Avengers hype is heating up as the big day for the movie’s release draws near. It will undoubtedly be huge, just as the X-Men was before it, and the Fantastic Four was for about 10 minutes before people realized it sucked super hard. People like superhero teams and they like movies and when you put them together, well that’s fun too. But you’ll notice not a lot of teams are getting the Hollywood treatment and we think that sucks, so here are a few suggestions for teams we don’t want to be overlooked after the Avengers comes out and uncreative producers try to copy its success with 100 other superhero team movies. Yes, you could go with Infinity Inc or Guardians of the Galaxy, but these teams would be way cooler on film. Sorta.
One of the flagship titles of Image comics when it sprang up as the first major rival to the reign of DC comics and Marvel comics in the 90’s, Youngblood was the child of Image co-founder Rob Liefeld. It was a child that should have been abandoned in the woods.
Of all the Image founders, Liefeld was the most not good. The poor grammar in that sentence was a tribute to Liefeld’s poor everything. He achieved fame at Marvel drawing titles like X-Force that featured characters like Strong Guy, who was a strong guy, and Wolfsbane, who was a wolf girl. Yeah… anyway, he brought Youngblood to life at Image and it was revolutionary. Who carried this super team to awesomeness? Let’s do a roll call!
- Bedrock, who later became Badrock, apparently so no one would confuse him with the town the Flintstones came from (no, really) was a giant dude made of stone and he was also not the Thing, so get that out of your head right now.
- Shaft, who was neither the private dick or just a regular dick, but an archer approached by a government agency to join their special team of heroes. No, he is not Hawkeye.
- Vogue, a giant boobie, white-skinned girl who is Russian, and therefore a gymnast. She also got the lazy power of super strength and endurance.
- Chapel, a black guy on drugs who has HIV
The thing that makes Youngblood a standout is not story or character, because if you’d read the series you’d be questioning why we have it here, no the reason it’s a standout is Rob Liefeld and his kick ass art style. Never has an artist gotten so far with so little – the man had no ability whatsoever to draw hands or feet and human anatomy seemed as foreign to him as Uranus is to you and I. Here’s some fun examples of Liefeld in action;
Isn’t that awesome? As an added bonus, Brett Ratner has already expressed interest in making it into a movie. Yes, the same Brett Ratner everyone has been mocking all week (and for most of his career, but not as publicly).
Can’t say for sure if this name is ironic or not but the group was a sort of poor man’s Avengers and featured Ice Man, Hercules, Ghost Rider, Angel and Black Widow. It wasn’t a popular comic but follow me on this because everyone in this movie has already been cast. Scarlett Johansson played Black Widow in Iron Man 2, Shawn Ashmore played Iceman in the X-men movies, some kid you couldn’t give a squirt played Angel in the Brett Ratner (again) fart of amovie X-Men United and of course we all remember Nic Cage as Ghost Rider. Oh, and Kevin Sorbo could reprise his role as Hercules. Now that’s a movie.
In fairness, no one at HT has read this comic but the buzz on the internet (there’s so much buzz on the internet) is that this title went over like a fart on meringue. That’s two fart jokes in one entry here, and that ain’t bad. But this comic was. But it definitely deserves a second look if for no other reason than Scarlett Johansson. But if you need another reason, then there’s still Kevin Sorbo and Nic Cage, two men who clearly should be in a film together.
Canada’s very own superhero team, Alpha Flight features a little hairy midget and a Bigfoot. It doesn’t matter who the hell else is in this team because those two sell it right there. The rest of the group could be geriatric spear-fishermen from an Inuit village and it’d still be awesome.
Most of the members of Alpha Flight dress in red and white or maple-leaf themed crap lest you forget they’re Canadian, but the midget, whose name is Puck, looks like a burly Burt Reynolds in a black unitard with a giant, orange P emblazoned on it. There literally could be nothing that would improve such a costume. Maybe a trained seal, but that’s more of an accessory than anything else.
This idea will sound stupid, I know, but this has blockbuster written all over it. The Pet Avengers were a group of pets who saved the world with the help of the all-powerful Infinity Gems, one of Marvel comics’ Deus Ex Machina toys that’s good to flesh out a really flimsy storyline. In this case, a bulldog from outer space finds one of these gems and its intelligence is vastly increased as a result. The dog, seeing the need to find the rest of these gems (there are 6) in order to prevent the supervillain Thanos from getting them, using his newfound powers to seek them out on Earth where he also recruits a frog that has the powers of Thor (no, really), Lockheed the dragon from Excalibur comics, a cat that has bouncing powers and a falcon. Together they travel through space and time to assemble the gems and save the world.
The movie Cats and Dogs grossed $200 million worldwide. The sequel pulled in $112 million. Even Marmaduke made $83 million and it was unbearably terrible. Pet Avengers would absolutely trump them all because it has a time-traveling, psychic space bulldog in it. That’s the best thing since Nic Cage in the Wicker Man. Even though that movie only made $38 million.
If you’re a fan of Conan O’Brien, and you should be, then you may remember Pale Force, the superhero team brought forth by Jim Gaffigan on the late, great Late Night with Conan O’Brien show. It was a series of cartoon shorts featuring Conan and Jim as desperately pale superheroes. Look it up, it was funny.
Making this into a movie would allow Conan to actually be in a movie, something he doesn’t do and, realistically, probably doesn’t want to do, but this isn’t his website so if he has something to say about it, he can say it to our face (support Corn Dogs for Coco and Holy Taco’s campaign to meet Conan!).