A Very Special Guest Article by Casey O’Donnell
Two things are undeniably true: people are incredibly poor
these days, and girls will not sleep with poor dudes. With this in mind, we’ve compiled a list
that will make you look rich, not lighten your wallet, and get you drunk
all at the same time. Here are 7 beers that sound expensive, but aren’t:
Carling Black Label
“Black Label” is a very vague name, and it makes Carling sound very mysterious. Mystery is a great tool to utilize when you’re tricking people. Also black things always seem cooler. Just look at black sports cars, black magic, or a black dress rolled in a ball on your floor, belonging to the girl passed out in your bed, because you bought a bunch of Carling Black Label. That may not actually happen, but then again it might.
Bottom line: anything foreign sounds expensive. Girls love foreign shit (i.e. accents, vacations, houseboys, etc.). Also, we can’t ignore the fact the name alone sounds like some kind of Russian Czar or the leader of a conquering army, which are two kinds of people that girls flock to. Do you think Ivan the Terrible ever struck out at a bar and went home alone? No f*cking way. Ultimately, every dude just wants a chick to be imagining a Russian Czar while she’s banging him, and Carlsberg might be your best bet to getting there.
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pabst is universally recognized as the official beer of hipsters everywhere, and this is because hipsters are poor, dirty, artsy types who don’t have money, and therefore gravitate toward cheap things (except for scarves). By simply playing up the “Blue Ribbon” aspect of the name, you can fool any average stupid girl from the South who’s impressed by things winning blue ribbons at the fair into thinking that this award was bestowed upon Pabst sometime in the last century, instead of being just a speculative award that the brand might have won 115 years ago. Just make sure she’s a really stupid girl and you’re golden.
Miller High Life
Another staple in the cheap beer realm, High Life comes with some great upsides. First, with “High Life” in the name one can only imagine a private jet full of models heading to sandy beaches with tons of alcohol and no condoms. That kind of trip costs money. Money is expensive. Also “The Champagne of Beers” for a nickname is a huge boost in the “tricking onlookers" department, because anything with champagne in the name impresses and sounds expensive. Again, aim for a stupid girl with this one (preferrably one dressed as a cowgirl and sitting on the moon) and you can’t go wrong.
It’s French-sounding, it comes in a fancy-looking bottle, and French stuff is usually fancy and expensive. An added bonus, though slightly unrelated: drinking Stella will make you popular in the hipster crowd, and those guys always have a cigarette you can bum. Also, hipster girls are crazy in a good way, if you can tolerate lots of tattoos, piercings, crying, and distaste of your music collection.
Brownstone Ale is a really obscure beer, and people will assume that this is because it’s so expensive that they haven’t even been allowed to hear about it yet. Just look at that fancy-ass bottle it comes in! Also, “Brownstone” is the name of a very expensive style of house in NYC. Who lived in said style of house? The Cosbys. What did they do for a living? The very lucrative professions of Lawyer and Doctor. So by the Transitive Property, holding Brownstone Ale automatically makes you a Doctor, and “Doctor” is always the best game to play with chicks drunk on cheap beer from Idaho.
The name reminds you of places like the Hamptons or Nantucket. What do those places have in common? They are expensive as hell to live in/visit/drive through, and that is exactly what everyone will be thinking when they see you holding this beer. Also the name, combined with the large sail boat on the label, is reminiscent of the old world, and old things are always expensive. Sure, sometimes they’re extremely worn out and dusty, but most of the time they’re also very expensive.