Last year we ran an article covering the types of zombies we’d seen on AMC’s the Walking Dead so far. They were the typical lot of beasties that shuffle about and try to eat your face and they were cool for their time. But this is season two. The ante must be upped. The show has already established itself, it has a huge following and people are expecting great things. This is no time to crap out and gives us afro zombies who are really just guys in purple make up with a crook in their neck. Shit just got real. This is what we want to see in Walking Dead season two.
I can’t believe no one has thought of this before in the world of gimmick zombies. You might want to leap right to mounted police officer for zombie horse riding antics, but you need to remember Rick Grimes, the hero of Walking Dead, spent a chunk of season one on horseback. We’ve seen a mounted police officer. But no one has seen a zombie jockey on horseback, as far as I know.
Zombie animals get a bad rap in movies. If they include them at all, they’re like those poor bacon-wrapped dogs from the Resident Evil franchise. A slow moving undead horse with a tiny zombie on his back smacking its flanks with a riding crop is just what the show needs to show you it’s committed to this zombie apocalypse.
Zombies, by nature, are fairly slim. It’s an upside of rotting, you lose weight like a champ. Sometimes you lose whole limbs. Take that, Weight Watchers. Some few zombie films have taken the time to include the odd obese zombie, but I have it on good authority that casting directors go out of their way to find actors who are tall, slim and tend to have long necks, recessed eyes or high cheekbones when casting for prominent zombie roles because they can most easily pull off the part when in full zombie makeup.
But let’s face it, we don’t know what actual zombies look like because there are no actual zombies. We’re guessing based on what other people have shown us zombies are supposed to look like. So all someone needs to do is have one bodybuilder zombie in a show and we’ll know what they’re supposed to look like, too. A big juice with infected needle marks (not suggesting all bodybuilders are juicer, it’d just make for a cooler zombie) would be ideal here. Maybe he could carry a dumb bell around, or have a blown hamstring.
I actually saw this in something recently and for the life of me I can’t remember where, but it involved someone losing a hand and then using the jagged piece of arm bone as a stabbing implement. If you know what I’m talking about, please mention it in the comments section. If that’s not the best zombie attack ever, I don’t know what is. Sure the zombie loses a bit of reach, but they’re not really distance fighters anyway. A zombie missing two hands and using pointy ulnas as weapons would be kind of fantastic.
Face in a Beartrap Zombie
Zombie make up artists like to present novel undead creations. People missing half their faces, or with no legs or whatever. What they’re lacking is the morbid fascination with what killed the zombie in the first place. Sure, most will probably be the victims of other zombies, but it stands to reason one or two of the undead may have gotten where they are by falling face first into an animal trap that’s still attached to their noggin, or maybe they fell off the 10th floor of a building onto some rebar and now it’s embedded in their torso like quills on a porcupine. Hell, maybe their whole body fell off. Speaking of which…
Head in a Jar Zombie
If you’ve watched Futurama you know how awesome a head in a jar can be. The standard party line for zombies is that you need to destroy the brain to kill them. That pretty much means everything below the brain is literal dead weight which isn’t necessary for survival. And that means a zombie head could be kept alive on its own. Don’t question the science behind it, we’re dealing with zombies.
To the best of my knowledge, a bodyless zombie has popped up a few times already, but rarely with any prominence. The movie Cemetary Man made a zombie head into a girlfriend for a character, and there may have been a decapitated head blowie in Re-Animator, but that’s about it. Zombie heads deserve more than a sexual function. They deserve to be put in jars and used for gross study.
Brain Stem Zombie
In 1945, Lloyd Olsen went out back to kill a chicken for dinner. He cut its head off with an axe. The chicken, named Mike, walked away in that fashion that chickens do while we can assume a confused Lloyd stood next to the chicken’s head and watched.
As the minutes stretched on and it became apparent that the headless chicken did not have death scheduled that day, Lloyd decide to care for Mike, feeding it in its neck hole with an eye dropper. Mike, once he’d mastered the balance of a headless body, was able to get up on perches and even tried crowing like a normal rooster, though he apparently could only make gurgley sounds. The rest of his time was spent strutting around and attempting to peck at the ground without having a face to fully flesh out that action.
Mike started doing the sideshow circuit and he actually pulled off two solid years of fame. Seems that Lloyd had missed the carotid artery and left Mike’s brain stem intact. A blood clot prevented Mike from bleeding out and the only thing that did him in was the fact his neck hole had a tendency to get clogged which resulted in him choking to death one night when no one around had anything to clean his hole with. Tough break, that.
Imagine that chicken, only as a zombie. Awesome.