This is a guest article by Paul K Pickett, who removed his junk on a dare last year. Sorry, dude.
Every day, worldwide, thousands of penis jokes are made. Every second, you can count on at least one guy, somewhere, placing an object of some length (e.g. hockey stick, parking cone) between his legs to thrust it into the air for the purposes of humour. A dick is an instrument of comedy as much as it is for sex. And both of these things are what are most important to a man. So what could make him give it up? The reasons would have to be pretty damn amazing, wouldn’t they? Well…
Why God? Why? Throughout history, eunuchs were regarded as the best of servants. Whether it be for guarding your harem or doing odd jobs for your wife, the eunuch could be counted on to not bang any of them. Or even if they did, no usurping bastards would come of it at least.
The Chinese Emperors, in particular, relied heavily on eunuchs to run the country. As many as 70,000 dongless men, in the Ming dynasty, did everything from overseeing workshops to leading armies. Eunuchs could enjoy an immense amount of influence, their station in life surpassing anything they could’ve known before they had their genitals chopped off.
The Horror: All they had to do was risk their life on a chair with a hole in the seat. To fill the emperor’s need for eunuchs, castration clinics were opened everywhere. Naked, volunteers would sit on the chair, allowing their testicles and shaft to hang through the hole. At this point, the “knifer” would ask if the dude would ever regret having his junk slashed off while two guys held him down. If the answer was, “Nah, of course not, who would ever regret such a thing?”, then the deed was done quickly. In Chinese eunuch making, the whole wang and balls are taken. To add to the horror, a metal plug was stuck in whatever hole was left in the body afterward. Three days without drinking and pissing later and the metal plug was removed. If urine fell out, they congratulated the new eunuch. If nothing, they gave their condolences and asked that you go somewhere else to die. They didn’t want your agonized screams bothering other customers.
Proof of Loyalty
Why God? Why? Not all who worked for the emperors were eunuchs. Many were soldiers with manhood completely intact. One prominent general, named Gang Bing, ran into a big problem, however, because of his dong. His friend, the Emperor Yongle, left the whole palace in Gang Bing’s hands. This pissed off the ass kissing, power grubbing eunuchs so much they resolved to screw over the “favourite” over by accusing him of messing with the harem. Overhearing their plan, Gang Bing realized he was about to be screwed by his own dick…unless some drastic shit went down to stop it.
Chinese Proverb: To cut one’s own balls off, one must grow some first
The Horror: The night before the emperor left the palace, Gang Bing took a knife and got to work cutting off his unit. There’s no source to say how he handled the deed, but we think it went something like, “Oh f*cking hell! Ass balls shit hell cockjuggler!” Detached bits were secretly placed under Yongle’s saddle.
The emperor went on his trip and returned. As suspected, accusations were made by the eunuchs. Gang Bing, as smug as could be without genitalia, pointed to the saddle. Yongle produced the shrivelled dong and balls from the bag. Instead of instantly vomiting for the rest of eternity, he was impressed, and promoted Gang Bing to chief eunuch. And all he had to do was chop his baloney pony off with a knife, on his own. No big deal.
Carry A Better Tune
Why God? Why? During the renaissance, women were forbidden to sing in church, so choirs relied on talented and effeminate boys to hit the high notes. Boys, however, grow up and their angelic voices turn into hoarse and perverse croaking. Churches, if they wanted to keep packing in the pews, needed a more permanent solution. At this point, we can presume some sick bastard snapped his fingers and thought, “What if we chop their junk off?”
And it worked far better than any could’ve expected. Apparently, having your danglers removed not only preserves flexible child-like vocal chords, but also elongates bone growth in a peculiar, yet beneficial, way for singers. Particularly, the rib cages of the castrato, as they grew, became wider, giving them an immense lung capacity that not even female singers could hope to achieve. A dark, terrible, disgusting, painful tradition, that everybody loved, was born.
The Horror: To make a castrato, physicians fed boys immense doses of narcotics, like opium, which often killed the patient. Or they kept pressure on the carotid artery to render the pre-castrato unconscious, which often killed the patient. Seeing the pattern here? Eventually, someone important did too, and a law against castration was put into effect by the late 1800s, around the same time general anaesthesia was invented.
Join A Cult
Why God? Why? In myth, the goddess Cybele makes her son Attis go mad, tear off his genitals, and die; he had the balls (prior to tearing them off) to cheat on her. Yeah. They were lovers. This one has bonus grossness.
Followers of Cybele emulated her son (a kind of rebirth we suppose). The cult, however, didn’t require members to lose their balls before entering, at least not in the Roman version. A bull’s testicles, which are probably bigger anyway, were perfectly acceptable. That is, they were if you were a complete pussy. The most hardcore of members, the Galli, proved their devotion by really imitating Attis.
The Horror: As with any ancient histories, details are sketchy at best. Pain killers, naturally, would’ve been mass quantities of alcohol, opiates, and maybe some hallucinogenic plants. So members would then lie down on a table while a doctor worked meticulously to free the genitalia, right? You couldn’t be further from the horrifying truth. On March 24, the aptly named Day of Blood occurred, a festival that was probably crazier than any party you’ve ever been to, unless you’ve been to a party where you got really drunk and then sliced or maybe tore your testicles off. Shit.
This but he pulls his dick off instead of a tooth.
Deter A Stalker
Why God? Why? In 1997, Earl Zea told police that his penis had been severed while he slept by an unknown assailant. When questioned further, however, Earl admitted, sadly, that he’d actually done it himself. He thought it might deter a male stalker by the name of Ronnie Fountain. According to Earl, he wanted nothing to do with Ronnie. Yet, the two of them later appeared on an episode of Jerry Springer together, aptly named I Cut Off My Manhood. You can buy the video still.
The Horror: In every other entry on this list, the lack of proper pain medication and anaesthesia contributed to massive quantities of pain and a better than fair chance of death. Plenty of pain control methods were available to Earl. Hell, he probably could’ve found a surgeon that would’ve been willing to do it.
And we’d like to be able to tell you he went with this route, but…
Earl got some garden sheers.
He got some ice and went into his bathroom. In the police report, Earl writes he “must have psyched” himself up for it, and that he didn’t really feel any pain. Severed penis in hand, Earl tossed it into the toilet and flushed, never to see his member again. Then he drove himself to the hospital, which leads us to believe that he was possibly not drunk when he “trimmed the cactus”, which further leads us to cringe and shift in our chairs.
Why God? Why? In 2001, two men exchanged messages through the dark humour website, The Cannibal Café. Hilariously, a real cannibal posted a message requesting a young male to be willingly killed and consumed (not necessarily in that order). Several people, thinking it was a joke, responded. Like the cannibal, however, the message was legit, and all but one of the original responders dropped out. Bernd Jurgen Brandes was that one man and boy, did he really want someone to eat him.
The Horror: Meiwes and Brandes eventually met for dinner, and by dinner we mean, they sat down to Brandes’ severed penis. Their attempts to eat it raw didn’t work out, so Meiwes attempted to cook it up, using garlic and pepper for some seasoning. However, this didn’t work either as the dong simply burned in the pan; an experienced cannibal probably would’ve known this. Frustrated, the remains were fed to the dog.
Yeah, here’s about the point where we simply can’t write anymore about these fucked up guys. We’ll just add that Brandes wound up dead, by Meiwes’ hand, and Meiwes landed himself in jail, where he’ll hopefully stay forever and ever.
Now let’s all take five and forget this article ever happened.