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5 Things You Shouldn’t Do On St. Patrick’s Day

When it comes to drinking, St. Patrick’s Day is the ultimate amateur night. Follow these five, easy steps and you’ll be able to celebrate the world’s greatest holiday the way it should be celebrated.
 
 
5. Don’t Cover Yourself In Promotional St. Patrick’s Day Shit
 
 
This isn’t Halloween, so leave the ridiculous costumes at home. St. Patrick’s Day is a celebration of Ireland’s heroic ability to drink, don’t turn it into a cartoon by showing up at a bar in a plastic green bowler hat, a lime green "F*** Me, I’m Irish" shirt and six pounds of green beads. How would you feel if the rest of the world dressed up as a bunch of fat, ignorant slobs who don’t believe in evolution every July 4th? Exactly. If you must, add a subtle touch of green to your regular wardrobe and hit the bar.
 
4. Stop Telling Everyone You’re "Actually Irish"
 
 
Just because your great-great-great Grandmother’s second cousin was from Donegal does not make you Irish. I hate to break it to you, but you are American. So stop trying to tell everyone that this is "your holiday." You’ve never even been to Ireland.
 
3. Don’t Get As Drunk As You Possibly Can
 

 
I know this one is a little hard to understand, but it’s very important. While Paddy’s day is about drinking, it’s not a free pass to get pants-shittingly wasted. No one wants to hold their freind’s hair as he pukes up 13 green beers all over the sidewalk. That’s kind of a downer and it usually means the evening is over. If you’re not a big drinker, don’t try to go beer-for-beer with your friends who drink all the time. Instead, have 1.5 beers/drinks every hour. I know it sounds like a pain in the ass to keep track, but by midnight you will be at peak drunkenness and thanking me for it.
 
Another tip: Paddy’s Day is a great opportunity to hook up with the opposite sex. And girls usually don’t sleep with guys who are so wasted that they are either puking or shitting their pants. (Usually.)
 
2. Don’t Drink Any Non-Irish Booze
 
 
Don’t have one Guinness and then go back to drinking Amstel Light for the rest of the night. Show some respect to the country that gave you this holiday and stick to actual Irish spirits like Jameson (if you want whiskey) or Guinness and Harp (if you want beer) or Potcheen (if you want to die.) There are very few Irish vodkas and gins, so you’re probably going to have to do without your girly, flavored cocktails tonight.
 
1. Stop Speaking In The World’s Worst Fake Irish Accent
 
 
It wasn’t funny the first time you said, "Let go of me Lucky Charms!" It also wasn’t funny when you yelled, "Erin Go Bra-less!" or "Aye, you weee lass!" 50 times in a row. Your Irish accent sounds more like Corky from Life Goes On than Colin Farrell. So just stop. Instead, why not befriend an actual Irish person and buy them a beer for giving us an entire holiday that makes it OK for everyone to get tipsy on a work night.
 
But if you really have to quote a leprechaun, well, you can probably get away with quoting this one:
 
 
 
 
 
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46 Responses to "5 Things You Shouldn’t Do On St. Patrick’s Day"

  1. Dom says:

    HAH! I saw an episode of COPS when a dude got busted for having green crack rock. He said it was because the “holiday”

  2. Anonymous says:

    I’M IRISH AND PROUD, YOU ASSHOLE!!!

  3. Anonymous says:

    I like the way everybody wants to be Irish and not American.

  4. Dagnut says:

    ha no doubt your a miserable jock..you jakey fuck

  5. Anonymous says:

    A stout is a subcategory of beer

  6. peter says:

    this holiday makes me want to do nothing more than dress in orange and go to the nearest ‘Irish’ pub and shout “God Save the Queen” at the top of my lungs. any clue who william of orange is? because a bunch of drunken americans pretend to be irish for a day you want to celebrate a man who slaughtered the people of ireland? secondly st patricks day is an american holiday celebrating the patron saint of ireland so instead of attacking the irish walk into that local bar and shout something like god save bin-laden it would be more fitting and would actually get the point across

  7. Anonymous says:

    Guinness is a stout, not a beer ;)

  8. Dagnut says:

    where your from AIDO? I know your not a fake with that name

  9. Davetherave says:

    Why is it that I’ve lived my whole life about 3 hrs away from ireland yet I’ve never celebrated St Patricks Day. And I know ACTUAL Irish people! You americans are crazy. Wait, my girlfriend is American……i think I just like the shaven variety of women better than these hag scottish sluts that surround me.

  10. Anonymous says:

    It might make you Irish… Have you ever tried it?

  11. Ev says:

    Your Irish accent sounds more like Corky from Life Goes On than Colin Farrell.

    I thought Corky was palyed by Colin Farrell. Actually, it was some of his best acting.
    “Ding, fries are done” “Ding, fries are done”

  12. Scott says:

    It’s a really annoying buzzkill… That’s what they mean.

  13. McLovin says:

    my favorite part of paddy’s day is looking for a “four leaf clover”! by which i mean looking for an authentic ginger girl, then counting every freckle on her pasty white body!!! thank you saint Mick!

  14. FissileMissile says:

    Do what I do. Grab your friends and go to a Mexican restaurant today and enjoy great service and all the chips and salsa you want with your beer. Then on Cinco de Mayo go a to an Irish Pub and do the same. Nothing beats having no lines to your liquor and getting just as pissed.

  15. uglysexy says:

    I’m half irish from county colgan but it’s actually my least favorite side…
    I like my crip side mo bettah ;p
    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/

  16. Anonymous says:

    As a tried and true non-Irish American all I can say is the drunk excess and stupidity that accompanies this holiday makes me want to do nothing more than dress in orange and go to the nearest ‘Irish’ pub and shout “God Save the Queen” at the top of my lungs.

    I’m also against such labels as Irish-American, Mexican-American or African-American. I was born and raised in America so I’m an American. So what if my skin is black. No one in my family has been born in Africa for at least 300 years. So yeah not African.

    Be safe if you’re going to drink. Be responsible. Don’t be a dumb ass.

  17. Best Online Gambling Casinos says:

    jajaja very funny and happy St. Patrick’s Days

  18. John says:

    well i work on the parade route in NYC and I just went out to get lunch. I was outside for 5 minutes max and saw the following:
    -Everyone dressed up in Irish Halloween gear and street vendors selling the stuff like it was gold
    -Saw 2 “F*** You I’m Irish Shirt”
    - The bar was packed – a lot of Amstel and Bud in hand
    - Random short Irish kid yelling at a fruit stand for not taking him to the bar – guess he thought it was a taxi
    - Many hot drunk girls with too tight jeans, too small tops, and no jackets — ladies it is 40 degrees outside and those high beams aren’t gonna take care of themselves

  19. Aido says:

    I’m born and bred Irish and

    1: We say Paddy. Always have,( it’s “Pádraig” in irish.)
    2: Don’t be so quick to patronise “plastic paddys” as they, in essence invented the holiday, the Irish soon caught on it was popular and copied.
    3:Drinking Irish drinks isn’t a necessity as unless you’ve acquired a taste for it, Guinness is pretty crap and Jameson can be expensive, go for some home made poitín instead ;)

  20. Anonymous says:

    Who wants to be Irish anyway ? They are poor, unemployed as Dell is moving out and has a stupid accent with ugly women.
    Only good thing is that the Guiness tastes fairly good in Ireland and they hate the English.

  21. Imogen Ni Rhian says:

    Firstly can u americans give us a break from all the drunken name calling for once yea we do like to get drunk and have fun but were not all ginger and small im sixteen and ive been drinking alchol since i was thirteen its just normal over here ..i hope you all have a great st patricks day

  22. Anonymous says:

    Ah yer all lightweights, gombeens to a man jack of you. In the immortal words of Philo at some concert or other: “How many of you have some Irish in you?[audience cheers,shouts out etc.]…Well anyone who wants some see me after the show”. THATS how come 25 million people around the world claim Irish descent.

  23. Politacally Correct says:

    Wait….so if I’m not from Ireland then I can’t call myself Irish? Even if my my grandfather’s grandfather was from Ireland? By using that “logic” African-Americans would have to be called “black Amercians”, and that’s RACISM.

  24. skott says:

    as an actual irishman i thank you for this

  25. Morty says:

    Also blasting a line of cocaine cut with smashed up green smarties does NOT make you Irish…

  26. Al-P says:

    What the FUCK do you mean, “dont get as drunk as you possibly can.”?!?!!

  27. Anonymous says:

    Honestly i don’t get the whole lucky charms thing. I live in Ireland and we don’t even have them here. I want some damn lucky charms! Also I wouldn’t be angry at Americans dressing up in Paddy’s Day gear because we do it just as much.

  28. Glitch says:

    Most of these were good ideas and I’m sure that they will hold true in the coming year. But I would like to ask that all of you slack jawed frat boy jack asses stop defaming the Holy Day buy dropping the St. from St. Patricks day. Just because you are too much of a pussy to drink in front of your mom still doesn’t mean you have the right to muck around with the traditions of a day that you are just a tourist on. If you want to com out and have a drink with us thats fine. But leave your pagan bullshit and your political agendas at home( unless your the RA and then hat tip Boyos).

  29. thewiseking says:

    Ah yes, It’s St Patricks day in NYC again. Time to celebrate ignorance, public drunkeness and domestic violence. I used to think the Puerto Rican day was the ground zero of ehnic pride shitstorms but the sight of a couple million miserable drunk bastids wearing satin Jets jackets, beads and plastic hats, makes me yearn for the sight of rum swilling greaseballs shagging and pissing in public on 5th avenue.

    Now, where did I leave my green tie……..

    Happy St Patricks Day Everyone!!!

  30. cory says:
    I stand corrected. I edited it (and added Potcheen, which will take years off your life. But in a good way.)
  31. Bill says:

    Ok great tips, but there is an Irish Vodka (Boru vodka) which you can get in most bars only around St. Patty’s day. C’mon most vodka comes from the potato and you assumed the irish wouldn’t have one?

  32. galwegian says:

    I’m Irish and living in ireland and nothing is MORE annoying than Americans saying “yea i’m irish- my great great grandmother’s cousin’s nephew was Irish”. Where in ireland were they from? usual response: “well I don’t know!”
    Also, it’s paddy’s day. patty is a woman’s name and the thing you put in between burger buns.

  33. Anonymous says:

    St. Paddy is the only way to go huh? ok, note taken. Happy St. Paddrick’s day everyone!

  34. Anonymous says:

    “Paddy” was a slur in the US – a generation ago using it was an ideal way to lose some teeth right quick. Look up “Paddy Wagon” – all will become clear. Unless you are just off the boat/plane in the US – in the US no one says Paddys Day. We use Pattie as the shortened version of Pat/Patrick here. You might have noticed the US is an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY so the customs are different.

    And yes I know where my family is in Ireland thanks. Most of them are still there – after all many of us have only been in the US a short while. But thanks for the typical plastic paddy judgement. Don’t be culturally ignorant yourself now. Irish Americans do things differently. God some Irish are such arrogant preachy d bags. As ignorant of other nations as they claim others to be

  35. misssunshine says:

    Well said Anon! galwegian is a pure ballawan!She’s just angry becuase she’s beef to the heel like a mullinger heifer!I also still have family there and know exactly where they live as I’ve visited several times. What a d-bag.

  36. Anonymous says:

    St Patrick the patron saint of Ireland wasn’t actually Irish douche bag!

  37. Gersch says:

    ‘Just because he was Irish doesn’t mean he drank all the time.’
    Pish, guy was a lush.

  38. Anonymous says:

    Does anyone even know who St.Patrick was? I doubt it. Go look it up and realize St.Patrick’s day is just another excuse to drink. Just because he was Irish doesn’t mean he drank all the time.

  39. Anonymous says:

    he helped spread christianity through out ireland in the 4th and 5th centuries..he owes this to the fact that he was sold as a sex slave at the age of 16 to a druid priest by the name of Milchu. This is where he learned the ways of the Celts and specific druid rituals. By learning so he was able to help convert celts to christianity, baptizing thousands of the irish and said to have consecrated around 350 bishops. Umm he said he had dreams and visions of angels that told him how to spread the word of gOD, but then again who hasn’t…ohh and yeah nothing about snakes..maybe getting rid of paganism, or a good idea for a movie of them on a plane??

    don’t be so condescending while talking on websites..Happy St. Patty’s day bitches.

  40. ReverendJeffy says:

    Can I also add one? Getting drunk, yelling “Fuck the Irish” while some drunk bastard tries to make a speech at a bar and then throwing Lucky Charms at the crowd while you beat a hasty retreat.

    I… err… of course, wouldn’t know anything about this. But I’m given to understand it’s a bad idea.

  41. Paul says:

    “I hate to break it to you, but you are American. So stop trying to tell everyone that this is “your holiday.” You’ve never even been to Ireland.”

    I’m going to tell this to some drunk girl at least a few times tommorow.. I know it..

  42. Anonymous says:

    That video was sick. I think the midget in those terrible leprauchan movies was Warwick Davis, that guy from Willow. He was also Wicket in Star Wars. Sweet.

  43. 7inches says:

    Please note that these rules DO NOT apply to the token midget dressed up as a leprechaun…in fact, assume the opposite.

  44. spanky says:

    I thought about going to an Irish pub and wearing a hat that says “officially jewish”but I would probably just wind up getting my ass kicked. I guess I will just have to stick to my leprauchan immitations. By the way, “leprauchan in the hood”; one of the greatest movies of all time.

  45. Dagnut says:

    Haha that is funny coming from a galway tramp…your city is funded by what you call “fake” Irish..without tourism you’d have fuck all you gypsy descendent whining bitch

  46. craigbanwen says:

    Correction on the spirits front, I do believe Gin and Vodka are now made at the Cork distillery. And never forget Poteen, NEVER, last time I had the good stuff I was blind for 72 hours. Melted the plastic beaker it came in.

    btw Google St Patrick and Banwen, I live a mile from his birthplace in WALES. naturally we’ll use this as an excuse to have a drink as well.

    All the best
    http://www.twitter.com/dragonwheels