Great news, teenage boys and sports loving married men: there’s a new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl! We’re throwing some bootleg pictures in this post, but more importantly, we’re going to give you a few facts about Irina Shayk so in case you ever meet her in person, you can get a conversation started before her handlers not-so-kindly escort you away.
1. She’s from Yemanzhelinsk, Russia.
Bring that up, say something like “So you’re from Yemanzhelinsk? I have a cousin that grew up there. It’s right near the eastern slopes of the south Urals, right? Old coal mining community. I’d love to visit.” Then order her a shot of vodka.
2. Her father was a coal miner.
I know, this chick is like a real-life Zoolander. But you could say something like “Coal mining is an honorable trade. Cheers to your father!” Don’t bring up lung disease or say anything like “I heard in Russia, coal mine’s you!”
3. Irina donates to and supports a maternity hospital in her hometown.
Pretend you didn’t know this, and after introducing yourself pretend you feel your phone vibrating. Pull it out of your pocket, look at it, then look at her and say “Just a minute, gotta take this. It’s the maternity hospital I volunteer at.”
4. She has a pet Labrador Retriever named “Ceasar”
No way to bring this one up without sounding like a stalker. But try and remember it anyway, in case it comes up.
5. She’s the first Russian to be in the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Tell her “It’s about time America recognized the natural beauty of the Russian people.” Maybe say something like “Congratulations on ending the cold war.” Then talk about politics for a while and hope she’s not stupid. If she is, talk about puppies.
However you decide to start your imaginary conversation, be forwarned: She’s got a boyfriend. Portugese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, who would probably head-butt you if he saw your pasty face talking to his girlfriend.