We spend a lot of time over here making fun of mongloids, Justin Bieber, Amy Winehouse, hobos, the Tea Party, idiots, midgets, Japan, the sexually retarded, foreigners and the poor (filthy beggars) but never do we make fun of albinos, because we’re sensitive to people’s differences. And with that in mind we offer up this handy guide for all our albino fans. Your pale hides make this job worth doing.
Spelunker – No albino belongs out in the harsh light of the sun, sucking up dreadful vitamin D and burning through layer after layer of sallow, alabaster monster flesh like the underbelly of a frog on a griddle. No, albinos belong in dank, dark holes, the way Jesus intended. And what darker, danker hole than a system of unexplored caves. That’s right albino, you could be a spelunker!
Like the native wildlife found in dank, dark holes, the albino is pasty and intolerable to look upon with normal human eyes. Because of this, the blind, cannibalistic horrors that live deep in the caves will more readily accept the albino, ensuring that the job of exploring caves gets done while not placing any of us normals at risk. It’s really a win-win.
Jizz Mopper – Close co-worker of fluffers, the jizz mopper is one who, as the OED puts it, “mops jizz.” Indeed, every adult movie set features at least one errant spray of bodily mayhem and someone need to get in there and scour it clean before it solidifies into a mass of sin that won’t ever be scrubbed free.
Where our soulless albino friends excel is in their natural blending abilities when it comes to pale, sticky messes, be they man gravy, oatmeal, mozzarella cheese or vanilla pudding. You could even just sit an albino beside the mess and people would assume it was melting under the harsh lights. They’re really the ultimate niche maids.
Mushroom Picker – Some of the best mushrooms are grown in sewers beneath Paris, because nothing makes a mushroom quite as tasty as the effluence of Frenchmen. It’s naturally funguriffic. That’s not even a word. Not even close.
Working in dismal, French sewers isn’t really the purview of the average person, nor is hunting down edible fungus when perfectly good pigs have been successfully doing it for generations. But who better to lurk the subterranean farms of today (and likely the subterranean farms of the future) than modern-day Morlocks?
Vampire Poseur – These days, vampire are more popular than root vegetables and geriatric pornography. Emo kids love ‘em and children who were raised alone with bug collections want to be them. And of all the pale children in the world sitting at home avoiding the sun, straightening their hair and putting on black nailpolish, no one could dare come close to topping you, albino.
While in nature a total lack of pigment leaves an animal at risk of predation, in the modern world of man it leaves a lonely kid at risk of being the coolest guy in his Kindred LARP with his choice of the sexiest social malcontents and art majors.
White Supremacist – Too obvious? Doesn’t matter, some things are obvious for a reason, like bulges in the pants of certain hookers and the future of Wal Mart employees. If you’re going to build a decent hate-based organization, you may as well try to have a bit of follow through. As it stands right now, most white supremacists seem to be grungy dudes with farmer’s tans, clocking in about as white as the average dirty Spaniard.
Clearly the mighty albino is at the fore front of any true white supremacy agenda, as their lack of pigment identifies them as having gone above and beyond in terms of negating visual racial identifiers. Not even the most Nordic of Norsemen decked out in clogs, lederhosen and eating fish and chips from a bowl of mixed metaphors and poor geographical knowledge could hope to be so white.
Under the watchful pink eyes of the albino, white supremacists could really get some shit done, assuming they have shit to get done. Mostly they have seemed to just want to get rid of everyone not white in the past, but a decent PR move would be passing out free muffins or building a community center, which would very likely rally people behind the cause. Plus, once everyone figures out what a total non-threat albinos are, since there’s only like a handful of them out there, the nasty stigma of white supremacy will lose some of its edge. Give it a few years and they’d be as welcome as Shriners.
Man From Glad – For 50 years now no man has commanded more respect than the Man from Glad. He walks in the shoes of an albino for he knows the power they wield, and he will straight up murder your ass if you use the wrong garbage bags. They used to show that in the commercials in the 70’s, then he’d dispose of the body in a Glad bag and leave without a drop of blood or panic tears on his perfect, white suit. They were as breathtakingly terrifying as they were effective as sales tools.
In much the same way it’s offensive to cast Lou Diamond Phillips as a Mexican singer, or Lou Diamond Philips as Mexican-Indian cowboy, or Lou Diamond Phillips as anyone of definable ethnicity, so too is it wrong for the Man From Glad to portray an all powerful albino spokesman when he’s really just a dude in a wig who doesn’t get much sun. For this job to be fully fleshed out, you need to take the colorless, creepy reigns, albino. It’ your destiny.