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The 6 Most Insane Rumors About Barack Obama

barack obama

Remember the last election? It was almost an inspiring time in America, unless you were a Republican, then it was like waking up and finding out you shat the bed. But for the rest of us, as Obama’s star kept rising and it became more and more likely that he’d win, and then he finally did win, it was magical. It filled the country with hope and wonder and a sense of awe. And then, the next week, everyone shat the bed.

Since Obama became President, most of his non-supporters have come to the conclusion he is Satan. Arguably they don’t even mean that hyperbolically, some people really think he’s the anti-Christ, as if the anti-Christ would be foolish enough to show up as a black liberal. But being the anti-Christ or, God forbid, a Muslim, aren’t the only accusations Obama has had to dodge.

 
 Obama Makes Up Natural Disasters

obama quake

 
Obama is known as a quick thinker and a very good orator, so maybe some folks thought that went to his head back when he was making comparisons between Louisiana’s dealing with Hurricane Katrina and Hawaii dealing with a 6.9 magnitude quake. The problem? Seems like no one knew about the Hawaii quake.

A quick look at the link from the Drudge report, if you can stomach the shitty layout, shows page after page after page of well-informed readers calling Obama out for his completely idiotic statements about this mystery earthquake that hit Hawaii in 2006. Conservative blogs raked him across the coals, people joked that he retardedly thought Haiti was a state and confused it with Hawaii. Man, it was a hilarious romp and it made it all the way from the conservative blogs onto Fox and Friends, the fun-time morning show that pairs delightful chatter with bitter ignorance.

After a short time, someone, possibly a Hawaiian, took the time to point out that yes, an earthquake did hit Hawaii in 2006 and it was kind of a big one. And it was covered on FOX news and everything. It’s rumored that Obama may have quickly run to his underground lab and use a couple of USB cables to attach his time machine to his earthquake ray and rigged the whole goddamn thing himself, but we’ll never know.

Lesson Learned: Earthquake or not, Obama is still gay.

Obama is Gay

obama weiner

Turns out, back when Obama pretended to be a US Senator in Illinois, what he was really doing was barebacking bears and Bears fans at Chicago gay clubs while snorting cocaine and generally being as queer as he wanted to be.

Back in the day, a man named Larry Sinclair outed the president as the most brokeback commander in chief since Taft. And the mainstream media ignored the whole damn thing! Cover up! Sinclair, who even agreed to take a polygraph to prove he gayed it up with Obama, told tales of nasty man love and cocaine use the likes of which few Presidents have ever been accused of, with the exception of the well known Lincoln Loved Heroin and Whores dossier that’s been around for a few years now.

As it happened, like so many Maury guests before him, Sinclair ended up failing his lie detector test, and it was also revealed he has along history of fraud and deception, but that didn’t stop bloggers from picking up the story and running with it. When Sinclair’s Wikipedia info was deleted it caused a shitstorm in the minds of people who believe that deleting bullshit validates its existence, thus cementing in the minds of the few, the proud, the retarded, that Obama does, in fact, love that gay, cocaine sex.

In another terribly reliable article, the actual sstatement Obama “generally enjoys being fellated by older white men” appears without a single LOL or wickedly hilarious GIF located anywhere near it. It continues to explain how Obama is a lifetime member at a gay bathhouse along with Rahm Emmanuel. It is journalistic excellence the likes of which you rarely find on the internet.

The fact that Sinclair failed that lie detector test and this entire story rests on the idea that the Secret Service is covering up a gay conspiracy that includes destroying gay club membership documents and Obama’s lifetime membership card explains pretty handily why mainstream media never bothered reporting on most of this.

Lesson Learned: Obama may not be gay, but he absolutely gave part of America to Mexico.

Obama Gave Part of Arizona to Mexico

obama taco

In June of this year there was a bit of a kafuffle over in Arizona. No, it wasn’t that silly business about how Arizona’s government is terribly intolerant, or an investigative report into why the hell anyone bothers with Tempe, it was about how there’s a big, lawless chunk of the Arizona/Mexico border that routinely plays out the movie Desperado in a real world setting. So many armed smugglers were running across the border it had become unsafe and the Federal government stepped in and told people just to stay out of three counties. Is it the best solution? Yes, for a dipshit. But still, it’s not like we just gave up and let the Mexicans have Arizona. Except on FOX.

Sadly FOX can’t quite get a grip on why liberal media sources continue to mock them and this was a fun example. Though the gist of the story was outlined above, the key point being people were told to avoid these three counties, FOX News slapped the headline “Obama gives back major strip of Arizona to Mexicans” on it and left it at that.

Anyone who actually read the story or even managed to stay conscious and cognizant of their surroundings long enough to listen to the report that even FOX news had to give may have noticed the “giving land to Mexicans” part never actually popped up. Because it never happened. Meh, details.

Lesson Learned: Obama may have never given land to Mexicans, but the son of a bitch is still plotting a nuclear war.

Obama is Planning Nuclear War

Do you remember last summer when we rained nuclear fire down on our enemies? No. Well, that shit comes and goes, who can pay attention. America’s Got Talent was on. Anyway, last year the US offered some support to South Korea, because of that whole never-ending war with an insane goblin they have going on over there. The response from the insane goblin was as swift as it was non-sensical; the state run media in North Korea let the world known Obama, in conjunction with the South Koreans, was trying to start a nuclear war.

Technically the US was offering South Korea additional defenses against the threat of North Korea, since North Korea had been testing nuclear weapons at the time. For those who missed M*A*S*H, the US has been helping South Korea since the 1950’s, while the commies were supposed to be backing the North, until like an insane little bird, it was ready to take flight on it’s own shithouse rat journey of madness. So the only thing that changed or brought anyone closer to nuclear war was the North and its testing of nuclear weapons, but you can’t really argue with North Korea, this is the country that hatched a plan to end hunger by breeding giant rabbits, until Kim Jong-Il ate them all.

Lesson Learned: Obama might not have actually instigated a nuclear holocaust, but he is trying to make concentration camps for conservatives.

Obama is Making Concentration Camps for Conservatives

Some days it’s hard to decide who’s more hilarious, Bill O’ Reilly or Glenn Beck. Sure, we could mention Keith Olberman or Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh too, but we can only make fun of so many windbags and we’ve already taken aim at FOX so let’s just stay on target. Arguably everyone should know that Glenn Beck is just a Bizarro world Jon Stewart with poor comedic timing and, probably, a serious masturbation compulsion. But people still take him seriously for some reason. So let’s play that game for a spell.

Last year, Beck blew the story of Obama’s insidious concentration camps wide open. You see, Obama wants to have that socialized health care shit which in turn is pretty Communist which in turn is pretty Fascist which in turn means we’re about a hop, skip and a jump away from early 1940’s Germany. Did you follow that? Healthcare you don’t have to pay for means we are going to strip innocent civilians of their civil rights and lock them away in FEMA camps. It happened in Canada and it’ll happen here too, count on it.

If this made no sense, we apologize, but it can’t really be clarified because it’s pretty much retarded. What do you expect from Glenn Beck though?

Lesson Learned: Obama may not be locking people away in concentration camps, but he was absolutely, positively, 100% for sure in the video for Whoomp, There it is.

Obama is in the Video for Tag Team’s Whoomp There It Is

Remember the rumor that Grover Cleveland invented the Cleveland Steamer? Or that James K Polk once murdered a family in Iowa because he hated Iowa families? Those have nothing on what is arguably the best Presidential rumor of all time, that Barack Obama apparently took time away from writing a book and teaching in Chicago to travel to Atlanta so he could talk on a fat ass cell phone while playing dominoes in a video for one of the shittiest songs ever. It’s so awesome it seems impossible to not be true.

Both the White House and Tag Team have issued denials but it seems pretty obvious that this is total bullshit and that, at about 1:01, you’re looking at a domino loving Barack Obama whoomping the shit out of it, whatever and wherever it is.

Lesson Learned: Obama absolutely was in the video for Whoomp There It Is. And he also makes up natural disasters.

 

42 Responses to "The 6 Most Insane Rumors About Barack Obama"

  1. Herp Derp says:

    Check the comparable federal law, genius.

  2. BullDawgsMofo says:

    Is this site going to also turn into a spout of liberal bullshit?

  3. iuriggs says:

    obama sucks. i dont like his policies and arrogance, but i laugh my ass off when idiots like palin, rush etc… talk about conpiracy theories. not all republicans think like they do. there are some normal ones out there.

  4. Justin Bieber (but my fans call me "JB") says:

    conservatives are as moronic as i am gay

  5. Republicans are fucking idiots says:

    Everyone in the fucking world except conservatives hate conservatives. You retards really think Obama is a lizard person nazi hurricane creator.

    Fucking idiots. Go kill yourself

    Signed your hero
    Glenn Beck

  6. Ian Fortey says:
    There’s a subtle difference between liberal propoganda and pointing out that Obama isn’t gay.
  7. Ian Fortey says:
    Holy shit, a reasonable Republican, who can dislike Obama but not think he’s the devil at the same time, reads Holy Taco.  We have heard of people like you.  We should send you a shirt.
  8. Ferocious Beast says:

    Need I point out the the author lives in Canada

  9. Ian Fortey says:
    That just means I’m a bigger socialist than Obama.
  10. Dolly says:

    Laughed my butt off when I saw “Obama” on the music video! Irrefutable proof there, my friends.

  11. Olala says:

    How much longer until this website bombs from utter wackness?

  12. Ian Fortey says:
    We have an anti-wackness widget.
  13. Grow up says:

    Grow up,
    You are absolutely ridiculous. You should spend less time trolling conservatives, and more time understanding differences in thought. I’m a republican, yet I don’t inherently believe that democrats are evil or corrupt. You need to grow up kid, your ignorance is showing.

  14. Olala says:

    It must be on the fritz because that shit was wack, but I read it so I guess you win. Canadian Bastard!

  15. Tim says:

    Nice article. It’s frightening how many crazy bastards are out there. Though, the FOX News programmers have to be happy about that.

  16. Ian Fortey says:
    Not like we made anything up though.  This was real world wackness that we just clustered together.
  17. Anonymous25 says:

    Don’t forget that Obama is the son of Malcolm X.

  18. sex-pun guy says:

    that conservative-concentration camp actually sounds like a pretty good idea

  19. Skinwalker says:

    So AZ is intolerant for enforcing an already-existing federal law that the federal government fails to enforce?

    Way to have your head up your ass.

  20. a conservative says:

    my conservative brethren and I are stupid uneducated morons

  21. Renee Likealizardonawindowpane says:

    He reads all the comments, except this one.

  22. Ian Fortey says:
    That was a reference to the Arizona immigration law which, yes, I’d argue is intolerant.
  23. Ian Fortey says:

    Other than a comment I made down here, I didn’t actually criticize conservatives en masse in this article at all. I didn’t criticize the right in any way either, unless you feel like a pair of dudes spreading gay rumors, FOX news, Glenn Beck, North Korea and fans of Tag Team represent the whole of the American right.

    It’s funny though that when anyone makes fun of FOX, it’s read as a criticize of the right as a group, when there’s no way the majority of Republicans can be that stupid. They really can’t, the whole country would have fallen apart years ago if they were. A person who supports social and fiscal conservatism does not need to be an alarmist, Bible-toting retard who hates foreigners and assumes the President sympathizes with terrorists and may, in fact, be one himself. That’s preposterous. The people who believe that about Obama, however, are the strength of the smart conservatives, because they’re the retarded army, the infantry you send in as cannon fodder to distract from what the people who aren’t idiots are doing.

    If you think Obama is a Muslim, or he isn”t really a US citizen, or he supports terrorism, you’re being played by the Republican party, you don’t represent them. They use you to make Democrats angry, so Democrats can wage war against the stupid as shit things you say while they get their own shit done quickly and efficiently in the background. And that, oddly, is why Republicans are consistently smarter, as a group, than Democrats. They know how to play idiots.

  24. Atheist says:

    I think you deserve a gold medal Ian. Well put.

    or if not a medal at least a little gold star sticker

    *
    ** **
    * *

  25. Anonymous2 says:

    ian is a fuck tard

  26. Ian Fortey says:
    derp?
  27. Renee Likealizardonawindowpane says:

    I don’t think you’re a fuck tard, I think you’re pretty cool.

  28. Jimmy Hugeballs says:

    That first picture of Obama makes him look like Terry Schiavo.

  29. the Dude says:

    if only #5 was true :3

  30. iConstitution says:

    Read the Constitution, douche leroux. The government or police cannot accost citizens and demand to see their “papers” or give citizenship tests, even if they are brown and therefore “suspicious”, probably “not Americans”, certainly “not Real Americans” (copyright Sarah Palin, 2008), and quite possibly “secret muslims from Mexico who are here to have terror babies”.

  31. NFL Players says:

    #3 He licks Ian Fortey’s balls nightly.

  32. skippy mcphiff says:

    The most insane rumor about obama is that he’s qualified to be president

  33. Yeah says:

    Wow this taco is soft!

  34. Ian Fortey says:
    You sure?  Check with your mom, she told us she was raw for a few days.
  35. Yeah says:

    yeah, it’s not obvious how closely you’ve been paying attention to this article’s comments.

    Nervous?

  36. TBB says:

    typical democrats.

  37. blowjay says:

    what the fuck?

  38. Ian Fortey says:
    Yes, we made all these rumors up.  And the links that go with them to the stories that support what we wrote.  Very sly, crafty readers.  Very sly.
  39. Ian Fortey says:
    I read all comments, i just reply to the special ones.  I’m nervous about salmonella.
  40. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    Cook them eggs, beeyotch.