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5 Toppings I Never Want to See on a Burger


Burgers are awfully close to the world’s most awesome food.  There’s tacos, there’s wings, there’s properly made barbecue and there’s burgers.  Yes these are all meats because as much as I enjoy a nice cherry, it ain’t meat.  Something needs to no longer be alive to really impress me at dinner time.

When it comes to making a burger, there’s a distinctly correct way to make one and many incorrect ways.  And sometimes the incorrectness of a burger comes down to something simple like the toppings you put on top of an otherwise well cooked piece of meat.  Mustard?  Pickles? These are traditional and awesome and welcome on any burger.  The following toppings are not.

Peanut Butter

I don’t know who started the idea of a peanut butter burger, or why, but the world we live in now is in such burger disarray that this is barely even uncommon.  If you live in a town that has a place that claims to be famous for burgers (no one is famous for burgers aside from McDonalds, by the way.  We can know this is true because McDonalds is around the world.  Jinky’s Burger Shack just by the freeway off ramp is only just off the freeway off ramp and is therefore not famous at all), they probably have a peanut butter burger on the menu.

You could argue,  if so many places have a peanut butter burger on the menu, there must be a demand for it.  People must really enjoy it.  Even if it’s a niche, there’s a place for it.  Right?  No.  There are people in the world right now capable of convincing others to give up their worldly possessions and live in a commune together having sex with the cult leader and waiting for a UFO to take them all to Pluto and/or Heaven.  Doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.

Blue Cheese

Somewhere in our past, blue cheese became synonymous with high class and high quality when in fact blue cheese is just normal cheese that’s going bad and we all know it.  That’s literally why it’s blue – it has mold in it.  Mold!

Some people like the sharp, pungent taste of blue cheese and that’s probably because their parents never held them when they were babies.  When you put blue cheese on anything, the taste overpowers it and you’re just eating a faceful of mold.  You can’t help it, prevent it or ameliorate it.  Unless you use a lot of hot sauce, which will also ensure you can’t taste anything but hot mold.


Why do this?  Is a tomato not enough?  You think you’re cute?  You’re just insane, maybe?  For some reason the incline to put a piece of pineapple on a burger will strike a chef every now and then, or maybe some peach chutney, or mango, and the resulting abomination is a salty-sweet meat mess of chaos that, if it belonged in an orifice at all, it would be more at home in an ass than a mouth.

A Fried Egg

You’ll find this on a lot of those peanut butter burger menus, a kind of knock off of a joke that was once on the Simpsons and somehow crawled to life when a dude shrugged and said “what the hell?”  Otherwise known as the Good Morning Burger, this often includes cheese and bacon and sometimes someone will go all out and toss in hashbrown potatoes to make it a thoroughly insane experience.

On the surface, I have nothing against breakfast, or burgers, or cheese and bacon on a burger, but there’s something about a yolk busting out over my burger and dripping onto my plate that I find, not disgusting, but lazy.  It’s lazy because you fried an egg and just went “meh” and plopped it on a burger because who gives a shit?  You just want to mash all the foods you own into one hand held blob and jam it in your food hole.

Nuts and Mayo

I read about this on the internet and now you’re reading about it on the internet, too!  Oh man, that’s fun.  There’s a restaurant in Butte, the most hilariously named town in America, that offers a burger that comes topped with a chunky mix of nuts and mayonnaise, which is awful.  Does the restaurant only have this foul thing on the menu to get attention for being the restaurant with such a foul thing on the menu?  Probably.  But it’s still an awful thing to do to a burger.

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