inform the viewing public of the news, not even to reinforce the beliefs of like-minded conservative idiots, it’s for liberals to watch and become outraged about. Like trolls on the internet, FOX trolls the media not getting positive attention, but outraging normal folks who don’t know they’re being trolled. And they don’t care. They like it. They like being angry at Glenn Beck. It gives them something to do. They just don’t know it.
Like FOX and Friends, the world is lousy with atrocious events that get our hackles up, and make us rage against them. But they keep happening. They’re the sorts of things that are certainly awful, but they happen so often now it almost makes you wonder why we’re still surprised. But we are. And the news will report it like it’s the first time, because they want you to become outraged all over again, so you’ll keep watching. So let’s look!
Sexual Relationships Between Teachers and Students
Mary Kay Letourneau made this news back in 1997 when she apparently fell in love with a 13 year old, meaning Mark Kay was mentally f*cktarded in some way. People will sometimes try to defend these rancid people by pointing out they’re still together years later, which is a fine testament to the power of abusing a child with your crotch and the complete lack of normal brain function in the adult, but that’s neither here nor there.
Studies indicate over 10% of all students in schools have experiences some manner of physical sexual harassment from teachers. Want to make a joke about priests right here? Don’t bother, that’s over 100 times more prevalent than in the Catholic Church. Think about that.
Additional research shows that often, when these relationships are exposed, they are dealt with internally, meaning no police and often no loss of job. In total, we’re talking about several million students subject to, at the very least, unwanted sexual advances and at worst, becoming the deranged hump puppet of a lady with too many cats.
Go ahead and Google “CEO indicted” and see what pops up. Enron, Broadcom, Monster, they’re al there. Not a year goes by that the SEC or someone else doesn’t have to investigate a multi-million dollar corporation only to discover that the man in charge is a curious mix of Scrooge McDuck and Gordon Gekko who may, in fact, spend his off hours massaging his prostate with rolled up $100 bills stolen from investors.
Whether it’s conspiracy, fraud or embezzlement, it seems like most people hit the top ranks of an organization and just become ghetto supervillains. Now, by the numbers, most CEO’s are probably decent people, or at the very least they try not to commit felonies all the time, but the sheer number of those who commit crimes and then get caught is to the point of a bad joke now.
Circus Animal Abuse
Every so often another story breaks in the news about someone beating the tar out of an elephant, or a lion, or a bear at a circus, somewhere. You might be tempted to dismiss this as some manner of PETA overreaction and it’s true, PETA will throw an utter shit fit when this happens, but the fact remains there’s a big difference between training a bear to ride a bicycle and using a stick to beat a creature. Everyone enjoys that first one (except PETA) but not so much the second.
Any circus out there with elephants has been accused of this at some point. In 2011, the Bobby Roberts circus in the UK made news when an elderly female elephant named Anne was caught on tape being beaten by a trainer. The USDA has filed numerous reports on Ringling Brothers circuses and their mistreatment of elephants which has resulted in some deaths. Rescue agencies have taken a number of elephants from companies that rent to circuses that suffer foot rot from walking too long on concrete and have had formaldehyde poured in their wounds. For whatever reason, people who take care of circus elephants just really hate elephants. Seems like a bad career choice.
Soldiers Abusing Civilians
This is a weighty issue for a comedy site and we’re not making light of the deaths of civilians nor are we saying most soldiers don’t deserve your utmost respect for the job they do, but how many times does news come stateside of one or two soldiers who, for whatever reason, go all Apocalypse Now and try to one up the ear necklace.
In the last year we’ve seen pictures of soldiers who decided to kill civilians for sport and take trophy photos (as well as taking fingers. WTF?). A few years back you may remember seeing some photos from Abu Ghraib that would have been hilariously awful at a frat house, but made the US armed forces look a little less than sparkling since they were taken at a prison. In 2009, Steven Dale Green shot and killed a teenage girl’s whole family before he and his companions raped then killed her as well. No joke in that one, it’s just another on a heap of crazy shit.
These reports exist for American soldiers, British soldiers, Australian soldiers and many others. Now imagine what happens in countries without a free press, with a military state, with a despot leader.
After that last, super depressing entry, it needed to be pointed out that the things that outrage us need not always outrage us because they truly are atrocious, sometimes we just get angry at a mosquito that won’t go away, or a Hollywood that seems to blindly want to suck in our money no matter how much complete horseshit they need to shovel down our throats.
There was a time when a movie only got remade because the technology of film had come so far we could better present the original filmmaker’s vision, or that was the idea any way. Special effects are so much more advanced now, it seems like a given that many sci fi and horror movies from yesteryear could benefit from what we can do now. But instead of this being applied in an entertaining and awesome way, we’re getting the 6th Superman movie in about 20 years even though every previous Superman movie, including the one that came out just 5 years ago, suck so bad. We’re getting a Spiderman reboot even though Tobey Maguire still looks exactly the same as he did in the first Spideman movie. We’re getting a new Robocop with the ugly rumor someone wants Tom Cruise to play the lead. We’re getting shit on. And it’ll keep happening.
It’s worth noting we’re not suggesting this things are not, in fact, outrageous. Not even suggesting we should get used to them. We’re more marveling at the fact that, for all the ills we try to cure in our world, there are just so many that never seem to go away and, rather than attempting to learn from them, adapt to them or even address them, it seems like we simply get outraged anew each time it happens. Not the most hilarious article you’ll read on HT, but hey, here’s a picture of Batman using shark nunchucks by darthmongoose.