Reality TV is preposterous. It’s never been real, it’s clearly not going away and it just mocks us all the time. Mocks our apathy, mocks out stupidity, mocks the way we just won’t turn it off. And even if you do turn it off, and I turn it off, 1,000 idiots will be watching and live tweeting how much they love it with all the finesse of loquacious apes. But for all the thousands of awful reality shows that have been introduced to us there are a number of great ideas no one has explored yet. Until right now!
Fight Your Boss
The concept is as simple as the name. You find an employer and employee willing to throw down in the octagon. No pussy fights here, no safety gear or boxing gloves or BS like that. It’s just two dudes kicking a mudhole in each other because they work together and just aren’t happy about it.
Red Carpet Rejects
A competition based game, each week two average people are sent to a red carpet event being covered by the entertainment news media with the express purpose of making at least one entertainment news reporter cry. Physical harm is not allowed, the only weapons that may be used include props and questions devised to plumb the depths of sadness one has to be saddled with when their life is nothing but asking questions about who designed the clothing of celebrities and pretending to actually like or respect a shit bird like Chris Brown.
Sell Me Some BS
The ultimate talent competition in which regular people from all over the country audition to be given a chance to not really be famous because who are we kidding? What you win is the show and then 99 times out of 100 you get nothing afterwards because
no one cares and we all know it. So cutting the pretense of shows like American Idol, Sell me Some BS promises to market you for as long as they are contractually obligated which will be about as long as the public cares who you are (about 3 months), after whic
h you can return to the KFC you came from.
A team of exceptionally ignorant survivalists, pop culture junkies and paranoids are brought to an island under the guise of being on a Survivor knock off when a zombie outbreak occurs. The production staff and host have to keep the team convinced that the dead are rising and they are fighting to stay alive. A series of challenges will seek to separate and “kill” the losers, who will just be taken off the show and sent home feeling rather stupid for believing zombies are real because they’re not, dopes.
Cook Me Shit
No one wants to see a guy who owns a restaurant cooking a meal that has to include chestnuts, duck and vodka against another chef who owns a restaurant. If you own a restaurant, you know how to cook, no one is impressed when you do your job. Cook Me Shit pits people who have never cooked shit against one another in a competition to cook some shit. They’re given one hour and a menu and they have to go to town, no more rules beyond that and in the end they make a meal for themselves, their competitors and the judges. If everyone eats it and guesses what it is, you’re a winner.
Celebrity Bone Zone
No reality show featuring celebrities has ever included celebrities. Ex-celebrities? Maybe. Washed up one hit wonders? Often. People you’ve never heard of? Always. Rather than continue to pretend these people are important and we’re interested in seeing how they cook, or solve clues, or survive in the wilds of Maine, let’s just see if anyone actually gives a shit about them as the inclusion of the word “celebrity” in the name leads us to believe we’re supposed to. The entire cast, every episode, are sent to a nightclub with the express purpose of picking up as much as they can. If they are celebrities, they can get laid. If not, they get sent home, week after week, until only one remains as King or Queen of the celebrity Bone Zone.