Awards season is just wrapping up after the debacle of the Grammys and the Oscars and everything else no one really wants to see because it’s boring and self indulgent and all we do is bitch every year on Twitter and Facebook and, I dunno, Instagram? I don’t use that shit. We collect “social networks” like we used to collect baseball cards, it’s thee shades of retarded and serves to mostly work as a lame kind of cyber masturbation. Man, this article is starting off bitter.
Anyway, awards shows sucks, so what would we really like to see awards for? I got some ideas. Because it’s my job.
The awards show that celebrates the greatest liars we meet day to day. Who is more full of shit? Lawyers? Politicians? Celebrities? Guys who are covering up for their shady business dealings? The Church? There’s so many choices it’s sure to be a surprise for everyone, plus it’s a good way to identify assholes you should avoid in the future!
Yes, the AVN Awards are a thing where porn congratulates porn for making porn, but what about one step back from porn to just good, old fashioned smut and objectification? Boobs need recognition, a metaphorical hug if you will, to show them how much they’re loved. The biggest, the coldest, the bounciest, notable side boob, remarkable underboob, a tribute to boobs of yesteryear and maybe some kind of musical boobstravaganza. God, doesn’t it just make you want to watch?
Not technically for overweight people, the Fatties celebrate the most elaborately over the top food items ever. Huge burgers, bacon-wrapped wings, mac and cheese with sausage, a giant, meat monster and whatever other despicable things internet sub-culture can think of.
The bread and butter of the internet, lobbing snark and spite at people who did something to annoy you or otherwise make the world a dumber place in which to live is what we do. The Spities offer recognition to those who are the best of the best when it comes to insulting others, in this case probably via Twitter. Special Achievement Awards to be given to Donald Trump and Chris Brown for being such easy targets all the time.
An often overlooked contribution to world culture is the act of stopping sucking and actually improving what you do. Basically learning from one’s mistakes. So maybe the exact opposite of M. Night Shyamalan. The Unsucky acknowledges singers, writers and filmmakers who started out shitty and improved greatly over time, actually demonstrating the capacity to learn. Notable winners include Peter Jackson, Nirvana and probably me.
We all know some drunks but the fact is every so often you run across a drunk who just seems to possess super human abilities whilst drunk and that needs to be celebrated. Like a drunk who falls down is nothing, but a drunk who manages to do backflips off of a shed into a pool without spilling a drink. Give that guy an award.