Perez Hilton is a pretty loathsome character. Using toilet humor and crudely drawn pictures, he spends his days mocking celebrities and acting like an all-around douche. In a way, he’s a lot like Holy Taco, except that he’s made millions of dollars, and we don’t even make rent. That’s what makes us “irreverent” and makes him “a dick.”
But recently, the self described “Queen of All Media” has been called a hypocrite for coming out against cyber-bullying, which isn’t surprising considering he spends his days bullying people in cyberspace. The negative attention seems to have taken its toll on the blogger, who recently went on “Ellen” and vowed to change his awful ways, saying “from now on I really want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem." Well Perez, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do, but we here at Holy Taco welcome your change of heart. We’d like to go one step further and recommend five ways in which you can make the world a better place. And in the interest of taking the high road and not being mean, “killing yourself” is not one of them. It’s all about love.
5. Go Back In the Closet
Gay kids have it rough, and you’re not exactly making it any easier. When you go on TV or the Internet and claim to speak for homosexuals, it gives gay people a bad name. It’s sort of like when Osama Bin Laden acts as a spokesmen for Muslims, or Jimmy Johnson acts as a spokesmen for ExtenZe. People see you, and they want to punch things associated with you. Some poor 13-year-old gay kid doesn’t need you to stick up for him. He needs you to shut up. The best thing you can do is go back in the closet and start dating Lindsay Lohan. Maybe then straight kids will start beating the sh*t out of themselves. 4. Become a Guinea Pig for the HIV/AIDS Vaccine
In the past, you’ve been notorious for outing gay people who were still in the closet. You have also been known to throw around the word “fag.” Those aren’t exactly the actions of someone who is trying to promote tolerance and understanding. Why not make it up to your community by helping fight a disease that has plagued it for years. They’re still a long way from perfecting an HIV/AIDS vaccine, but volunteering to be a test subject will bring them one step closer.
3. Do Not Breed or Adopt
Yeah, I know you’re gay, but so is Ricky Martin. Lot’s of gay dudes seem to be raising kids these days. You should not be one of them. Keeping your genes in the mix is a crime against humanity, but instilling your values in a child would be just as bad. So make the world a better place by not having or raising children. Kids suck anyway, so why not enjoy one of the perks of being gay?
2. Stop Appearing in Videos of Any Sort
You have a face for radio, a voice for print, and an ass for Jenny Craig. Stop showing up on our televisions. There’s nothing worse than having your horrifying face pop up on my TV while I’m trying to finish a meal. I’m ugly as sin, but I don’t subject anyone to my image. Why don’t you extend us all the same courtesy. 1. Stop Pretending You Matter
In your stupid “Ellen” interview, you say that you are changing your ways because you “feel like it was the right thing to do for (yourself) and the world." The world? The world does not care about you. You run a blog. People read it. People read 4Chan and Maureen Dowd, but that doesn’t make them important. It’s the fact that you feel the need to comment on important issues that helps fuel people’s hatred of you. If you stopped pretending like your opinion matters, you’d be free to draw dicks on whoever you want. See…