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6 Threats to San Luis Obispo (Once They Destroy PedoBear)

pedobear

Internetters under 18, beware, Pedobear is loose in San Luis Obispo, California and he may not be quite as retarded as local law enforcement. If that’s the case, the town may be doomed to fall into a 4chanian fugue state of terror and mayhem. Because man, the cops in San Luis Obispo are some unpolished turds.

 

Over the weekend, the cops put out a press release warning about Pedobear and the danger he poses to children. It is now worldwide news. Not that Pedobear is a threat to kids, but that the police department n San Luis Obispo is so goddamn stupid they have no idea who or what Pedobear is. It’s possible they’re actually a bunch of comedy geniuses, but it seems an odd way to get laughs, for a police department.

Since papers all over the place are making fun of the cops, we’ll lay off on the Pedobear thing and instead see if we can go about improving their world and making their job easier. So with that in mind, San Luis Obispo police department, here are some other things you need to watch out for.

LOLCats

lolcats

They may seem innocuous or even cute, but with their substandard English skills and penchant for invisible butt sex, these kitties are corrupting youth faster than an oil company corrupting an ecosystem. You let just one slip by and by week’s end your child’s grasp of phonics has been shattered like a swan carved from ice tossed off a balcony and he’s running around town on invisible bikes and monorails waiting to sodomize strangers who they believe can’t even see them. Alone, unsupervised, and barely speaking English. LOLcats? More like EVOLCats.

All Your Base

all your base

This meme may seem hilarious (to someone) but there’s something far more sinister beneath the surface than just Engrish; hate crimes. While your kids will start by innocently quoting this forgettable game they have never and will never see a real copy of, by week’s end they’ll be circle booting Vietnamese kids after school and taking that one Cambodian kid who always has carrots in is lunch down to the creek to drown him.

Oolong

pancake bunny

Oh, look at that cute bunny with a pancake on its head, you might think. Sin-peddlers thought this was as well, knowing your naïve and gullible children would be suckered in like so many things that get sucked. And once the thrill of pancakes on the bunny’s head wear off, maybe it’ll be time to try to make him balance other things, like DVD players or meat mallets bearing the full brunt of your upper body strength and gravity. And maybe after a handful of smashed rabbits it’s time to move on to cats, dogs, horses and, ultimately, 2nd graders.

O RLY

o rly

This owl certainly seems pleased to be questioning what’s going on, and tat’s super. On the other hand, this owl is promoting anarchy, disrespect of authority and likely wholesale rioting of the sort usually reserved for maximum security Australian prisons.

Word has it the O RLY owl and his wide eyed disbelieve is now the mascot for militias and other para military organizations who continue to question the actions of law enforcement and government alike, resisting and mocking them at every turn with their cries of “Oh really? How about we stab you in the name of democracy then?”

Techno Viking

techno viking

White supremacy.

This is Sparta!

300

Just because this meme is as tired as a 22 year old Basset Hound doesn’t mean it’s still not out to get us all. While the film has a wholesome message of taking a small army to slaughter a much larger one and getting rid of genetically imperfect children before they can grow up and sell you out to the enemy for fruit, dancing girls and a gay hat, this meme has only one sinister purpose and it involves greasy, ripply abs and loin cloths. This is Sparta? No, this is a bathhouse and your children are going to be victimized by these aggressive Mediterranean homos if you’re not careful.

7 Responses to "6 Threats to San Luis Obispo (Once They Destroy PedoBear)"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    haha you funny fucks!

  2. WooHoo says:

    Well said Mule Man….key word there is fucks, funny’s in the mind of the beholder.

  3. k2 incense says:

    Watch out for pedobear! LOL

  4. Sun Dried Eyes says:

    Well done.

  5. sugarfoot says:

    meeeeeeeehhhhhh times 1000

  6. Anonymous IV says:

    so you guys don’t think Epic Beard Guy will leave Oakland to beat the shit out of the punks in San Luis Obispo?

  7. Ex-Californian says:

    MOTHER FUCKING HELL! Three fucking months after I move away, San Luis does something so fucking amazingly retarded and I’m not there to go taunt the police about it. FUCK! MOTHER FUCKERS!