Another season of Game of Thrones has ended, and everybody’s buzzing about the latest gruesome way one of the main characters died. In this case, a guy’s father got crossbowed to death while on the toilet which, while painful and sad, at least gives him and Elvis something to talk about in the afterlife.
But they’ve been doing the brutal death deal for four seasons now. How long can it possibly go on before people get the point and move on to something else? Especially since they just squeezed a guy’s head so hard it actually exploded. If the screenwriter can actually come script a more grotesque murder than that, arrest him on the spot because he’s probably done it in real life.
If HBO wants this show to make it to the end of the novels, they need to alter the recipe a bit. Also, maybe slipping some speed into George RR Martin’s coffee will make him write faster, so you’re not stuck for material in a couple years while he labors over the same page of A Dream of Spring that he’d been laboring on for the past nine months.
“And then he drew his sword … no … and so he drew his sword … nah, still not right … and thus he drew his sword … fuck this, nap time.”
So in lieu of desensitizing us to slow, painful agony followed by an eternity of peaceless rotting, here are a few novel ways Game of Thrones could shake things up going forward.
– Hodor discovers a second word, then a third, then, much like a toddler learning to talk, won’t shut up ever. Even in scenes where he should be hanging around, there he is, gabbing away about just everything.
– Mountain converts to Christianity and turns himself in to pay for all the murders he’s committed. Especially that skull-crushing one, which was so disgusting I just had to mention it twice. Spewwwwwwww.
– The dragons turn vegetarian.
– Robin, after losing his mother to a shockingly non-violent falling death, walks around demanding boobie milk from everybody — man, woman, animal, whatever. Mama never got around to weening him before she went down down down, and he’s hungry. Should anyone point out that he’s 12 and should probably just buy milk by now, he stabs them in the skull.
Hey, I never said the new Game of Thrones would be bloodless, just surprising. And besides, what disturbs the average viewer more than seeing a precocious child commit horrible murder after horrible murder?
“Precocious” being very loosely used here.
– Next season’s finale ends not with a war or a massacre, but with an anti-littering PSA straight out of the early-90s. “Winter is coming, so please pick up your trash before the snow buries it and Mother Earth suffers further.”
True, implementing these changes might involve deviating from Martin’s vision a tad, but I’m sure he’ll understand. Besides, how could be possibly retaliate: crash the producer’s wedding?