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5 Celebrities Most Likely To Die In 09

We went 0-8 in our predictions last year. But that didn’t stop us from looking into our crystal ball to see who was most likely to kick the bucket in 2009.
5. Andy Dick
andy dick likely to die
Mr. Dick is known for getting totally wasted and yelling at people and pulling his wang out and doing tons of drugs.

Likely Cause of Death:
The man loves drugs, and if the rumors about his sexuality are to be believed, he loves wangs, too. So I’m guessing he’s going to accidentally snort a wang one day and die of whatever happens to you when you snort a wang.

andy dick, drugs gay dead
4. Paula Deen
paula deen dead die
This Food Network favorite rose to popularity with her folksy southern charm and her ability to turn any meal into an artery clogging heart attack on a plate. I watch more Food Network than I’d like to admit, and I hope Paula lives a long, long life, but you can’t eat nothing but deep fried butter bacon until the Grim Reaper shows up for dinner.

Likely Cause of Death:
I’m not sure if medical science has a name for what’s going to take Paula down, yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be something like “sausage lung,” “fatblood” or “mayonnaise lump.” Just look at her grocery list:

paula deen grocery list dean fat

3. Rod Blagojevich
rod blagojevich dead die
The Rodster went from being a no-name nobody governor to the poster boy for corruption and blow drying when he allegedly attempted to sell Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder.
Likely Cause of Death:
There’s a good chance that a lot of high-powered people in Chicago are worried that Rod’s going to say some things that could bring others down with him. High powered people know people who can make “accidents” happen. And since his hair is clearly a weakness, I wouldn’t be surprised if Blago “accidentally” used this shampoo.
blagojevich dead die hair shampoo
2. Axl Rose
axl rose dead die
Paler, fatter and braid-ier, W. Axl Rose finally released “Chinese Democracy” this year to a resounding chorus of, “Hey, remember when we all used to love hair metal? Yeah, that was kind of a mistake.”

Likely Cause of Death:
The failure of “Chinese Democracy” will be too much for him to take. The strain and mental exhaustion of realizing no one cares about Guns N’ Roses anymore will cause Axl to slip into coma, taking him out of the media spotlight where he will die 15 years later.

axl rose dead die dying death
1. Karl Malden
karl malden dead death dying dead die
The man has been in tons of classic movies like “On the Waterfront,” “A Streetcar named Desire,” and “Patton.”
Likely Cause of Death:
The man is also 96 years old. We’re pretty much just playing the odds on this one.
karl malden dead died death dying die
Honorable Mentions (Or, People We Couldn’t Put On The List Because They Were Too Obvious, Not In Good Taste, Or Because The Secret Service Might Pay Us A Visit)
Amy Winehouse
Patrick Swayze
Barack Obama
Pete Dougherty
Courtney Love
Owen Wilson
OJ Simpson
Stephen Hawking
Farrah Fawcett
That guy in the wheelchair on "Celebrity Rehab"
Come to think of it, everyone on "Celebrity Rehab"

102 Responses to "5 Celebrities Most Likely To Die In 09"

  1. Anonymous says:

    Indeed. Why, I only read these gossip sites so I can have something about which to complain. Never to have some sort of vicarious thrill. And the grammar? Horrible. Like starting a sentence with a conjunction. I pray for your souls to my Lord Jesus every night.

  2. Jamesq says:

    Here’s to going 0-5 again this year!

  3. sparklenowblow says:

    I’m hoping Mr Maldin lives many more years….if he’s got good health.

  4. sparklenowblow says:

    I like the way you think…..

  5. Anonymous says:

    why dont you shut up!!!!!!!!!!1 whoever likes this site is a big piece of ……..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Chaos says:

    What about Ozzy or Phyllis Diller either one of them could kick off at any moment. I also think it’s great that Obama is on there because we have plenty of tweeked out gun toting redneck fucks out there that will try like they did in Tenn.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Your an Idiot….this site is not wishing for anyone to die, just saying based on behavior, circumstance, position in life or a combination, the likelihood of them dying…if you cannot read or at least read the meaning of an article then don’t comment…

  8. Anonymous says:

    Abe Vigoda obvious omission?

  9. Anonymous says:

    Can’t overlook Vern Troyer. Midgets never last long, especially the alchoholic ones.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Jesus, he’s that old school magician, right?

  11. Anonymous says:

    Although saying that “Dougherty” was actually a good attempt!

  12. Dan says:

    Great list, even the honorable mentions. Paul Deen will be responsible for plenty more than her own death, and we’ll love every bacon egg and cheese donut burger along the way.

  13. Anonymous says:

    News flash. Pete “Dougherty” is actually spelled Doherty. Dougherty…I mean…lol…I suppose you have to blame the English way of pronouncing it. It’s an Irish name and it’s pronounced “Doh-her-tey”, not “Dockerty” as they say it.

  14. Reaper says:

    I hear Uncle Fidel isn’t feeling so hot these days.

  15. DominosPizza says:

    Is that what Axel Rose looks like now?
    You know when people start to resemble Mick Hucknall they don’t have long to go

  16. big love says:

    no,i just hope somebody smudges bam margera out.he stinks like meat and cheese,and not good meat and cheese.he jumped the shark a loooong time ago.what a fuck-bag.okay,thanks for letting me vent,send me a bill.

  17. Wadd says:

    GeeZ…. we would have NEVER gotten through this without a brilliant,and remarkable mind like yours,explaining everything in here to us.Did you call your Mom to show her your reply?Go ahead! I’ll bet you’ll get a cookie.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Uh…if Rose falls into a coma and dies in 15 years, he won’t actually die in 2009. Pick another celebrity or make a prediction that actually fits the title of your post.

  19. Anonymous says:

    what, no Artie Lange?

  20. Barf says:

    I know a stripper named Lard Butter.

  21. Anonymous says:

    baba booey

  22. Anonymous says:

    Your FACE is stupid Brenda.

  23. Wadd says:

    That’ll be a breach birth FOR SURE! Hasselhoff’s head is already UP HIS OWN ASS.

  24. big love says:

    yeah,i’d like to stuff vern troyer up my ass and run a mile and turn him into david hasselhoff.because that’s what happens when you stuff dwarves up your butt and run-around for awhile,their careers BLOW UP!!! fuck. i hate hollywood.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Good god, what the fuck is wrong with you? Wishing or predicting someone else’s death? People you don’t even know?

    You should be ashamed of yourselves.

  26. Anonymous says:

    What about Artie Lange?

  27. Anonymous says:

    My vote goes to Bam Margera, im thinkin one of his friends goes ape shit and chop chop

  28. Dbax says:

    Ditto on Artie Lange. Should be #1!

  29. Anonymous says:

    No-one forces you to read it you arsetard!

  30. bry says:

    Genius for: Come to think of it, everyone on “Celebrity Rehab”

  31. Wadd says:

    It can’t be THAT bad Brenda,you’re in here just like the rest of us.You’re not just going to sit there and condemn the folks who add a little light hearted humour are you? Maybe you’re just hoping I type something that will reveal my true identity in hopes of making love with me? I can see through your little games.:o)

  32. Anonymous says:

    I agree, wishing or predicting the deaths of strangers is shameful, you should only wish or predict the death of people that you know personally. However, I also feel that using the “F” word and taking the lords name in vain are shameful too.

  33. Anonymous says:

    Who’s Pete Dougherty?

    Also: Pete Doherty should probably be on that list.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Ozzy Osbourne anybody?

  35. Anonymous says:

    Artie Lange…He will overdose sometime this year I am sure of it!!!!

  36. Anonymous says:

    right on.

  37. Anonymous says:

    what about steve-o?

  38. Anonymous says:

    Wishful thinking on that last one, eh?

  39. Anonymous says:

    Don’t be a smartass.

  40. Anonymous says:

    Alrite. We can all just write an E-mail and tell them to put YOU up there.

  41. Anonymous says:

    He’s in Celeb Big Brother in the UK this year – if he died in there…
    He seems the most sane of the lot, but tbh, they’ve dredged up some obscure Jackson sibling again. Also, did they all have the same nose surgery to try n make Michael’s less noticeable if they move in a crowd?

  42. frankie says:

    ~Steve-O: poisonous snake bite on the testes
    ~Porn Star Mary Carey: Jump off a building
    ~Spencer Pratt: bar-fight (i got this on my death pool)
    ~Miley Cyrus: creepy stalker.

  43. Anonymous says:

    Joe Paterno, his deal with the devil has to be up soon.

  44. Anonymous says:

    LOL i love how obama is on the bottom list.

    I think we all know why he is going to die.

  45. big_love says:

    i want the jacksons to live forevvvvvvver.especially tito.he’s uber classy,killing his ex-wife dee-dee..he’s the most stable of them all. and by stable-i mean serial killer.

  46. brenda says:

    This site is stupid. Write some real shit and stop being haters and wishing the worst for people unless they are truly deserving. I’d like to see some more interesting positive articles and not ones that predict failure or death.

  47. Anonymous says:

    Jesus? Who dat?

  48. breezy09' says:

    yo chill out kid this site is amazing a gud laugh never hurt any1… and thats the price you pay for being a celebrity so HA! lolz

  49. Anonymous says:

    They got rid of Emeril so they had to bring in another fatty feeder. It shouldn’t be called the Food Network anyway, it should be called “If you’re fat and you know it clap your hands… except your arms can’t make it all the way around your tubby gunt and man boobs and 30-odd folds of flesh so… just watch Paula and order a pizza.”

  50. Anonymous says:

    I think Ed McMahon is going to be seeing Johnny sometime this year.

  51. ironic says:

    ironic ironic shit. patrick really did die in 09. score!

  52. Stephanie says:

    Karl Malden is also gone.

  53. Anonymous says:

    Unfortunately, I think this is the last year for Teddy Kennedy. Sad by true. Hope they at least put a big bottle of scotch in the box with him.

  54. Wadd says:

    I want to be on this list! But there is a catch.I get to die on December 31st/09 at 11:59pm.Cause of death? Humped to death by Christy Canyon,with obvious head trauma from the brutal bludgeoning received from her enormous breasts.I’M READY LORD!I AM READDDDDY!!

  55. Anonymous says:

    nobody says Obama, ‘Because The Secret Service Might Pay Us A Visit’ (for the person who didn’t read that part)…I heard a long time ago that people bet on who’s going to die next (cash)…I hope Michael Jackson kicks the bucket and leaves the rights to the Beatles songs to Paul McCartney in his will…read that he wanted to…but, I doubt it…if he did, Paul should give half to Yoko, Sean and Julian Lennon

  56. salemslot9 says:

    p.s.~give Ringo and George’s son their share, too

  57. Anonymous says:

    Ringo & George had a son? How did this happen?
    Joan Rivers must be approaching her centenary by now.
    David Letterman, Steve Jobs, Kurt Russell?

  58. Anonymous says:

    Robert Mugabe, Hugh Hefner or Joe the Plumber

  59. Wadd says:

    It is a terrible thing to contemplate anybodies demise.Everyone mentioned in here is a living breathing human being,and hopefully will remain that way for a very long time.If I were to take an uneducated stab at something this vile.I would have to incorporate what has happened(or not)in the past.Without making mention of anybody in particular,it has been a very long time since a political figure was the victim of an “accident”,or even the (parish the thought)an assassination attempt.I will leave it at that.I pray to God that everyone mentioned here,and everyone that reads this S–T.Will live long enough to see Karl Malden see his next ten birthdays.

  60. Thunderscrotum says:

    Well guys, you got Farrah Fawcett right … that’s 1 out of 17. Congrats. Looks like Anon’s kicking your ass so far, though – 2 for 2.

  61. Wadd says:

    How about the “B”-Listers chained to the wall in Phil Spectors basement?

  62. Anonymous says:

    people most likely to die and how they will die in 09: Jonas Brothers, hopefully plane crash

  63. Anonymous says:

    A few of you mentioned Amy Winehouse, I believe she is near the top of the list.
    My personal Deadpool has already had 4 hits and it’s only April.

  64. Anonymous says:

    Biggest odds on favourite to die in ’09…..THIS WEBSITE.

  65. Anonymous says:

    This whole article cracked me up….and all the posts afterwards…

  66. Anonymous says:

    So you sacrifice any bit of good taste and human dignity to place Obama’s name on your “un”list (what’s the diff anyway; you STILL SAID IT?) just so you can see if you will be right? What a f**king vulture! That is just unspeakably VILE of you! How disgusting!

  67. Sean says:

    what a dumb ass question!! Fucking liberal!

  68. Anonymous says:

    The death of a President or potential President is never a good thing but, the SS better be on it’s game with this one and Obama better be smart enough to listen to the SS. Hey, it may not just be some racist slime ball who trys to take him out. He comes from a very corrupt state.

  69. Mr. Balls says:

    Why would you have Barack Obama listed there? Is it because you think there are enough bigots in the US for someone to try to take a shot at him?

  70. Anonymous says:

    You, sir, are retarded.

  71. Wooters says:

    No shit Sherlock.

  72. I killed JFK says:

    no twat ure a retard !!

  73. Anonymous in stl says:

    i hadn’t thought about being hunted on a deserted isle, rather simply assassinated.

  74. Anonymous says:

    Or… you could just say the most dangerous game?
    No, stick with the Ice-T movie. I’m sure more people will recognize that on here.

  75. Anonymous says:

    What about Bernie Madoff? That guy pissed off sooooo many people. I picture some rich guy putting him on an island, and hunting him, for sport. like that Ice-T movie in the early 90s.

  76. Anonymous says:

    “Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and Diabetes”

    I LOL’d

  77. Bekka says:

    Haha, me too.

  78. Anonymous says:

    If you don’t like the site, then don’t come back. Freedom of Speech, baby.

  79. Wadd says:

    I plead the Fifth Ammendment

  80. Anonymous says:

    she was left in the “too obvious” category.
    if you didn’t notice.

  81. Anonymous says:

    Any death list that doesn’t have Amy Winehouse is shyte!

  82. Anthony Payne says:

    no lil wayne?

  83. breezy09' says:

    wat did lit wayne do to gain a spot on the list lolz???? i mean his music would live on trus lolz

  84. Anonymous says:

    Was Amy Winehouse too obvious? She’s definitely going to die sometime soon.

  85. Anonymous says:

    WOW, you TOTALLY missed Amy Winehouse!

  86. Pratik says:

    “The failure of “Chinese Democracy will be too much for him to take.”

    I’m confused on this part… were you talking about the album or the Chinese government? Because they both pretty much suck.

  87. Anonymous says:

    I’m sure the writer was indicating his album

  88. Emma says:

    Interesting list lol

  89. james says:

    It may never die, but it will always suck!

  90. Karen says:


  91. Ruckafellow says:

    METAL \M/

  92. Anonymous says:

    dude hair metal is awesome
    ALL metal is awesome
    dont be hating on metal cause its not as popular as at used to be


  93. VideoVampire says:

    Nice Deadpool, Ironic that Axl is there cause G’N'R’s first hit “Welcome to the Jungle” actually debuted on the soundtrack for The Dead Pool” the Dirty Harry movie, and Jim Carey played the singer of the fictional band in the movie, and it seemed to me he was channeling Axl. Ramble Ramble Ramble……

  94. kdoggydog says:

    Wow…Amazing. Horrible, but still amazing.

  95. Personof2009 says:

    You missed Artie Lange

  96. Anonymous says:

    John Goodman is a whale. He gotta go at least 350.

  97. Wadd says:

    EVER HEAR OF GREENPEACE? This Dude is “heavily” protected.I’ll bet that guy can pump coaltar through his arteries.

  98. sandra says:

    I’m waiting of the day Paula Deen whips up a recipe for Deep Fried Butter. The woman is out of control — my arteries cringe whenever I catch even a minute or her show!

  99. Wadd says:

    Joan Rivers has already gone to her heavenly reward.She’s just too ugly and stupid to lay down and get buried.She’ll likely be around forever,for that husband (R.I.P.) of hers is nailing the door to eternity shut.HE DON’T WANT THE BITCH EITHER.

  100. Anonymous says:

    Joan Rivers. Oh please. And her daughter will figure a way to make money off it.

  101. Rizzo says:

    The very concept of this article is deliciously awful