When it comes to drinking, St. Patrick’s Day is the ultimate amateur night. Follow these five, easy steps and you’ll be able to celebrate the world’s greatest holiday the way it should be celebrated.
5. Don’t Cover Yourself In Promotional St. Patrick’s Day Shit
This isn’t Halloween, so leave the ridiculous costumes at home. St. Patrick’s Day is a celebration of Ireland’s heroic ability to drink, don’t turn it into a cartoon by showing up at a bar in a plastic green bowler hat, a lime green "F*** Me, I’m Irish" shirt and six pounds of green beads. How would you feel if the rest of the world dressed up as a bunch of fat, ignorant slobs who don’t believe in evolution every July 4th? Exactly. If you must, add a subtle touch of green to your regular wardrobe and hit the bar.
4. Stop Telling Everyone You’re "Actually Irish"
Just because your great-great-great Grandmother’s second cousin was from Donegal does not make you Irish. I hate to break it to you, but you are American. So stop trying to tell everyone that this is "your holiday." You’ve never even been to Ireland.
3. Don’t Get As Drunk As You Possibly Can
I know this one is a little hard to understand, but it’s very important. While Paddy’s day is about drinking, it’s not a free pass to get pants-shittingly wasted. No one wants to hold their freind’s hair as he pukes up 13 green beers all over the sidewalk. That’s kind of a downer and it usually means the evening is over. If you’re not a big drinker, don’t try to go beer-for-beer with your friends who drink all the time. Instead, have 1.5 beers/drinks every hour. I know it sounds like a pain in the ass to keep track, but by midnight you will be at peak drunkenness and thanking me for it.
Another tip: Paddy’s Day is a great opportunity to hook up with the opposite sex. And girls usually don’t sleep with guys who are so wasted that they are either puking or shitting their pants. (Usually.)
2. Don’t Drink Any Non-Irish Booze
Don’t have one Guinness and then go back to drinking Amstel Light for the rest of the night. Show some respect to the country that gave you this holiday and stick to actual Irish spirits like Jameson (if you want whiskey) or Guinness and Harp (if you want beer) or Potcheen (if you want to die.) There are very few Irish vodkas and gins, so you’re probably going to have to do without your girly, flavored cocktails tonight.
1. Stop Speaking In The World’s Worst Fake Irish Accent
It wasn’t funny the first time you said, "Let go of me Lucky Charms!" It also wasn’t funny when you yelled, "Erin Go Bra-less!" or "Aye, you weee lass!" 50 times in a row. Your Irish accent sounds more like Corky from Life Goes On than Colin Farrell. So just stop. Instead, why not befriend an actual Irish person and buy them a beer for giving us an entire holiday that makes it OK for everyone to get tipsy on a work night.
But if you really have to quote a leprechaun, well, you can probably get away with quoting this one:
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