Bartenders of the world come from three schools. Those who care about customers, those who don’t and those who hate them. The hateful ones are the ones that make up disgusting shots for others to try to fight their way through and no one knows why they partake of them at all. Just because you can mix two arguably drinkable substances together doesn’t mean you should or that the resulting mixture isn’t toxic. But here we are. I literally tried four of these before I gave up and decided to just write about how I imagine the rest would be.
Hot Mexican Hooker
What it is: Tequila +Tabasco + Tuna Juice
What it tastes like: Shit, I guess. Hot, fishy shit. This was the first drink I mixed because I liked the name and it seemed vaguely taco themed. The tequila was warm as was the tuna, I don’t know if that makes it better or worse overall. Tequila, as you know, is the devil’s vomit so when you feel the need to include hot sauce and some salty water that fish has been steeping in for a while, you’re not making anything better for yourself. It’s worth noting I kept this down despite my stomach’s insistence that it come back up.
What it is: Baileys + Lime Juice
What it tastes like: This entry comes with an asterisk as, to be totally honest, I think this is a decent tasting drink. I like lime though, and it was a bit sour because I overlimed the sucker, but overall it wasn’t bad in theory. However, the selling point of this drink is that the Bailey’s curdles in the lime juice so it’s like drinking yogurt and, if you try to do that after drinking a tequila and fish shot, your insides just start to betray you like you wouldn’t believe. I could literally hear my stomach gurgling as soon as it went down, and I began to lament that this article was going nowhere good.
What it is: Beer+milk
What it tastes like: Bad. That’s the best way to describe the taste of this. Yes it curdles, but unlike the cement mixer which, if you can get past the texture, still has kind of a pleasant taste, this was just shit on a shingle. It’s a simple formula but one that should never have been made at all. It’s vile and I assume no matter what beer you use it will always be vile.
What it is: Gin+salt+pepper+raw egg
What it tastes like: Salty, thick gin. I don’t like gin at the best of times, it’s not a really nice sipping beverage or anything. If you put an egg into it which, I know from history, I can’t really drink even by itself, you’re in a bad place. Which is to say I promptly vomited after drinking this and then I shut the whole experiment portion of this article down. Which is good because I did not have the ingredients for the next drink, nor would I have tried it if I did.
What it is: Apple-infused horse semen
What I imagine it tastes like: I don’t imagine this. It was in the news a while back, I think it’s an Australian thing, and it sounds just ridiculous. Why are you drinking horse spooge? In what world is such a thing ever necessary? Because you’re gross? Awesome, good for you.
Irish Car Bomb
What it is: Guinness+Bailey’s+Whiskey
What I imagine it tastes like: Some people really love Guinness but it’s never really been my thing. It’s not the worst but it’s not super awesome, either. But if you toss some Bailey’s and whiskey into the mix just forget it, it probably tastes like the underside of an Irish toilet.