The 6 Most Potentially Filthy Super Heroes

Many super heroes were created in a golden age of innocence and fancy ideals that said a person who screamed “flame on!” only did so towards the end of helping those in need and not to let others in the men’s room know it was there turn in the stall. As time went on, so too did heroes evolve, but still, every so often, there’s that unintentionally awful aspect to some heroes that can only be brought out by the most immature of minds of fans. Like ours.

Plastic Man

Perhaps the world’s most easily identifiable perv-in-waiting hero, Plastic Man is a dude who can stretch every inch of his body. And while you could make the argument that Reed Richards of the Fantasic Four would fit in here just as well, remember that Reed Richards does not wear the sexual predator glasses or have the haircut that screams “donkey punch coming your way.”

In addition to being able to stretch his limbs and assorted other bits, Plastic Man can also increase or decrease his size at will. He can be as tall as a building if he so chooses and, from that size, could presumably hurl his wang around the entire planet.

While undoubtedly it took a week or so after he was created for someone to wonder if he ever lassoed a chick with his shlong, it’s a stigma the character has been saddled with ever since and one that will never, ever go away.

Flash

One of the icons of the DC universe, the Flash is a dude who runs really fast. Science says he’d die in no time from any number of related problems, not the least of which would be the stress on his body or the immense energy required to sustain his abilities, but we’re not here to talk science, we’re here to talk how wicked awesome the Flash would be in a porno. He’d have to change his name to Jack Hammer or something like that, but you get the idea.

Way back when it seemed like a brilliant idea that a hero exist who could move faster than a bullet. Then came the day when someone wondered, if he can use his hands and feet that fast, what about his groin? Could the Flash bang someone into a coma? Would any woman short of Wonder Woman be able to withstand the friction? These questions plague us.

Bouncing Boy

One of the underappreciated members of the Legion of Super Heroes, due to his intense lameness, the Bouncing Boy does have one thing going for his these days, and it’s all thanks to Pilates and sex toys. Some years ago, after some industrious person invented the giant, rubber exercise ball that somehow makes you fit by bouncing on it, another industrious person put a rubber weiner on it and called it a sex toy. And, unbeknownst to them, they basically made a real life model of Bouncing Boy, finally giving this third string loser a purpose.

Absorbing Man

Most non-fans will recognize Absorbing Man as the crappy villain from the crappy Hulk movie that Ang Lee made a few years back. Sorta. His power is the ability to absorb and become anything he touches – solid, liquid, gas, even energy. And that, in turn, means he could totally become wang. He could be wanking it and actually just become one giant wang man. Alternately, he could be going to town on a special lady and become Vag-Man. If that’s not a power, I don’t know what is.

Big Bertha

If you’re going to go for a career in porn, as most superheroes should, then Big Bertha would arguably be the most successful of them all thanks to her niche appeal. She works as a fashion model and is hot, except when she becomes exceptionally obese because obesity is a power some writer thought a model could benefit from. Regardless of the motivation, BBW fans would be thrilled. And in order to change from obese to slim again, she simply vomits up the extra fat, a surefire way to garner some Japanese fans.

Forge

The X-Men’s resident handyman and one of their most underappreciated members, Forge has an intuitive mechanical ability. It sounds lame when you say it like that, but in a nutshell, Forge can conceive and build just about anything. That, in turn, means Forge has the ability to completely revolutionize the sex toy industry in ways you can’t even imagine. Superhuman, X-men ways. It’s not outside the realm of possibility to assume Forge could make a sex robot that looks like Scarlett Johansson and constantly mixes drinks and makes sandwiches.