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6 Things Your Girlfriend Lies To You About

A Guest Article by Nicole Crakes, who is a girl.
 
Girlfriends love you. We love you even though you think it’s hilarious to fart under the blankets, and say "she’s on the rag" to your friends whenever we’re pissed off at you. We even love you despite the fact that you think a "fun night out" consists of Arby’s Beef and Cheddars and a 10 o’clock showing of Nightmare on Elm Street, where you whisper, "Babe, do you think there’s gonna be tits in this one?" Since we put up with all of your shit all the time, you should forgive us for telling these teeny-weeny little lies every once in a while:
 
We Actually Understand Football

 
The Lie: "Baby, how many points do they get when they score a homerun?"
 
The Truth: "It’s football, not rocket science. Tim Tebow understands the game, and he still draws on his face. I’m asking you to explain it for two reasons: to make you feel important, and to waste your time because you made fun of
American Idol the other night while I was watching it."
 
We F*cking HATE Your Favorite T-Shirt

 
The Lie: "Aw, it’s so cute that you still have your high school JV football team practice t-shirt, and that the sweat stains are actually the majority of the color now, and that sometimes you accidentally put your arm through the third hole on the back of the collar. It’s endearing, and I love that you don’t care how you look in public."
 
The Truth: "Sweet merciful God, please strike my boyfriend with lightning just to burn that shirt into a sweat-stained pile of ashes." 
 
You’re NOT The Best We’ve Ever Had
 

The Lie: "Oh, yes! YES! This awkward thrusting and your sweat dripping on my face (or lower back) is totally turning me on.  More! MORE! OH, YES!!!
 
The Truth: "I’m thinking about that one time in college after I went to that bon fire and drank a whole bottle of tequila by myself. What was that guy’s name? Larry? LeBron? I don’t know. Get off of me, will you?"

We’re NOT Cool With You Bailing On Our Dinner Plans to Hang Out With Your Friends

 
The Lie: "Sure, that’s fine! Have fun!"
 
The Truth: "Say goodbye to my vagina, Mr. Popular."
 
We Think Most of Your Friends are Borderline Retarded

 
The Lie: "All your friends are so cool! And totally funny, too. I love Jared, your friend who never showers, and Jerum, the one who brings his stupid guitar everywhere, and Jareth, who uses the word "epic" every thirty seconds. But obviously my favorite is your one college buddy who gets pants-shittingly drunk every time he comes to town and feels me up. He’s the best!"

The Truth: Your friends are like you, except they don’t let me boss them around, which makes them completely unbearable.
 
We’re Actually NOT "A Guy’s Girl"


The Lie: "Fancy dinners? Yuck! Surprise flower boquets? That’s for pussies. I’m a Guy’s Girl. I like sports and video games and pointing out other hot girls on the street because that’s what Guy’s Girls do."
 
The Truth: "Sure, I might wear jeans more than dresses, but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect you to be a gentleman. Also, just because we don’t think monthly anniversaries are necessary, that doesn’t mean we count 12 beers and a Street Fighter match at Dave & Buster’s as "a date". I might think the occasional fart is funny, but that is NOT an invitation for you to take a picture of your huge shit and set it as my desktop image…now please tell me how to change that picture, because I have to use this computer for school."
 
 
You can read more of Nicole’s stuff here: OnlineBootyCall.
 

44 Responses to "6 Things Your Girlfriend Lies To You About"

  1. some broad says:

    12 beers and a Street Fighter match at Dave & Buster’s sounds pretty fucking great, actually.

    My boyfriend and I went there for our 2 year anniversary. We didn’t play Street Fighter though, I had a House of the Dead thing going on at the time.

  2. orifice jerq says:

    Sounds like Nicole Crakes needs a real man.

  3. orifice jerq says:

    did you let your boyfriend touch your penis yet?

  4. Anonymoussss says:

    I’m with Mr. Anonymous

  5. Phil Jones© says:

    I’m pretty sure i saw this on Spike or an issue of Complex. It seems washed up. I think HT is running out of material. Then again the Truths will set people free. Fags!

  6. Stick says:

    Ditto, sounds great.

  7. N00b says:

    It seems like everyone who reads Holy Taco hates it. As a fellow webmaster, I think you’d be better off without comments section. It would be better for new users to see no comments rather than 30 comments talking about how much they hate your site. I know it’s democratic to let people have their say or whatever but at this point it’s just hurting you guys.

  8. 00kla the M0k says:

    You’re soaking in it.

  9. Tiny Dickman says:

    Well then he’ll also come across as a Nazi along with “douche” “fag” “dipshit” and a thousand other negative words

  10. Al says:

    This Justin guy has a rage management issue… sheesh.
    Can’t you take a bit of criticism?

  11. pratik says:

    Lucky mooks!!! I wish I had a girlfriend…

  12. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    It’s simple guys:

    Hit it and quit it.

  13. bruce says:

    I don’t know if this counts, since she is my wife, but she knows how many points a safety is. She knows the difference between a flea-flicker and the Statue of Liberty. Her favorite player on the Phils in Jimmy Rollins, mostly because of his defense and his “speedy legs” around the bases (I’m a Howard guy). She can tell you what a double switch is in the National League. She thinks the DH is stupid. She hates hockey and basketball, and is not afraid to say it. She knows the players on the Philly Eagles and Penn State’s Nittany Lions every year (she grew up there, I went there).

    She hated my favorite shirt so much she sewed up the dozen or so holes and rips in it. And then hid it from me for 18 months.

    Best? She said she was a virgin when we met, and considering her strong religious beliefs, I’m inclined to believe her. She had no problem telling me about the various monster sausages she has slobbered, however. So, I guess that kind of counts.

    I didn’t bail, but was an hour late to a dinner with her family. I stil hear about it.

    My best 3 friends have 7 college/graduate degrees, 3 wives, and 4 kids between them. (No not all together, pervert!) So I think we can skip this one.

    Fancy dinners- only if I make it. She considers fancy restaurants good for occasions. Otherwise, the steak house or Olive Garden. Flowers- only as a surprise, never as an apology. And she likes it when I open the car door for her. This can often lead to a later “I’m tired, me lay my head on your lap.” Shortly followed by me screeching into the nearest parking spot.

    What can I say? I married a women way better than I deserve. (I do watch Vampire Diaries with her, though. That has to count for something.)

  14. H8er says:

    TL/DR

  15. The Truth says:

    Justin and his web obsession.

    The lie:

    “Oh, Justin, I think it’s cute you work so hard on the interwebs thingy”.

    The truth:

    She hates you, HT and all that you stand for. Oh, yeah, I’m also banging her while you’re at “work”.

  16. Lets Make Butt Babies says:

    I am all for transgender rights or whatever, but referring to HT’s “girlfriend” as a “she” is kind of misleading given that her shoulders are brooder than mine, she has male pattern baldness and her balls have enough hair to knit a sweater with.

    just saying.

  17. DonkeyXote says:

    Hey fuckwit! That’s my mom you’re talking about, and don’t think that I don’t know what you’re doing Justin!I know all about what you and my mom do FUCKWIT!

  18. Ghost says:

    Justin doesn’t want you talking to or about him. He hates you. Your mom hates you. Everyone hates you. Kill yourself.

  19. asdasdasd says:

    k. don’t say list of things gf’s lie to you about then PHRASE the actual thing in reverse. the way people will read it is “we lie about actually understanding football”

    the writer of this article is dumb. but this is to be expected given the domain (name).

    if we’re not the best you ever had, that implies a woman is NEVER dating a man who is the best she ever had.

    also this article implies that every guy is a jock. come on.

    who the fuck wrote this? holy christ. holy taco. hate this site. removing from my rss feeds.

  20. Anonymousery says:

    Yeah HolyTaco jokes on you asda doesn’t even have a gf!

  21. justin says:
    Try reading the article, not just the title and the headlines. Then it will make perfect sense because THERE ARE FUCKING SECTIONS UNDER EACH SUBTITLE THAT TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT THE LIE IS AND WHAT THE FUCKING TRUTH IS, you stupid illiterate cunt.
  22. H8er says:

    Wow Justin. You seem a little upset. It’s all in good fun, you’re reacting like asdasdasd is talking shit about your Mom or girlfriend….hey waitaminute….now I get it….

  23. Anonymos says:

    whoever made this site funny clearly isnt here anymore, its been at least six months since you had something that was funny and original. if it is humorous its usually because your copying your old stuff.

  24. Rambo says:

    Jesus fucking christ Holy Taco. Never let a female post on this site ever again. I don’t know if you’ve done it before and frankly I don’t care but honest to god that was the worst, shittiest, most unfunny piece of ass-fuckery I’ve seen on this site. Which isn’t saying much but it is a new low.

    Goddamn that was bad.

  25. marielll says:

    As soon as i saw the article was written by a woman, I knew some dickbag like you would leave a comment like that. no, it wasn’t a great article, fair enough, but i’m guessing that female has more balls and humour in one pubic hair than you do in the entire cum-infested life-size perineum that is your body. now go back to making sandwiches in which to fist sylvester stallone with.

  26. Holy Hell That Was Awful says:

    Alternate title for this would be “Every cliche joke about how women feel about men that you have been reading for the last 20 years”

  27. MrAnonymous says:

    TiTS OR GTFO WOMAN

  28. bro montana says:

    haahahahahaha

  29. giiii says:

    wow you are so right.

    and for godssake, quit WNBA!

  30. Al says:

    Yeah! TITS!!

  31. Mr. Crakes says:

    I thought that was amazing Nicole. Again, you hit the nail on the head, just like at home. I love you so much.

  32. Uncle Buck says:

    You commenters are all a bunch of idiots! This is the one time that a girl comes around holy taco and you faggots immediately start insulting her and chase her off. Don’t you understand? This is why girls never fuck you. When a girl comes around, be nice to her and then she’ll either fuck you or eventually tell you how to fuck other girls. No wonder you’re all pathetic virgins. Fuck off all of you. I didn’t even read this article and I loved it.

  33. P says:

    yes, because every woman in the world is a unique, stunningly intelligent princess and we should all listen to and praise everything she says or does, because it’s ALL good! All women are special and glorious and anyone who doesn’t notice this is a bitter, retarded virgin who has probably never even seen a real-life girl!

    this was absolute crap and unless the writer INTENDED to make all women look and sound like nagging, airheaded sluts, she did a really terrible job. I don’t come here for Cosmopolitan’s Repetitive Cliche Articles That Have Been Running for 20 Years about how men and women are like, totally like, different and how like, all women really don’t like this thing their boyfriend does, and like… all men are the same, which is cool, because so are all, like… women?

  34. 00kla the M0k says:

    Yeah, I come to this site to get laid. How stupid of me to be rude! I’m ruining my chances here.

  35. Uncle Buck says:

    @P This is the closest you’ve gotten to actually talking to a woman since your grandma raped you with a strap-on.

  36. P says:

    raped by my grandma with a strap-on. I’m not DonkeyXote jackass!

  37. RalphMalph says:

    Things we lie to our girlfriends about:

    - No, you don’t look fat
    - Sure I like your friends… [Truth: most of them are sycophantic whiny asses that do nothing but bitch about their men (which makes one wonder about their choices in life); but there's one friend we'd like to nail if we had the chance]
    - No, that’s alright, I don’t mind cleaning the truck all the time (even though you’re the one that treats it like shit and can’t find a fucking garbage can for all the shit you leave in it)
    - No, I don’t mind you switching between two movies on TV all the time (just turn it to the nearest game or car show already!)
    - No, I don’t mind if your mother visits
    - Oh sure, we can have your stuck-up, narcissistic arrogant niece’s party at our place
    - No, you don’t have too many shoes (Don’t bitch about the amount of tools I have then, because I’m the one that fixes everything around here)

  38. Also A Girl says:

    I am a girl. I am a writer/blogger/comedian. Guys, you are not being sexist. This article was not good. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and chance to do what they like to do, so i’ll give the girl props there. But to the girl who wrote this, it was totally uninspired, totally untrue, and totally a waste of everyone’s time, including your own. Come back with something more original and show us all who is boss!

  39. Fister says:

    Good point! Now I will show you who is boss. STFU and go make me a sandwich. You know why you don’t have a wrist watch? Because there is a clock on the stove!

  40. justin says:
    Submit an article and we’ll see if you make the cut.
  41. Tiny Dickman says:

    Shouldn’t be too hard, as long as it’s not funny at all, it will get on this shitty shiturd site, yeah

    The hateful comments are why I came back to this site, cause they are all making fun of you AHAHAHAHA! EAT ASS

  42. justin says:
    Then don’t come back anymore. Seriously: we won’t care at all. We won’t even notice you’re gone.
  43. Jeremiah says:

    Looks like Justin’s the one on the rag…

  44. Anonymos says:

    look holy taco i understand that being genuinely funny is probably one of the hardest things out there, im not trying to offend you. but seriously untwist your panties, and of course you wouldn’t miss me this is the internet were all a bunch of interchangeable non persons here.