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6 People Who are Somehow Still Alive

This past weekend Amy Winehouse died and ever since the internet has been abuzz with crass jokes and condolences.  Holy Taco gave Ms. Winehouse more than her fair share of press time over the years and it wouldn’t be right to see her off without a commemorative article that celebrates the lives of 6 other people we’re kind of surprised are still alive when all signs seem to indicate they should have passed on literally dozens of times already.

Keith Richards

No story that poses the question “how is this guy not dead?” is complete without reference to Rolling Stone fossil Keith Richards.  Keith Richards is literally so old they don’t have ways to calculate it thanks to his amazing recipe for compound aging which includes standard temporal aging mixed with chemical aging and the result of several probably demonic bargains.  At this point you’d do best to measure Richard’s life in epochs.

Keith has been charged with drug offences at least 5 times, the first time back in 1967.  That’s over 40 years of heroin and god knows what else fueling a dimly burning fire.  In 2006, Richards fell out of a tree and had to have skull surgery because that’s literally the funniest thing that could have happened to him.  But he survived.  Then he admitted that he snorted his father’s ashes along with some cocaine.  Later he said it was a joke.  Possibly after snorting the ashes of George Carlin.

 

A million other musicians fell to their drug use at an early age but Richards, who apparently only smokes weed now, is apparently made of methadone and would likely survive exposure to radiation, gunfire and zombie outbreaks as he undead refuse to bite their own kind.

 

Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney is literally old as shit.  That shit that has the weird white crust on it and you’re almost convinced you could pick it up with your bare hand and it would feel just like a stale croissant and probably be totally devoid of bacteria as virtual eons of sun exposure had sterilized it into a desiccated wafer of poo dust that only holds it shape through some fluke of physics.  But you never take the final step to actually touch it lest that white stuff isn’t crust but is actually mayo or some other damn thing left there by a deranged hobo.

 

Aside from being of the few humans to be measured using the words half-life, Rooney also served in the military during WWII and even flew in the first American bombing raid over Germany, courting death at every turn.

 

After becoming a full time journalist Rooney went on to spend the next 60 years making cranky, old man statements about topics like race, suicide and homosexuality that required him to apologize the next time he was in front of an audience and never once has anyone pushed him in front of a bus.

 

Gary Busey

Gary Busey has snorted cocaine off of a dog and also bashed his brain in after a serious motorcycle crash.  Doctors believed he suffered some fairly extensive brain damage as a result.  This didn’t stop Busey from making 10 movies per year after that, each role more preposterous than the last, as well as showing up on a handful of reality TV shows that, with or without his knowledge, exploited his complete and total insanity.  Yay Busey!

 

In case you glossed over the first sentence there, Busey did admit to once snorting his dog clean of cocaine after dropping some on the little beast by accident.  In 1995, he was charged with possession after he overdosed on cocaine and GHB and nearly died.  In 1997, Busey had a cancerous tumor removed from his sinus cavity and apparently once fell asleep behind the wheel in New Mexico and woke up as the car was flipping end over end off the highway at 85mph.  The only logical explanation for Busey not being dead right now is no afterlife man is aware of is equipped to handle him right now.

 

Charlie Sheen

If you’ve heard of Charlie Sheen since around the time Young Guns came out, you’re probably a little surprised that he still draws breath.  At the beginning of 2011, word was he had spent a half million dollars in the previous 6 months on hookers and drugs.  $500,000 worth of hooker ass and blow could probably kill most of Sri Lanka.  Not to be outdone, he apparently dropped $26k in a single weekend in January that also included three porn stars.

 

In 1998, stealing a page from Busey’s book, Sheen overdosed on cocaine after giving the injection method a spin for a change of pace.  During the filming of the movie Platoon, Sheen was nearly thrown from a helicopter but badass actor Keith David realized the world needed more Sheen hilarity and grabbed his arm at the last second, pulling him back into the helicopter.  On set of the movie No Man’s Land a prop exploded in his face and sliced open his chin.  Oh, and it’s entirely possible that Sheen’s blood is permanently a 50/50 mix of cocaine and hemoglobin these days.

 

Ozzy Osbourne

If you wonder how Ozzy Osbourne has survived all these years you are not alone, the man himself has expressed some wonderment on the issue.  In 1979, after leaving Black Sabbath, Ozzy celebrated his firing by spending every day for three months locked in a hotel room getting wasted.  Later in life he got wasted enough while n tour with Motley Crue to snort a line of ants.  All told he’s admitted to abusing more than his fair share of alcohol, cocaine, pain killers, sleeping pills, LSD, roofies and God knows what else.

 

Aside from intense drug abuse, Osbourne, like Gary Busey, managed to get into a wicked ATV accident that broke his neck.  He also suffers a genetic condition called Parkin Syndrome, similar to Parkinsons, that requires him to take medication every day to manage it.  All of this has turned him into a bit of a living cartoon, but the living part is what matters here.

 

 

Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking is one of the smartest men on earth, but he also has Lou Gehrig’s disease.  What’s a man to do?  The answer is, apparently, tell Lou Gehrig to suck it.  Most people diagnosed with the disease enjoy a lifespan of about 5 years after the onset of symptoms.  10 – 20% will survive to see the 10 year mark.  Hawking has had the disease since he was 21.  He’s 69 right now.  The longest anyone else has ever lived with this condition was 39 years.  That happened once, to one other guy.  Hawking has nearly a decade on him.

 

Most people with ALS die because of respiratory failure.  In an effort to make a further mockery of the disease, Hawking contracted pneumonia in 1985, proving he was so smart his lungs could go and suck it, too.  In 2009, after his lungs got cocky again, Hawking experienced another dangerous chest infection.  Was it all a ruse just to get to the hospital and bang nurses?  Probably not, I don’t think he can bang anyone.  So it was just Hawking once again poking death in the eye in a very metaphorical way since, as we established, he can’t do much poking.

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