6 Alternatives to Walking, Because Walking Is For Assholes

You ever walk anywhere? It’s horrible, right? It’s like such a waste of energy. We’re a bipedal species, but quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of it. You know who walked everywhere? Neanderthals. Have we not evolved beyond hoofing it? We have, my friends. The future is here, and it’s going to help us avoid burning so many calories getting from one place to another!

The Segway

The iconic and most groundbreaking personal transportation option is the Segway. It’s controlled by a gyroscope and ridden by turds. Hopefully, one day, we’ll all be planting our mushy, atrophied legs on one of these slick machines!

Segways are great because you can get around quickly and still pick your ass.

Segways are not intimidating, but neither are Chinese people, unless there’s a small battalion of them on segways.

The Solowheel

You know what I hate about Segways? They’ve got two wheels and a handlebar, which makes them far too easy to balance on. They’re also rather large which means one would have to park it outside the mall and then WALK to Cinnabon. No thanks! Don’t you want something small and portable that will still allow you to not move so much? Of course you do. Why, hello, Solowheel!

Rickshaws

As the global economy turns to shit, and the divide between rich and poor becomes larger, rich people will be looking for ways to get around without moving, and poor people will be looking for work. Hello rickshaw service! The perfect solution to our economic and energy crises! If you’ve ever been fancy enough to ride one of these, you’d know they make you feel pretty damn regal. The wind blowing through your hair, the scenery passing by at a perfect pace, and the smell of a poor, sweaty stoner occasionally wafting your way. Nothing could be better. Except maybe walking.

People Movers

They’re like flat escalators that move traveling assholes from one side of the airport to the other. If you’re a business man trying to make it to your flight on time, you can walk down one of these and double your speed. If you’re a writer for Holy Taco, you can grab a seat on one of these and eat lunch while you glide effortlessly towards your gate. Once they figure out how to get the weight limit up on these things, they will be replacing sidewalks. In a perfect world, anyway.

Jazzy Scooters

Why do these fine machines have to be limited to invalids and the elderly?

Strollers

Kind of like a rickshaw, but in this scenario, you don’t have to ride down wind of a swamp-assed illegal.