Barack Obama is going through the process of naming his cabinet, but why should he be the only person with a cabinet? Since not everyone needs a secretary of defense, we decided we’d come up with a few positions that might help out the average Joe a bit more.
6. Ambassador For Keeping My Grandma Busy During Family Functions
As long as someone’s talking to my Grandma, I don’t have to feel guilty because she’s sitting by herself, staring off in to nowhere as if she’s waiting to die. Therefore, I need someone who not only won’t shut the hell up, they’ll also find themselves so entertaining that they won’t be phased at the fact that my Grandma doesn’t say anything and makes weird throat clearing signs that sound like 1940s model T trying to free itself from mud.
5. Secretary Of Defending The Sweaty Guy In Pick-Up Basketball Games.
NOMINEE: Patrick Ewing
Job Description: This position would be responsible for guarding the low post against the one guy in every rec basketball game that smells and looks like he went swimming in a pile of garbage and semen. Mr. Ewing’s own experience in the field of sweaty gives him the necessary tools to keep this player away from the action so that the game may continue without the fear of a sliming affecting the play.
4. Secretary of Waiting on Hold With Customer Service Representatives
Nominee: Gilbert Gottfried
Few things are less productive than waiting on hold to pay a bill. The candidate for this position must be able to endure long hold times and inundating hold music. The candidate must also possess a keen haggling ability, and be able to side-step ridiculous accusations like “your account is three months past-due” and “please don’t threaten my family, sir.” Not only does Mr. Gottfried possess the aforementioned abilities, but his eternally irritating voice will provide much-needed retribution for me, the unwilling bill-payer.
3. Minister of Obscure Facts
Nominee: Alex Trebek
Every conversation can benefit from a seemingly useless and obscure fact that is on topic and intriguing. Mr. Trebek’s extensive experience with obscure facts and information make him a clear first choice for the position. His usefulness in everyday interactions is best illustrated in the following examples:
Co-worker: I love the movie Alien.
Me: Me Too.
Trebek: Did you know that the chest bursting scene was all done in one take with four different cameras, and that the actors look genuinely surprised because they were never told exactly what would happen in the scene?
Me: Very interesting. Thanks, Trebek.
Me: Man, this elevator is taking forever.
Trebek: Y’know, Archimedes built the first elevator around 236 B.C.
Me: No, shit?
Trebek: No shit at all, sir.
2. Undersecretary of Deciding What To Eat When I’m With A Group of Indecisive People
Nominee: Guy Fieri
It’s inevitable that a group of friends will be indecisive about where to eat, ultimately resulting in someone saying "let’s just go to Chili’s, it’s close." The larger the group, the longer it will take to find a place that suitable for everyone (or at least, most of them). Guy Fieri, the host of the Food Network’s Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives is the most suitable candidate for the position. Not only does Mr. Fieri possess and extraordinary knowledge of food and dining establishments, but his experience in working specifically with low-cost establishments will be beneficial to the wallet as well.
1. UNDERSECRETARY OF INTRODUCING ME TO CHICKS IN BARS
NOMINEE: Pauly Shore
Job Description: This person alleviates the normal uncomfortable moments when first approaching a woman in a bar, by going over to the woman first, and putting her at ease with a few jokes, as well as organically work in to the conversation how cool I am. Then when the time seems appropriate, introducing me to said chicks. It’s also incredibly important that this person not be very attractive, as to not run in to the problem of the chicks choosing to bang him over me.