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6 Fun Things Pete Rose Should Do While Managing for a Day

Baseball legend, all-time hits leader, and (pro wrestling) Hall of Famer Pete Rose is returning to baseball as a manager. For one day. For some nothing independent team in some nothing independent league. That’s a more monumental downfall than if the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS Club had elected Richard Nixon their new President.

Watterson was too busy drawing somebody else’s strip and then hiding for another 20 years to draw me a Calvin-esque Nixon. So snobby.

Rose will be managing the Bridgeport Bluefish, a team his son briefly played for back in the day before he retired due to not being very good at baseball. Nepotism knows no bounds. Why Rose is doing this is a mystery — the team crowing on about how they’re all about “second chances” rings flat once you realize the myriad of chances Rose has had over the years to make money and keep his name in the papers.

Still less embarrassing than his reality show.

It’s barely even a publicity stunt, since I can’t think of many people who would go to some random game because one guy sitting in the dugout and picking his nose is only doing so for one day. And for those that do: once Pete Rose leaves, so will they. The chances of the fucking Bridgeport Bluefish picking up a legion of new life-long fans because of this one game is slimmer than winning Russian Roulette with a sub-machine gun.

One of the few bets Rose probably wouldn’t take.

Besides, what can you possibly do with a one-day job? Most likely, he’ll show up, give a rah-rah speech, clap, make pre-arranged pitching changes, sign some autographs, and then leave. But if he sees this in time, I have a few other, more interesting activities in mind he could try. If Rose wants to make the most of his temporary job, he should …

– Make the mascot pitch

Quit sitting on your ass and get to work.

– When it comes time to argue with the umpire over something, babble in a completely incoherent tongue like Steve Carell in Bruce Almighty. Pretend you’re speaking perfect English and get pissed when the ump asks you what you’re talking about.

– Make the batboys dress like Batboy. Not the adorable California kid who fought the Riddler and Penguin. The Weekly World News version.

Still adorable.

– Pour all the sunflower seeds into the giant container of Gatorade. Act surprised every time a player notices.

– Steal all the chewing tobacco and replace it with dirt.

Nobody will notice the difference

– Forfeit the game after the first strike.

What’s the worst that can happen: he looks like a fool? He’s already proven himself good at that. And the team isn’t likely to give a living legend grief after the fact, no matter what he does. That would be bad publicity.

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