6. Super Broker Shuffle – Southern Food Brokerage Corporation
This post was originally put up in August as "5 Amazingly Embarrassing Corporate Songs". But after seeing the "Super Broker Shuffle," which almost perfectly parodied the Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle I feel that it warranted a place on that list. It’s so amazingly bad that I can’t tell if it’s fake or not. If it is, then someone did an awesome job of recreating white old men rapping about groceries. If it’s not fake, then we should close up the Internet, because nothing will ever top this.
Best Lyric: "Grey poupon is full of spice/spread it on a sandwich it tastes so nice/I didn’t come here to drop my duffle/I came here to do the Super Broker Shuffle.
5. WE BUILT THIS STARBUCKS – JEFFERSON STARBUCKS
If you’re going to write a song to get your employees psyched up to sell some coffee, don’t make it a parody of the worst song ever written.
Best lyric: It’s another Funday/With the deals we land/Licensees have got the venue/(Ohhhhhoahhwwhoaow)/And we bring the braaaand!
4. WE WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY – MINDSHARE
Imagine getting the memo that your company’s executives thought it would be a good idea to write a team-building song and that it was mandatory that all employees had to be in the video. Then imagine the memo saying that you had to sing a version of Donna Summer’s "She Works Hard For The Money" except with lyrics about how great you treat your clients. Then imagine that you’re not imagining this.
Best lyric: A people’s business that’s what it is/Research creative and digital/Creating value/So meet our wonderful team (Please note that it doesn’t even rhyme)
3. ERNST & YOUNG – OH HAPPY DAY
This one definitely wins the award for having the corporate world’s longest song with the fewest lyrics. Somehow they make this song go on for well over four minutes, while only using about six words throughout the whole thing.
Best lyric: Break it down/Happy/Happy day/Ernst & Young/Better way/Happy/Happy day/Ernst & Young/Better way/Happy/Happy day/Ernst & Young’s a better way
2. JIM DUBOIS & ETHAN CHANDLER – ONE BANK
The guy I really feel bad for is the guitarist in this video. No one knows if he just got stuck in this video because he was the only one who knew how to play guitar in his department. Now he’s known as the "douche playing guitar in that video with the douchebag singing about his bank."
Best Lyric: Have you come to meet Lea McGee/Have you heard about Michelle Shepherd?/She’s leading the team in the Northweast.
1. BRUCE SERVICEPACK & THE VISTA STREET BAND – ROCKIN’ OUR SALES
Who the fuck are these people?
Best lyric: If they’re CEO’s laptop gets ripped off by some thief/There’s no worries with BitLocker/The data’s secure and that’s a big relief
Honorary mention: The part where the two guys show up (at the 2:38 mark) and say "Microsoft sales team rocks! And we’re gonna keep rockin’ with SP1" would’ve won best lyric, but I wasn’t sure if it was technically a lyric since they weren’t singing.
BONUS SONG NICK DEAN, KRISTIAN VANDEMARK AND MIKE ST. PIERRE – EXPECT MORE WITH QUEST