Thanksgiving is a time for being with your family, and each year millions of fairly intelligent
people venture across the country to spend a few days and an enormous meal with the uneducated, borderline-retarded families that they managed to escape from years ago. Here are five things that your family members are definitely going to want to talk about at
Thanksgiving:
Jay Leno
Old people love the new Jay Leno show for one reason and one reason only: it’s on early enough that they can catch the opening monologue before they fall asleep. They’ll talk at length about how funny Jay Leno is, and how he always seems to "nail it right on the head". No matter what you try to change the subject to, they’ll always find a way to get the conversation back to Jay Leno. Your best bet is to make their Leno obsession into a game for yourself, and try to find something that’s so horrific they don’t even want to talk to you anymore, let alone try to tie Jay Leno back into the conversation.
How The Conversation Starts: "Happy Thanksgiving! You have one of those television machines, right? So, you watch Jay Leno, right?"
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "I heard Jay Leno was a child molester."
Your Girlfriend
If you can, get your girlfriend to come to Thanksgiving dinner with your family. This conversation is going to happen whether she comes or not, but if she’s there then it’ll be carried out much more covertly. Your family members will just have to grab you when she goes to the bathroom, pull you into a corner somewhere and quickly rattle off a few reasons why they don’t like her. If your girlfriend doesn’t come with you, then the same conversation will transpire, only it’ll be loud, the whole family will contribute openly, and it’ll go on for a long, long time.
How The Conversation Will Start: "She seems…nice."
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "I don’t know, mom. I guess she could be a Satanist. I’ll tell you one thing I do know for sure: she gives a hell of a rimjob, and that’s really all that matters."
Your entire family is obsessed with this television show, because television has told them that they should be. Half of your post-Thanksgiving meal football-watching time is going to be spent straining to hear the play-by-play because everyone else who’s supposed to be watching football is busy talking about their favorite Two and a Half Men plot lines and how cute the little fat kid is.
How The Conversation Will Start: "Let’s see if there’s a rerun of Two and a Half Men on during halftime."
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "Hey, remember when Charlie Sheen shot his fiance, then started dating a bunch of dirty pornstars, then overdosed on cocaine, then violated his parole and got arrested?"
Sarah Palin
Your female relatives absolutely love Sarah Palin because she says whatever she’s thinking, even when what she’s thinking is completely retarded. This is because your female relatives are more retarded than Sarah Palin is. Therefore, you should approach this conversation the same way you would a conversation with a retarded person. Speak very slowly, use a lot of really big hand gestures, and reward them with candies when they do something good, like agree that being governor of Alaska doesn’t really count as "political experience".
How The Conversation Starts: "I’m really tired, because I stood in line for 7 hours to get the autograph of an insignificant idiot on a book that she somehow wrote, but that I’ll never actually read."
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "Hey, look at this crazy colorful toy! It makes a jingly sound when you shake it! You wanna hold it for a while?"
Health Care
There’s a good chance that many of your relatives don’t currently have health insurance, because the job that they had for thirty years suddenly disappeared a few months ago, and this is the first time in a long time that they’ve actually had to live without health insurance, so they’re starting to realize just how shitty it is. Fortunately, this is something that you can relate to, because there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve spent the majority of the last five years without a job, let alone health insurance.
How The Conversation Starts: "I’ll tell you what: a couple of weeks ago, I was having the worst diarrhea I’ve ever had. I think it was those 30 Jack in the Box tacos I ate. Do you have any idea how expensive medicine is?"
What You Can Say To Get Out Of It: "Y’know, I’ve been living without health insurance for a while now. You find ways to get around it. For example, did you know that drinking Visine will stop your diarrhea?"
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
I thought this site had smarter readers than these comments suggest. Just because someone mentions “Sarah Palin” or “Health Care” in an article doesn’t mean that the article is automatically political. If that’s true, then Saturday Night Live is a political show. This article doesn’t contain any political opinions, other than that Palin is stupid (not political) and having health benefits is helpful (also not political). Get your heads out of your dicks and read before you just jump to conclusions. You people infuriate me.
things that make me piss, water liquor beer. i prefer the last two. quit talking about politics ya buncha friggin tools.
thank you. now lets hope they could follow this intricate argument and shut up.
I know im late on this thread, really late (I can’t read HT at work so fuck you) anyway, has anyone pointed out that Visine GIVES you diarrhea? Or was that on purpose to give your uninsured relative the shits?
you all suck
First?!?!?
Fuck you, your life, and anything you hold sacred you piece of rotten shit.
somebody needs to chill
somebody needs to enjoy their lunch! that would brigthen up ANYBODY’s attitude. Okay, again, carry on!!!
you two are so dumb!!! everyone, and i mean everyone, talks about the holiday travel season and it all starts with Turkey Day. Jebus Christ – I might have to start my own blog cause you two are really just dropping the balls (prolly each other’s balls).
anyway, today i had a grilled cheese on rye with tomato and a small soup. it was chiken and rice…d-lish!!! and of course i washed it down with a wild cherry pepsi! yay! lunchtime is the best!!! carry on fools!
and then you followed it with a shot of semen
he did. it was mah girly jizz too.
fer shizzle
Holy taco always good for the liberal perspective….
Agreed. They need to keep the whiny, douchebag liberal commentary to themselves (nobody cares) and stick to posting pix of hot chicks with big ol’ bewbs. If I want to read whiny, douchebag liberal commentary, I’ll head over to the DailyKos.
Here’s a group photo of the HT staff (it’s the photo at the top, in case you were wondering).
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/10/16/how-to-spot-annoying-mccain-and-obama-supporters
Point is, stick to the boobalias. Not politishit.
Curses foiled again. You won this time, HT. It’s woulda worked if it wasn’t for you meddling kids. You’re just too smart for me. That’ll teach me to tease a buncha liberals. Guess I need to go back to reading the Huff-Po to see what makes you tick.
Yeah, being liberal sucks, I want the big man to tell me what to do, cause I can’t think fer shit myself! GO USA!
jay leno is dumb.
sarah palin is just another dumb C*nt.
none of these topics will be talked about at my family dinner.
probably more due to the fact that your father is dead, and the rest of your family disowned you for giving him HIV which eventually lead to his death.
Hi I’m Sarah Palin and I suck at life
Hi I’m your mom. Who the fuck told you to stop cleaning out my cunt, get the hell back here retard.
Sarah Palin’s mom scares me.
Fuck you Glenn Beck-Rimjobbing assholes, HT is not presenting things from a liberal perspective. Instead they are presenting things from a presepective of someone with a rational, reasonable and somewhat educated mind. Calling Sarah Palin retarded and stating that we need healthcare is not just liberal commentary its commentary from anyone with a working brainstem.
Fuck you Fuckyou2. Why don’t you take a look at all of these other dumb fucking countries that have nationalized healthcare. How long do they have to wait to be properly taken care of? Where do they go if they need it done quicker and better… thats right, The fucking good ol’ U.S of A.!!!! You start giving away free health care to all of these puerto ricans and you’ll NEVER get seen at the E.R.! They just keep shitting out kids and we are stuck taking care of them…. fuck YOU, you bleeding heart liberal cocksucker.
hey bosco, why so gay? if you like dicks in your ass please make it known on websites other than the one i go to after work to have a laugh. youre just really really really really gay. (did i mention youre gay?)
Ok, let me approach this form another standpoint. How much do you pay for healthcare every year? Better yet, how much do your parents pay for healthcare every year? Are you still denying the need for health reform in this country?
In the event that you do not sweat the cost of healthcare you might be one of the people making over $200,000 a year who would see only a SLIGHT increase in taxes. The myth that the middle class would shoulder the burden of this bill is just that, a myth. The only tax increases would be those to individuals making over $200,000 a year or families making $500,000, it would also add taxes to insurers administering health plans worth more than $8,500 a year for individuals or $23,000 for families. It also would set a 5 percent tax on elective cosmetic surgery. Unless, you or your family is swimming in money, you want a nose job, or you have some ungodly extensive healthcare plan; YOU WILL NOT BE TAXED.
As far as the shitting Puerto Ricans comment you have lost all credibility as someone with worthy opinions. In all honesty you are probably a 15 year old kid who listens to what mommmy and daddy have to say about politics, regurgitating and perpetuating the ignorance that dropped you out of your mothers inbred vagina in the first place. That or you are a fine man of the Southern half of The United States who found something better to do than finish the 10th grade and is scared shitless of anyone that doesn’t look like David Duke.
Next time you make comments on political policy at least do your basic homework.
Keep up the good work HT, much support.
I like turtles.
Fuckyou2 wins this round.
Why does HT throw around the R-word so much? Can’t you just say stupid or shit for brains. Sorry, I just think there’s better descriptive words.
And lets stop talking about health care, I come to this page to get a break from all the propaganda.