is a time for being with your family, and each year millions of fairly intelligent people venture across the country
to spend a few days and an enormous meal with the uneducated, borderline-retarded families that they managed to escape from years ago. Here are five things that your family members are definitely going to want to talk about at Thanksgiving
Old people love the new Jay Leno show for one reason and one reason only: it’s on early enough that they can catch the opening monologue before they fall asleep. They’ll talk at length about how funny Jay Leno is, and how he always seems to "nail it right on the head". No matter what you try to change the subject to, they’ll always find a way to get the conversation back to Jay Leno. Your best bet is to make their Leno obsession into a game for yourself, and try to find something that’s so horrific they don’t even want to talk to you anymore, let alone try to tie Jay Leno back into the conversation.
How The Conversation Starts: "Happy Thanksgiving! You have one of those television machines, right? So, you watch Jay Leno, right?"
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "I heard Jay Leno was a child molester."
If you can, get your girlfriend to come to Thanksgiving dinner with your family. This conversation is going to happen whether she comes or not, but if she’s there then it’ll be carried out much more covertly. Your family members will just have to grab you when she goes to the bathroom, pull you into a corner somewhere and quickly rattle off a few reasons why they don’t like her. If your girlfriend doesn’t come with you, then the same conversation will transpire, only it’ll be loud, the whole family will contribute openly, and it’ll go on for a long, long time.
How The Conversation Will Start: "She seems…nice."
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "I don’t know, mom. I guess she could be a Satanist. I’ll tell you one thing I do know for sure: she gives a hell of a rimjob, and that’s really all that matters."
Your entire family is obsessed with this television show, because television has told them that they should be. Half of your post-Thanksgiving meal football-watching time is going to be spent straining to hear the play-by-play because everyone else who’s supposed to be watching football is busy talking about their favorite Two and a Half Men plot lines and how cute the little fat kid is.
How The Conversation Will Start: "Let’s see if there’s a rerun of Two and a Half Men on during halftime."
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "Hey, remember when Charlie Sheen shot his fiance, then started dating a bunch of dirty pornstars, then overdosed on cocaine, then violated his parole and got arrested?"
Your female relatives absolutely love Sarah Palin because she says whatever she’s thinking, even when what she’s thinking is completely retarded. This is because your female relatives are more retarded than Sarah Palin is. Therefore, you should approach this conversation the same way you would a conversation with a retarded person. Speak very slowly, use a lot of really big hand gestures, and reward them with candies when they do something good, like agree that being governor of Alaska doesn’t really count as "political experience".
How The Conversation Starts: "I’m really tired, because I stood in line for 7 hours to get the autograph of an insignificant idiot on a book that she somehow wrote, but that I’ll never actually read."
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "Hey, look at this crazy colorful toy! It makes a jingly sound when you shake it! You wanna hold it for a while?"
There’s a good chance that many of your relatives don’t currently have health insurance, because the job that they had for thirty years suddenly disappeared a few months ago, and this is the first time in a long time that they’ve actually had to live without health insurance, so they’re starting to realize just how shitty it is. Fortunately, this is something that you can relate to, because there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve spent the majority of the last five years without a job, let alone health insurance.
How The Conversation Starts: "I’ll tell you what: a couple of weeks ago, I was having the worst diarrhea I’ve ever had. I think it was those 30 Jack in the Box tacos I ate. Do you have any idea how expensive medicine is?"
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "Y’know, I’ve been living without health insurance for a while now. You find ways to get around it. For example, did you know that drinking Visine will stop your diarrhea?"