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7 Badass Ways to Do Every Day Things Faster

Faster is the way of the world, man. Back in the 80’s it was cool to take the bus and wait till you were at home to make phone calls but in the here and now we need everything right away. We need to tweet the news as it happens and make Osama jokes before his carcass has even sunk all the way to the bottom and there’s plenty of other things we should be doing quickly, too, to give us more time for, ya know, stuff.

House Painting

Just because this is a Mr. Bean clip doesn’t make the point it’s trying to make any less valid. Have you ever painted a room? It’s ridiculous. You have to tape and cover shit and get rollers and do second coats and come on…come on! A paintspolsion is the way to go, don’t let anyone tell you different.


If there’s one thing the automobile industry fails at, it’s giving us cars that are rocket powered. What’s your problem, Kia? The result is we have to take matters into our own hands because sometimes 0-200 in under 10 seconds just isn’t fast enough to get us from here to there when we really need a Big Mac.


Some days, time just isn’t on your side. From the moment you drag yourself out of bed you’re already late for work. There just no time to do anything, much less eat a hearty meal that will give you the fuel to half-ass your way through your daily responsibilities. Sure, you can grab a Poptart and hope that measly little pastry makes you fit enough to take your boss’ crap for a few hours, but you know that won’t be enough.
So what does one do when time is running out and food needs to be cooked and eaten in a hurry? Damn modern stove and oven, and ignore the call of your microwave – just torch the hell out of your food with a blow torch, like this guy.
The video was edited for time, but only briefly. The guy made an entire meal, and he did it while wielding the raging fires of hell.

Cutting Down a Tree

Ahh, the Mythbusters. They found a way to give Kari Byron a minigun and call it something akin to science. Frankly, that’s awesome. As this video shows,if you have a problem tree in the yard, you could try a hatchet or even a saw and it’d take hours. You could try to be clever and use a chainsaw assuming that would be faster and you’d be right, but none of that comes close to the rapid and awesome destruction of 6 barrels firing at a completely unreasonable pace.


You know what the problem is with bicycles? They’re so…human powered. And safe for the environment. But if you’re trying to get somewhere in a hurry and all you’ve got if a Huffy with a baseball card in the spokes, you’re probably going to miss the birth of your child or your opportunity to stab that guy you hate as he takes his daily stroll through darkened allies.
The solution? Rocket Bicycle.
With a Rocket Bicycle, you’ll be able to scorch all of the other hippies on the sidewalk burn some more precious fossil fuels, and, best of all, that guy you hate will be thoroughly stabbed right on time.
Who needs legs when you’ve got jet engine technology strapped to Victorian technology?


Some people enjoy fishing for the relaxation and the way it allows you to get back to nature. Others like the challenge of man versus nature. And some dudes just want to eat a fish. And you could force a worm onto a hook and drag those fish in one at a time the way your grandfather did or, and this is key for those of us hungry now, taka page from the guide book of our hillbilly brethren and just blow up a small section of the pond. If nature didn’t want this to happen it wouldn’t have invented M80’s.


No one likes to shave and no matter how many razor blades get added to a razor it’s still not making the experience more pleasurable for anyone. Your best bet is to get it over as quickly as possible. Of course normally this leads to numerous bloody gouges in one’s face. If only there was a faster, less slicey way. There is! Fire!

This video might convince you to stick wit your Bic but that’s only the idiot factor. Setting your head on fire is arguably a piss poor idea at the bets of times. However, a well placed burning splint and a fast hand with a wet towel would probably leave you smooth as a baby’s ass and stinking like a cat that just ran across the stove in no time.

2 Responses to "7 Badass Ways to Do Every Day Things Faster"

  1. RonPonder says:


    Far better speed cooking

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    Bet the after-shafe smell on that last stunt is very popular with the ladies!