Author Janice Graham is releasing a book on a very important topic: gay kids. Specifically, how to keep your kids from going gay. With chapter titles like “Me Tarzan, You Jane,” the book gives parents helpful advice on teaching their children “correct principals" in order to better shape their sexuality. I’m not exactly convinced it works like that. My own mother did her best to make me gay. At one point in the late 80’s, she went as far as to buy me a poster of George Michael for no apparent reason. But despite what commenters like Office Jerq say, I turned out straight.
While I personally think you should let kids figure out if they’re gay or not on their own, some people don’t feel the same way. Rather than waste their time reading an entire book, these people should just follow this list of five simple ways to keep your kid from going gay. They’re scientifically proven to work, and you can’t argue with science.
5. No Pink
This is geared more toward raising your son, but under no circumstances should you allow a boy to wear pink. Seeing the color too often is sure to flip his gay switch to the on position. So unless you want a fabulous son, this color must be avoided. You should probably avoid music from the artist known as P!nk, just to be sure. If you do find your son wearing pink, corrective action must be taken. Remove the pink clothing, bend him over your knee, and spank his buttocks while forcing him to watch 300. Do this every day for a year. That will straighten him out for sure.
4. Don’t Buy Them Gay Porn
This one is very important. Never, under any circumstances, should you buy your children gay pornography. I know there will be times when you’re going to want to be the “cool” mom or dad and cave into your child’s requests to buy gay porn for them and their friends, but the answer must always be no. It doesn’t matter how hard they try to guilt you into it. Sure, it will be tough, but someday down the line, when your biological grandkids are putting you in a nursing home and stealing your social security checks, you’ll know you made the right call.
3. Avoid Gay Sounding Names
“Lance” Bass, “Ian” Mckellen, “Barney” Frank: what do these three dudes have in common besides their love of man love? They all have extremely gay names. It’s probably no coincidence that they turned out like they did. 15 years of being called “Lance” is bound to mess with your sexuality. Sure, some guys channel it in other ways. Lance Burton found magic, which is only kind of gay. But others end up loving dudes full on. If that doesn’t bother you, by all means, name your son Skyler. But if you want a straight kid, avoid names like Ian at all cost.
2. Make Your Child Kill a Beloved Family Pet
It’s best to wait until your kid is at least 10 for this one, but if your child seems a little “light in the loafers,” nothing will toughen them up like forcing him or her to kill a beloved family pet. Take both your child and the pet out to the woods, and threaten to leave them there unless they do what you say. If your kid refuses, grab their hand and make him or her to pull the trigger. Now this is important; tell your child that the reason you made them do this is because you know they’ve been fantasizing about members of the opposite sex (even if it’s not true). Next, tell them that if they ever think about gay sex again, you’re going to repeat the process using their mother instead of a pet. That’s what psychologists call “positive reinforcement.”
1. Turn Gay Yourself
We all know that as children reach adolescence, they tend to rebel against their parents. This is the perfect opportunity to use “reverse psychology.” Once your kid hits 13, start frequenting seedy gay bars and picking up dudes. Be sure to bring these guys back to your house, preferably when your child has friends over. Night after night of hearing you hook up with hot young twinks will undoubtedly anger your child, and cause them to be rebel by acting super straight! They might even join the Westboro Baptist Chruch. Nothing’s straighter than that.
Note: If you employ this tactic, make sure to stop shacking up with dudes once your son or daughter gets married, or else you’ll seem gay.