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6 Examples of Scumbag Fine Print

Fine print exists because of assholes.  People who legally need to let you know something but really don’t want you to know something because it’s ridiculous put it in tiny print where you’re not likely to ever notice it.  Many times it’s just mundane details, sometimes it’s absolutely preposterous.

Western Sky’s Terms


Do you see what it says there? An APR of 117%. 84 monthly payments of $486.58 on a $5,000 loan.  That’s over $40,000 you have to pay back.  If you need $5000 so badly that you’re willing, and somehow able, to pay back $40,000 for it, there’s a good chance you’ve murdered someone and are about to be murdered yourself because you owe someone $5000.

There’s a good chance that Western Sky has the money to give you for these loans because they pawned the possessions of all the people who were killed after not paying their loans off in time.  You would literally find a better deal from any organized crime operation in the country and at least they’ll have the decency not to hide the screwing they’ll give you in fine print, they’ll just tell you you’ll die if you don’t pay them back soon.

Death by Leasing


Lease agreements are often completely ridiculous if you take the time to read through them, which so few of us actually do.  If you did, you might see a clause like this, which, in so many words, requires you to provide one month’s notice before dying if you’d like to terminate the lease along with your life.  Past that highlighted portion it also lets you know your corpse will be charged moving fees if they have to clean your shit out.  So you better not die until your crap is on the curb.

Fine side note, the next clause lets you out of your lease if you end up being drafted to the Armed Services.  Here’s hoping they bring that back before you die.

Real Est-Hate (see what I did there?)


Here’s a scan of a real estate agreement from 1950 that apparently allows for an entire century of racism.  Not sure if anyone would try to bring this to court for a contract violation if any Greeks ended up renting the property, but you never know.

Sea Org

Well, it’s a Scientology contract, so obviously it’s an issue already, but do you see the bigger problem?  Right there, smack in the middle of the page where, apparently, you sign on to this crazy chicanery for a term of one billion years.  A billion.  You know what would be unreasonable?  A decade.  One billion years is so batshit idiotic that this contract is probably rendered hilariously useless anywhere in the world where Tom Cruise is not the savior.

Warning: Nuts


This is the world we live in now.  A world so coddled and pampered and sad and dickified that there is a warning on a packet of peanuts that the product may contain nuts.  Yes, children, nuts contain nuts.  And if you have a nut allergy, tell your parents to buy you a damn epi pen because nature itself produces nuts and you can’t live in a shitty plastic bubble of nut oppression forever.  I eat peanuts in public, I don’t give a shit.

It’s Decorative


This was accompanied by a story about how the owner of this plate had been eating off of it for months, having never bothered to flip it over before.  While that guy is clearly partially to blame, screw decorative plates.  Screw them in the ear.  Plates are for plating things, generally food.  Don’t make your plate poisonous, even if it is pretty to look at.  That’s ridiculous.

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