6. Ron Wood – The Rolling Stones
You could probably put every one of the Stones on this list, but Ronny tends to get off easy because he’s always standing next to Keith “walking corpse” Richards and Mick “walking pair of wrinkled lips and other wrinkled stuff” Jagger. Either way, this man is two sagging feedbags away from a hysterectomy.
5. Phil Spector – Producer/(alleged) murderer
A little advice for Mr. Spector: If you’re going to wear a wig to your court appearance, don’t steal it from Estelle Getty.
4. Alice Cooper
When you’re an 18-year old rock and roll star, you need a bit of makeup to add those sinister dark circles around your eyes. When you’re a 60-year old recovering alcoholic with stringy hair who plays in Pro-Am golf tournaments all day long, those circles are there whether you put on makeup or not.
3. Roger Daltrey – The Who
In 1965 Roger Daltrey sang, “I hope I die before I get old.” He did not.
2. Tom Keifer – Cinderella
While this guy’s looks alone could land him in a “Musicians Who Look Like Trannys/Lesbians/Rip Torn/Sewage” list, it’s the fact that he is STILL clinging to the 1980s hair metal look that pushed him up this high on the list. If there’s one thing my grandmother shared with bands like Cinderella, Poison and Ratt, it was a love of long flowing scarves, oversized glasses and weirdly-shaped hair. (And herpes. But don’t tell grandpa.)
1. Simon Phillips – Toto (he was the drummer)
I didn’t think you could just waltz into any hair salon and just ask for “The Grandma.” But apparently when you’re the drummer for Toto, the rules don’t apply to you.