6 Tips for Drunk Drivers

December 2nd, 2009 | 10:26 am

Getting behind the wheel of a car when you're wasted is one of the stupidest things you can do, but some people still do it. So when the cops pull them over, we are given a reality show that's better than all the Real World's, Tool Academy's and Fear Factor's combined. Here are a few important things to remember if your an idiot who drinks and drives, and then gets caught:

TIP #1: Don't Fall Down

Drunk Test - Watch more Funny Videos

If you're going down on the pavement, make sure you don't use your hands, arms or shoulders to soften the blow. Your head is a great way to break that fall.

TIP #2: Don't Drop Anything

drunk driver at police station - Watch more Funny Videos

Note to wasted idiots everywhere: If you drop your license, let the officer pick it up. But, if you do decide to pick it up, make sure your ass crack is showing and you make a nice sighing noise as your head goes through the nearby wall.

TIP #3: Always Know How To Scratch Your Nuts

This guy's nuts itch - Watch more Funny Videos

Congress should add an amendment to the breathalyzer law that states that if your nuts do indeed itch, then you will be entitled to postpone your breathalyzer until both of your nuts can be sufficiently scratched, either by law enforcement or your own free will. Until this amendment passes, though, you should practice scratching your nuts in any situation (i.e.-while handcuffed, while being pinned down by angry police officers, etc.).

TIP #4: Driving Anything While Drunk is Probably Illegal

Lawn Mower DUI - Watch more Funny Videos

Even if this redneck didn't think that driving a lawn mower while intoxicated was against the law, he probably would've been better off just taking a joy-walk instead of a joy-ride. Especially at what appears to be 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

TIP #5: Offer a Clear, Reasonable Explanation

This Man Is Drunk and he has a lot to say - Watch more Funny Videos

As you can see, if you're pulled over for something you clearly didn't do, just calmly scream into the camera and at the faces of the nearby police officers. They're bound to see their mistake and let you go on your way, especially if you're a minority.

TIP #6: Have a Basic Understanding of Dance

Funny DUI - Watch more Funny Videos

This is from Reno 911, so while this technically isn't "real," it's still "really funny" in the traditional sense. Regardless, you should have some solid dance moves in your back pocket. They're useful for many occasions.