5 Unintentionally Gay Parts of Everyday Life

As man evolves, so too do his sensibilities. His hopes. His dreams. And somewhere in there, things that started out not particularly gay became super gay .

Fraternities

What they were supposed to be: A way to bond with your fellows as you educate yourselves and become responsible members of society.

What they actually are: A group of dudes you have to live with and become severely intoxicated with on a regular basis. A major part of being in any frat is bringing in impressionable, young pledges and humiliating them in a variety of S/M themed, horribly homoerotic ways that include ass paddling and assorted nude hijinks that end with them suffering the effects of alcohol poisoning and relying on you to nurse them back to health.

Frats are famous for housing sweaty jocks and hosting toga parties. The bonding that is formed by way of frat hazing is kind of like the bonding you get when you hold someone hostage and make them give you handjobs at gunpoint. Sure, you think you’re friends at the end of it, but everyone else feels awkward.

Urinals

What they’re supposed to be: Since men have the biological advantage of being able to stand and piss, the urinal was a convenient, space saving way to manage waste removal and conserve some water.

What they actually are: A place where you stand shoulder to shoulder with strangers while you both hold your wangs. The fear of unintentional gay is so severe at these places, unspoken etiquette dictates you’re supposed to leave an empty urinal between you and strangers at all times and you must never, ever speak. And do you know why? Because there’s no reason to be standing next to a stranger, holding your dick, and chatting.

Bathroom stalls

What they’re supposed to be: Convenient, private spots located in restaurants, malls and off highways the world over to prove we’re civilized by preventing people from shitting in drainage ditches.

What they actually are: Claustrophobic, gay billboards. When’s the last time you even went into a bathroom stall and didn’t see a book’s worth of offers to tickle your corn hole at 11:30 on the 16th, or a bunch of random phone numbers from dudes with names like Marv and Felchy who want to go down on you, their only requirement for desiring to engage in sexual acts with you apparently being that you, too, shit.

Organized sports

What they’re supposed to be: A fun past time for players and fans alike that demonstrate skill and athleticism.

What they actually are: Curious displays of men in tights touching each other’s asses and sometimes bending over in close proximity to one another before hitting the showers together. Sure, there are plenty of sports and players where there’s nary an ass grab in sight, and all that hetero cache gets tossed out the window the moment some dude decided to congratulate his friend by patting him on the one non-padded part of his body he’s apt to feel such a gesture – his shitter.

In the rest of society, there’s never a reason to touch another man’s ass unless you’re a proctologist or you’re about to go engage in some unforgiveable David Lynch-esque torture of a man who wrong you sometime in the distant past.

Cars

What they’re supposed to be: A method of conveyance that can be not only practical but stylish.

What they actually are: Through no fault of our own, cars have become inextricably linked to sexuality. There was a time when a cool muscle car was considered some kind of penis extension and the man who bought a Porsche was dealing with a mid life crisis or a tiny wang. And now, in an age of environmentalism and caring for the earth, a new man has appeared – the queer dude with the hybrid. If you drive a Smart car or a Prius or really anything that looks like it was built in the same factory as a hatchback, you’re as gay as a three dollar bill whether you like it or not.