We went 0-8 in our predictions last year. But that didn't stop us from looking into our crystal ball to see who was most likely to kick the bucket in 2009.
5. Andy Dick
Mr. Dick is known for getting totally wasted and yelling at people and pulling his wang out and doing tons of drugs.
Likely Cause of Death: The man loves drugs, and if the rumors about his sexuality are to be believed, he loves wangs, too. So I’m guessing he’s going to accidentally snort a wang one day and die of whatever happens to you when you snort a wang.
4. Paula Deen
This Food Network favorite rose to popularity with her folksy southern charm and her ability to turn any meal into an artery clogging heart attack on a plate. I watch more Food Network than I’d like to admit, and I hope Paula lives a long, long life, but you can’t eat nothing but deep fried butter bacon until the Grim Reaper shows up for dinner.
Likely Cause of Death: I’m not sure if medical science has a name for what’s going to take Paula down, yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be something like “sausage lung,” “fatblood” or “mayonnaise lump.” Just look at her grocery list:
3. Rod Blagojevich
The Rodster went from being a no-name nobody governor to the poster boy for corruption and blow drying when he allegedly attempted to sell Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder.
Likely Cause of Death:
There’s a good chance that a lot of high-powered people in Chicago are worried that Rod’s going to say some things that could bring others down with him. High powered people know people who can make “accidents” happen. And since his hair is clearly a weakness, I wouldn’t be surprised if Blago “accidentally” used this shampoo.
2. Axl Rose
Paler, fatter and braid-ier, W. Axl Rose finally released “Chinese Democracy” this year to a resounding chorus of, “Hey, remember when we all used to love hair metal? Yeah, that was kind of a mistake.”
Likely Cause of Death: The failure of “Chinese Democracy” will be too much for him to take. The strain and mental exhaustion of realizing no one cares about Guns N’ Roses anymore will cause Axl to slip into coma, taking him out of the media spotlight where he will die 15 years later.
1. Karl Malden
The man has been in tons of classic movies like “On the Waterfront,” “A Streetcar named Desire,” and “Patton.”
Likely Cause of Death: The man is also 96 years old. We’re pretty much just playing the odds on this one.
Honorable Mentions (Or, People We Couldn't Put On The List Because They Were Too Obvious, Not In Good Taste, Or Because The Secret Service Might Pay Us A Visit)
I'm waiting of the day Paula Deen whips up a recipe for Deep Fried Butter. The woman is out of control -- my arteries cringe whenever I catch even a minute or her show!
They got rid of Emeril so they had to bring in another fatty feeder. It shouldn't be called the Food Network anyway, it should be called "If you're fat and you know it clap your hands... except your arms can't make it all the way around your tubby gunt and man boobs and 30-odd folds of flesh so... just watch Paula and order a pizza."
The death of a President or potential President is never a good thing but, the SS better be on it's game with this one and Obama better be smart enough to listen to the SS. Hey, it may not just be some racist slime ball who trys to take him out. He comes from a very corrupt state.
Nice Deadpool, Ironic that Axl is there cause G'N'R's first hit "Welcome to the Jungle" actually debuted on the soundtrack for The Dead Pool" the Dirty Harry movie, and Jim Carey played the singer of the fictional band in the movie, and it seemed to me he was channeling Axl. Ramble Ramble Ramble......
What about Bernie Madoff? That guy pissed off sooooo many people. I picture some rich guy putting him on an island, and hunting him, for sport. like that Ice-T movie in the early 90s.
more:
~Steve-O: poisonous snake bite on the testes
~Porn Star Mary Carey: Jump off a building
~Spencer Pratt: bar-fight (i got this on my death pool)
~Miley Cyrus: creepy stalker.
I agree, wishing or predicting the deaths of strangers is shameful, you should only wish or predict the death of people that you know personally. However, I also feel that using the "F" word and taking the lords name in vain are shameful too.
Indeed. Why, I only read these gossip sites so I can have something about which to complain. Never to have some sort of vicarious thrill. And the grammar? Horrible. Like starting a sentence with a conjunction. I pray for your souls to my Lord Jesus every night.
Great list, even the honorable mentions. Paul Deen will be responsible for plenty more than her own death, and we'll love every bacon egg and cheese donut burger along the way.
News flash. Pete "Dougherty" is actually spelled Doherty. Dougherty...I mean...lol...I suppose you have to blame the English way of pronouncing it. It's an Irish name and it's pronounced "Doh-her-tey", not "Dockerty" as they say it.
He's in Celeb Big Brother in the UK this year - if he died in there...
He seems the most sane of the lot, but tbh, they've dredged up some obscure Jackson sibling again. Also, did they all have the same nose surgery to try n make Michael's less noticeable if they move in a crowd?
i want the jacksons to live forevvvvvvver.especially tito.he's uber classy,killing his ex-wife dee-dee..he's the most stable of them all. and by stable-i mean serial killer.
yeah,i'd like to stuff vern troyer up my ass and run a mile and turn him into david hasselhoff.because that's what happens when you stuff dwarves up your butt and run-around for awhile,their careers BLOW UP!!! fuck. i hate hollywood.
Uh...if Rose falls into a coma and dies in 15 years, he won't actually die in 2009. Pick another celebrity or make a prediction that actually fits the title of your post.
(100 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:39 am
I'm waiting of the day Paula Deen whips up a recipe for Deep Fried Butter. The woman is out of control -- my arteries cringe whenever I catch even a minute or her show!
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The very concept of this article is deliciously awful
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
They got rid of Emeril so they had to bring in another fatty feeder. It shouldn't be called the Food Network anyway, it should be called "If you're fat and you know it clap your hands... except your arms can't make it all the way around your tubby gunt and man boobs and 30-odd folds of flesh so... just watch Paula and order a pizza."
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
"The failure of “Chinese Democracy” will be too much for him to take."
I'm confused on this part... were you talking about the album or the Chinese government? Because they both pretty much suck.
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
I'm sure the writer was indicating his album
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Why would you have Barack Obama listed there? Is it because you think there are enough bigots in the US for someone to try to take a shot at him?
January 2nd, 2009 at 01:11 pm
No shit Sherlock.
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
what a dumb ass question!! Fucking liberal!
January 4th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
The death of a President or potential President is never a good thing but, the SS better be on it's game with this one and Obama better be smart enough to listen to the SS. Hey, it may not just be some racist slime ball who trys to take him out. He comes from a very corrupt state.
January 7th, 2009 at 04:15 am
You, sir, are retarded.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
"Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and Diabetes"
I LOL'd
January 2nd, 2009 at 06:34 pm
Haha, me too.
January 2nd, 2009 at 01:08 pm
Nice Deadpool, Ironic that Axl is there cause G'N'R's first hit "Welcome to the Jungle" actually debuted on the soundtrack for The Dead Pool" the Dirty Harry movie, and Jim Carey played the singer of the fictional band in the movie, and it seemed to me he was channeling Axl. Ramble Ramble Ramble......
January 2nd, 2009 at 04:19 pm
Any death list that doesn't have Amy Winehouse is shyte!
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
she was left in the "too obvious" category.
if you didn't notice.
January 2nd, 2009 at 04:29 pm
What about Bernie Madoff? That guy pissed off sooooo many people. I picture some rich guy putting him on an island, and hunting him, for sport. like that Ice-T movie in the early 90s.
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
i hadn't thought about being hunted on a deserted isle, rather simply assassinated.
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Or... you could just say the most dangerous game?
No, stick with the Ice-T movie. I'm sure more people will recognize that on here.
January 2nd, 2009 at 05:01 pm
I hear Uncle Fidel isn't feeling so hot these days.
January 2nd, 2009 at 05:32 pm
more:
~Steve-O: poisonous snake bite on the testes
~Porn Star Mary Carey: Jump off a building
~Spencer Pratt: bar-fight (i got this on my death pool)
~Miley Cyrus: creepy stalker.
January 4th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Wishful thinking on that last one, eh?
January 2nd, 2009 at 05:46 pm
Abe Vigoda obvious omission?
January 2nd, 2009 at 07:34 pm
I know a stripper named Lard Butter.
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
What about Artie Lange?
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Here's to going 0-5 again this year!
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
Good god, what the fuck is wrong with you? Wishing or predicting someone else's death? People you don't even know?
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I agree, wishing or predicting the deaths of strangers is shameful, you should only wish or predict the death of people that you know personally. However, I also feel that using the "F" word and taking the lords name in vain are shameful too.
January 3rd, 2009 at 04:23 pm
Indeed. Why, I only read these gossip sites so I can have something about which to complain. Never to have some sort of vicarious thrill. And the grammar? Horrible. Like starting a sentence with a conjunction. I pray for your souls to my Lord Jesus every night.
January 4th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Jesus? Who dat?
January 7th, 2009 at 04:08 am
Jesus, he's that old school magician, right?
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
Genius for: Come to think of it, everyone on "Celebrity Rehab"
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
Ozzy Osbourne anybody?
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
I like the way you think.....
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
I'm hoping Mr Maldin lives many more years....if he's got good health.
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Artie Lange...He will overdose sometime this year I am sure of it!!!!
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Ditto on Artie Lange. Should be #1!
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Who's Pete Dougherty?
Also: Pete Doherty should probably be on that list.
January 3rd, 2009 at 01:23 pm
Great list, even the honorable mentions. Paul Deen will be responsible for plenty more than her own death, and we'll love every bacon egg and cheese donut burger along the way.
January 3rd, 2009 at 02:07 pm
News flash. Pete "Dougherty" is actually spelled Doherty. Dougherty...I mean...lol...I suppose you have to blame the English way of pronouncing it. It's an Irish name and it's pronounced "Doh-her-tey", not "Dockerty" as they say it.
January 3rd, 2009 at 02:11 pm
Although saying that "Dougherty" was actually a good attempt!
January 3rd, 2009 at 02:22 pm
what, no Artie Lange?
January 4th, 2009 at 08:54 am
baba booey
January 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
right on.
January 3rd, 2009 at 02:30 pm
Can't overlook Vern Troyer. Midgets never last long, especially the alchoholic ones.
January 4th, 2009 at 11:35 am
He's in Celeb Big Brother in the UK this year - if he died in there...
He seems the most sane of the lot, but tbh, they've dredged up some obscure Jackson sibling again. Also, did they all have the same nose surgery to try n make Michael's less noticeable if they move in a crowd?
January 9th, 2009 at 01:07 pm
i want the jacksons to live forevvvvvvver.especially tito.he's uber classy,killing his ex-wife dee-dee..he's the most stable of them all. and by stable-i mean serial killer.
January 5th, 2009 at 01:26 pm
yeah,i'd like to stuff vern troyer up my ass and run a mile and turn him into david hasselhoff.because that's what happens when you stuff dwarves up your butt and run-around for awhile,their careers BLOW UP!!! fuck. i hate hollywood.
January 14th, 2009 at 09:36 am
That'll be a breach birth FOR SURE! Hasselhoff's head is already UP HIS OWN ASS.
January 3rd, 2009 at 06:17 pm
Is that what Axel Rose looks like now?
You know when people start to resemble Mick Hucknall they don't have long to go
January 3rd, 2009 at 07:38 pm
Uh...if Rose falls into a coma and dies in 15 years, he won't actually die in 2009. Pick another celebrity or make a prediction that actually fits the title of your post.
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