The Girl Scouts, one of North America’s oldest organized crime syndicates, has launched a brand new cookie called Savannah Smiles to temp you wallet at a grossly inappropriate mark up. The new cookie is a lemon shortbread dusted with powdered sugar, which sounds kind of boring and in no way can compete with the fierce might of the Thin Mint or the underdog awesomeness of Samoas. This new innovation, the lemon, was discovered around the first century or so, at least by Europeans, which makes it as old as shit. Really, Girl Scouts? Really? There are any number of potentially more awesome cookies that could be introduced and that will more than justify the nearly insane price you charge. Behold!
If you Google rum cookies, you’ll come up with hundreds of potential recipes, but they’re all inconsequential, the rum part is the money in this one. Rum is the gift the islands given unto us and pirates and it’s our right to enjoy that gift in a treat delivered door to door by children. As the average box of Girl Scout cookies costs like $30, they’re clearly marketed to adults so they may as well appeal to adults. Chocolate chip is kiddie shit and we all know it, you need some liqueur in there at the very least to make it worthwhile. Christmas chocolate manufacturers clued into this years ago which is why today you can go out and buy tiny choco bottles of Jack Daniels that are filled with half shots of whiskey and sugar. If you get your customer base wasted, they will come back to you.
Pie is awesome. Pecan. Cherry. Strawberry-Rhubarb. Probably other kinds. This cookie shtick is cute and all, but come on. It’s time to diversify, Girl Scouts, you’re last year’s news with these baked goods. Do you know when the cookie was invented? The year after the lemon was invented. Let it go, ladies.
Door to door pie sales would be awesome because when’s the last time you wanted a pie and made one? The fourth of never. No one really makes pie. That’s insane. You just buy it from somewhere else. If someone brought it to your door, you’d probably have some kind of ecstasy fit and you’d be right to do so. Pie is your friend. Girl Scouts, make it happen. You’re supposed to be industrious.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t know what a pecan sandy is and I don’t care. Don’t tell me in the comment section, I’ll have it deleted. But pecans belong in pies, we’ve already established that, if you put them in a cookie you’re basically letting the terrorists win. This whole thing was about pecans. Maybe a tad about oil. Also batshit insanity. Girl Scouts, I’m not saying terrorism is your fault or anything, I don’t think you even make pecan sandies and surely, as good American girls, you don’t endorse terrorism. In that spirit, put Scotch in your sandies. It’s the same premise as the rum cookies, it’s just that sometimes you don’t want rum.
There’s a lot of sugar in cookies and suppose we’re all diabetic or something, that’s not cool. Girl Scouts, why do you want me to do have raised blood glucose? Do you want me to suffer dehydration? Seizures? Potential coma and death? Maybe you do support terrorism. Best to nip this terrible reputation you have in the bud right now and roll out some low-sugar alternatives. Like chicken wings. Golden fried. Salty. Delicious. So good. God, I’d punch every one of you right in your Girl Scout “Never Been Punched by a Customer” Badge for some wings right now. So sweet.
Thin Mint Schnapps
Despite the fact you’ve never met anyone who drinks schnapps, schnapps still exist in all manner of insane flavors like coffee, apricot and desperation. Mint schnapps also exists so the transition to Thin Mint would be pretty easy, just toss in some chocolate chips or whatever. We were beating around the bush with the rum cookies and the Scotch Sandies but what we’re trying to say is, little girls should be selling booze door to door. That’s brilliant. Say it’s for charity and people will buy a bender for next week too. And everyone wins!
Crispy Crack Surprise
They say women prefer chocolate to sex, so good on the Thin Mints and Tagalongs, Girl Scouts. But not everyone is crazy for chocolate, things like McDonalds, Starbucks and even Pringles can seem addictive. You want people hooked on that level and beyond, so don’t leave anything to chance. Leave it to crack cocaine. Or heroin, as supply and demand dictates. Just a touch in each cookie will probably get people hooked and in no time you’ll be raking in record profit hand over fist. Now, the astute amongst you Gil Scouts may at this point be thinking “Holy Taco, that’s terribly illegal.” Well first, respect your elders. But also, most of what we’re already suggested is patently illegally as well. But you’re minors and you also have plausible deniability. Practice this “What do you mean, Mr. Police Man, someone put bad medicine in our cookies?” That line will usher you through this whole process like a mighty hawk whisking away a mouse.