Were you aware that ABBA is in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame? Indeed. Also the Eagles, Genesis, Jefferson Airplane, John Mellencamp and Metallica. This year, nominees include Guns n Roses and Donovan. Past nominees have included J Giles Band and LL Cool J. That is one rockin’ hall of fame!
Judging from the list of inductees, we have no way of guessing what qualifies anyone to either be nominated or get inducted into the hall of fame. The only requirement seems to be that your first album came out 25 years ago, and that means there’s plenty of bands that will get their due one of these days if only we’re patient enough. But who can hold a candle to Jefferson Airplane or J Giles when KISS isn’t even in the hall? Who can live up to the legacy of Guns n Roses when more people have quit that band in the last decade than have seen the band in concert in the same time period? We’re forced to guess.
Wham! – Albums Sold: 30 million
The first non-Asian pop band to play China, Wham! brought together the talents of George Michael and the guy who wasn’t George Michael. Their many classic songs include Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go and maybe a Christmas song or something. If you’re a fan, you can probably name more. However, if you’re a fan, you may not appreciate the rest of this entry.
Poor record sales of their album “Songs to Bugger a Stranger in a Public Restroom By” lead to the band’s demise, but from 1982 to 1986, George and Not-George convinced many a teenage girl that not only were they straight as arrows, but that they sang music that wouldn’t be later popularized again by Fred Durst.
Limp Bizkit – Albums Sold: 33 million
Most notable for covering George Michael’s Faith, Limp Bizkit was the rap/rock/godawful noise project of balding frontman Fred Durst, who has since gone on to find fame being made fun of for being Fred Durst. The band’s signature sound, audio-poo, was exemplified by their “original” hit Nookie, a song that’s most clever lyric is She put my tender heart in a blender/And still I surrendered which they lifted wholesale from the band Eve 6, who were 15 or so when they wrote it.
Bizkit went on to name albums after assholes (literal ones, not people) and release numerous singles that apparently a lot of people are listening to and paying for because they still make albums to this very day.
Nickelback – Albums sold: 27 million
Jesus. Alright. Nickelback was designed in the mid 90’s by CSIS, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. Much more low profile than the American CIA, CSIS is Canada’s national intelligence agency and is directly responsible for matters of National Security. And those who would doubt the diabolical power of CSIS need only look to Chad Kroeger and his band who were formed solely in spiteful response to Canada’s international reputation as a nation of polite, pleasant individuals.
Responsible for such hits as Photograph and that piece of shit song from Spiderman, Nickelback is a critical darling, with many reviews of their music pointing out how every song they sing is the same as every other song, and how they only manage to ever cover about 4 different subjects because apparently their brains don’t work so goodly no more.
Black Eyed Peas – Albums Sold: 47 million
Consisting of Willian, Apple, Tad and Fergie, the Black Eyed Peas write songs for use in commercials and Mini Pops albums, as well as live sporting events and fever dreams. Like eating a whole can of low quality Serrano chilis, the music of BEP will eventually cause your o-ring to twitch frantically as many of your autonomic functions go cray cray 28 Days Later style.
Known for such meaningful hits as My Humps and Let’s Get Retarded the band has consistently gotten retarded on a regular basis since they formed.
Miley Cyrus – Albums Sold: 20 million
Mily Cyrus is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, the man who may have actually invented the mullet. Shortly after birth, Miley was sold to Disney and she was reared in one of their custom built Pop Star Biomes where she was sustained on a nutrient suppository and direct brain stimulation by Wilson Phillips and Tiffany with the only noticeable side effects being a speech impediment most often mistaken for a Southern accent and the development of an alternate personality which Disney exploited as a plot point of the show Hannah Montana.
Appealing to slow and chronically malnourished youths, Cyrus is most well known for her songs that one thing and that other one someone remixed with Biggie Smalls. She’s also well regarded for her desperation in “leaking” scandalous photos and trying ever so hard to be controversial while never actually doing anything of note.
Riskay – Albums Sold: 8