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5 Things We’d Like to see in the World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria

If you weren’t aware, insanely popular online game World of Warcraft is expanding yet again with Mists of Pandaria, a new game expansion that focuses on Kung Fu Panda and how you can beat up goblins and such while being a Kung Fu Panda.  It should be awesome.  But here’s the thing – Warcraft is the granddaddy of MMORPG’s now, it’s been around for ages and new games are popping up all the time.  Warcraft needs to keep it fresh and funky if they want to endure, so we have some ideas that can make those panda bears even more memorable.  Blizzard, I know you read Holy Taco, since I personally suggested a year ago that Pandarens become the next playable race in Warcraft and you did it without crediting me!  So heed my words again, add these features and reap the rewards.

Dragonfly Mount

Once you achieve level 60 in Warcraft, you can learn how to fly.  How do you fly?  You get a flying mount.  In Warcraft this can include things like dragons, griffins, flying carpets and anything else that seems born from the mind of a habitual virgin.  The pursuit of rare and unique mounts is a driving force in the game; the harder to get a mount is the more people want it and the more they’ll just ride it lazily around a capital city for no reason once they get it.  But for all the myriad mounts Warcraft offers, and there are over 100 at this point, one thing has been drastically under represented; bugs.

Currently you can get one bug that you can ride in warcraft and it doesn’t fly.  Before a bigger nerd than me tries to correct me by saying there are other bug mounts I insist they shut up – there are like 6 different colors of the same one, and you can’t even use them in most of the game, so they don’t count.  You can only get one right now, and all it does is scuttle, like a bug.

Flying mounts are obviously cooler than land mounts and new monsters are obviously cooler than rehashed ones.  So we don’t want a wasp mount or something modeled after a creature already in game, we need a giant dragonfly mount that, if it existed in real life, would make you vomit in revulsion because giant bugs are so gross.  Do us proud, Blizzard.  No one wants to ride a swan.

Chinese Dragon Mount

Since we’re on the subject of mounts, in a video game, beloved so much by the Chinese they built an unlicensed theme park in its honor (when they’re not illegally farming and selling in game gold) why not give those pandas a Chinese companion that will escort them into a battle – a Chinese dragon.  So far most of the dragon in Wow are your typical European folklore type dragons with the bat wings and four legs and such, with a handful of exceptions.  Chinese dragons are known for their awesomeness in being snakelike and just flying because they want to, not because they have actual wings or anything.  Wings are for sucker MCs.

The other notable reason to have a Chinese dragon in the game is that Chinese dragons are pretty much the only dragons that have mustaches, and Lord knows we don’t need to explain the upside of that.  Blizz, the ball is in your court.  Mount up!

Whips

If you don’t play WoW you will never be able to grasp the methodical, maniacal, obsessive passion and dedication players demonstrate in the pursuit of new gear.  Armor, trinkets and, of course, weapons.  The ultimate weapon can make all the difference in Warcraft, can make you the envy of everyone else who wants your digital representation of something they have all agreed is awesome.  But what kind of weapons are there?

Currently WoW offers a decent variety of weapons typical of any sword and sorcery extravaganza, with the odd modern twist such as the inclusion of guns.  But by and large you have swords and wands and axes and bows.  But do you know what’s missing?  Yes, because you read the title of this entry – whips.

On the one hand a whip seems like a weapon a lion tamer from the turn of the century should be using under the big top, but if Indiana Jones proved nothing else it’s that a whip is a multi-tool of flesh bursting pain.  Plus, in the confines of a video game, you could say the whole thing is laced with titanium razor spikes and suddenly it’s the most sadistic weapon in the game.  Plus, with a cool, glowy enchant on it you’d look badass running around whipping everyone.

Trainees

Warcraft currently has four classes you can play that have companions.  Hunters fight with the aid of a tamed beast.  Mages used elementals.  Warlocks can summon demons and Death Knights can raise the dead.  So fighting with a friend is par for the course in Warcraft.  Everyone else is kind of left out and, as the new expansion raises the level cap allowing your character to get stronger and master new abilities, it’s time that you passed on your skills to an understudy.  A trainee.  A bitch.

When you hit level 90 in Mists of Pandaria (or, more plausibly, level 100 in a different expansion) you should be able to enlist the aid of a junior fighter, someone who, like a hunters pet, can follow you around and skill up and kick some ass on your behalf.  Not as much ass as you, but some ass.  Plus as an added bonus you could give your little helper a hilarious name like “Bitch Hedburg” or “Slave Leia.”  Ha ha, could you imagine?  Ahh.  Good stuff.

A Black Market

Currently Warcraft has a bit of a free market going on.  There’s an auction house where you can sell crap to others at any insane (or reasonable) price you choose and for anything that no one wants you can dump it on in-game vendors who will give you a bit of cash, which can add up nicely over time.  And that’s swell and all but where’s the risk?  There’s none. The only current risk in the Warcraft economy is that you’re not smart enough to know what an item is worth so you give it away.

As in real life, a black market is the key to your happiness.  Warcraft needs a shady economic choice where any player can take their wares and risk making a sweet score or losing it all.  How could that work?  Simple.  A random algorithm decides what an item will be worth in the market that day, and if you like the offer you sell your item.  Only thing is you may also have to fend off thugs who just want to rob you at the same time.  And maybe it’ll be an easy fight or maybe 30 guys who are matched to your skill level will jump you and take your item without paying you.  It’s your risk and your choice, but come on, it’d be fun.  Plus maybe you could buy a kidney.

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