6 Things the New Iraq Needs

So all our soldiers are back in America now right? Something like that. If not today then soon as we have ended all wars and probably we won’t have another one until those Swedes push us a bit too far. Since 2001, we have brought freedom and democracy to Iraq, Afghanistan and probably a little has rubbed off on North Korea, China, Cuba and Iran. By next year everywhere in the world will be just like one of the Dakotas. We should probably just rename Iraq east Dakota now and save the trouble. They’ll all be wearing Campus Crew sweaters and Keds as they head off to Starbucks or for a delicious family dinner at Chilis. Word has it lots of East Dakotans have never even had Chilis. Will they like it once they try it? Best to ease them into it a little at a time until they’re used to Chilis, but then probably they’ll want it all the time, just like the rest of us.

But along with Chilis, there’s plenty more we can give to our new and free East Dakotan friends. Of course we need to prioritize but luckily for the government, the staff at Holy Taco is really good at this sort of thing, having a veritable f*ckton of foreign relations experience thanks to several spring breaks in Mexico and a trip to Amsterdam that resulted in an intern vomiting in a hooker’s lap.

As East Dakota settles into its peaceful and relaxing new world full of syndicated Friends episodes and errant anti-personnel mines, they need to start absorbing the creature comforts and necessities of life Jesus promised to every American on that fateful Fourth of July back in the 80’s. What things? These things;

• Bacon.

Word has it East Dakota is a veritable desert when it comes to bacon. Also, it may also be a desert. Can you imagine? That’s ridiculous,we’ll get the people who properly terraformed Vegas over there soon and toss in some neon and shit, make it pretty. Anyway, back when it was Iraq, there was some anti-pig sentiment. But now that it’s not being oppressed, the people there don’t have to pretend any more. In America, it’s not just your right to eat ham and bacon and sausage all in the same meal, it’s pretty much an obligation. It’s an efficient method of confirming you’re a genuine citizen and not a filthy robot imposter or a foreigner who is just as filthy. Eat it, East Dakota. Eat it often.

• SUVs.

Footage on CNN tells me there are a lot of American Humvees rolling through town over there, but most local vehicles appear to be those crazy Euro-trash lunch box looking pieces of shit and broken down pick up trucks. That’s lame and you won’t be attracting many tourists if you’re all driving around in cars that are about as sexy as Renee Zellwegger. People will go to North or South Dakota if they want to experience stuff that boring. What you need to do is start buying up a lot of Mustangs, Audis, Harleys, Passats, Rams, Porsches and BMWs. It’s a good mix of vehicles that are all arrogant to a greater or lesser degree and will make the rest of the future Dakotas nearby take notice. The bets thing you can do is start with a stockpile of Lexus RXs and go from there.

• Nickleback.

I don’t want to sound culturally insensitive, but have you heard the music that comes out of East Dakota?

Doesn’t it seem like, if there’s anyplace Nickleback could be put to good use, It’s here?

• Competitive Eating.

Sport units the whole world, but unfortunately right now the only sport that unites the world is soccer, which makes no sense because it’s so intolerably boring and terrible in every way and don’t bother arguing against it in the comments section because you’ll immediately be arguing from a position of wrongness therefore invalidating anything you have to say. Anyway, point is, to really be competitive you need to stop slowly kicking a ball back and froth across the green until one guy scores a goal an hour later, and instead gorge yourself on hotdogs. Or corn. Or tiny pies. And be obscene about it. Give out prizes to the most terrible, bottomless human. Now you’re cooking, East Dakota.

• Twitter.

Twitter is so important and awesome it’s a wonder how we lived so long without it and arguably the reason dinosaurs went extinct and Shakespeare isn’t alive today is because there was no Twitter. Suckers. Anyway, East Dakota just needs to get hooked up with some FiOS and then they too can start sharing their bits and bites with the world. Did you think we would end this bullet point without hazarding a guess at the sorts of Tweets we might be getting from East Dakota? Ha ha, of course not.

o OMG this heat is whack! Everything is Suuni in Baghdad miright?
o Just ran into Tila Tequila at Starbucks – totally looks like a bug. Told her the bus she got on would take her to Saudi Arabia, really goes to Afghani torture camp – ROFL!
o I Heart Popeye’s chicken

• Porno.

Dakota is probably a really good locale for porn shoots with casbah themes, or sultan themes, or camel themes. They have camel themed porno right? If not, East Dakota is going to be ground zero for that shit. Bad choice of words, I know.