Our good friends at Fleshlight are kind enough to send us disembodied vaginas on a semi-regular basis that we can either try or put googly eyes on, on a case by case basis. But the Fleshlight is also pretty much the pinnacle of the affordable, modern sex toy game. After that there’s just those ultra-realistic, multi-thousand dollar real Doll sex dolls that are unspeakably creepy and sad. But what if you, like our intern, are deathly afraid of sex shops and are unable to obtain credit with which to make online purchases, but you still are so very horny for polymer-based sexual release? Necessity is the mother of invention, and crafty pervs the world over have come up with numerous homemade sex toy options! It’s just that some make our soul frown.
That this exists at all in some capacity should give modern philosophers pause, and you as well. But it does. It does and, if you take nothing else away from this video, take this image;
That’s the final product, a solidified starch weiner holster that looks like the savaged horn of the world’s most slow-witted, morbidly obese unicorn. This is the state of modern, homemade eroticism. If you can get it up for this, make sure you have a vial of hobo tears on hand to use as lube, you depraved, puzzling creature.
Ahh, the Fifi. If you’ve ever actually met a woman named Fifi congratulations, you’re a Frenchman from the Baroque period. For the rest of us, as the video details, Fifi is a towel tied around a glove. Macgyver could use that to weld together engine parts, you can use it to wank. And doesn’t the gentleman in the video have the most soothing, seductive voice to put you in the mood for a little non-consensual back woods pig squealing?
This was discovered on a site called LetsMasturbate.com, so you have to have a small degree of understanding for the mindset of those who frequent the site. The name is not misleading in any way, this site literally posted, as a masturbation suggestion, the use of a ham hock. Not familiar with this sensual cut of meat? It’s right next to a pig’s ankle. Mmm, sexy.
The site, for those with the good sense not to click the link, advises that you simply cut the ham hock, microwave it till warm in a bag, slip the bag between some couch cushions, hump the ham. Read that sentence as many times as it takes to fully appreciate the world you currently live in.
Fun Fact – the creator of this also points out how the fat lubes up the ham and, if you wrap it in twine, it’ll feel just like pubes. AAAAGGHH!!
This one’s for you ladies. Not in a good way, remember this is depressing sex toys. A beach ball seems like an innocuous little item at first, but if you bounce on it and then….wait…no, that’s the end. Apparently just bouncing on a beach ball is all it takes to get a woman off these days. Huh.
Yes, we already covered the homemade fleshlight, but this alternate model was too good to pass up. You make this with a can of Lays Stax, or Pringles if you have jungle fever, a roll of foam rubber and a condom. Oh, and for extra spice, bust out a highlighter and doodle in a vagina. Like so.
Now if our Baroque Frenchmen are still here and want to evoke some more memories of Fifi, maybe you’d be more in the mood to recreate her mouth as you remember it before you parted ways.
Ahh, she’s a sexy old tart.
Dollar Store Buttplug
A homemade sex toy is, by definition, cheap. It’s pretty ghetto. But man, when you start scanning the Dollar Stores for your next smutty Martha Stewart home project, you’ve gone to a harrowing new level of gloomy wankery. And of all the potential Dollar Store smut items we saw on the home made sex toys website, none captured our hearts quite so quickly as the rubber stamp butt plug. This screen cap petty much covers it.