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7 Beers That Sound Expensive But Aren’t

A Very Special Guest Article by Casey O’Donnell
 
Two things are undeniably true: people are incredibly poor these days, and girls will not sleep with poor dudes.  With this in mind, we’ve compiled a list that will make you look rich, not lighten your wallet, and get you drunk all at the same time. Here are 7 beers that sound expensive, but aren’t:
 
Carling Black Label
 
“Black Label” is a very vague name, and it makes Carling sound very mysterious. Mystery is a great tool to utilize when you’re tricking people. Also black things always seem cooler. Just look at black sports cars, black magic, or a black dress rolled in a ball on your floor, belonging to the girl passed out in your bed, because you bought a bunch of Carling Black Label.  That may not actually happen, but then again it might.

Carlsberg
 
Bottom line: anything foreign sounds expensive. Girls love foreign shit (i.e. accents, vacations, houseboys, etc.). Also, we can’t ignore the fact the name alone sounds like some kind of Russian Czar or the leader of a conquering army, which are two kinds of people that girls flock to. Do you think Ivan the Terrible ever struck out at a bar and went home alone? No f*cking way. Ultimately, every dude just wants a chick to be imagining a Russian Czar while she’s banging him, and Carlsberg might be your best bet to getting there.
 

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Pabst is universally recognized as the official beer of hipsters everywhere, and this is because hipsters are poor, dirty, artsy types who don’t have money, and therefore gravitate toward cheap things (except for scarves).  By simply playing up the “Blue Ribbon” aspect of the name, you can fool any average stupid girl from the South who’s impressed by things winning blue ribbons at the fair into thinking that this award was bestowed upon Pabst sometime in the last century, instead of being just a speculative award that the brand might have won 115 years ago. Just make sure she’s a really stupid girl and you’re golden.
 
Miller High Life
Another staple in the cheap beer realm, High Life comes with some great upsides. First, with “High Life” in the name one can only imagine a private jet full of models heading to sandy beaches with tons of alcohol and no condoms. That kind of trip costs money. Money is expensive. Also “The Champagne of Beers” for a nickname is a huge boost in the “tricking onlookers" department, because anything with champagne in the name impresses and sounds expensive. Again, aim for a stupid girl with this one (preferrably one dressed as a cowgirl and sitting on the moon) and you can’t go wrong.

 
Stella Artois
It’s French-sounding, it comes in a fancy-looking bottle, and French stuff is usually fancy and expensive. An added bonus, though slightly unrelated: drinking Stella will make you popular in the hipster crowd, and those guys always have a cigarette you can bum.  Also, hipster girls are crazy in a good way, if you can tolerate lots of tattoos, piercings, crying, and distaste of your music collection.
 
Brownstone Ale
Brownstone Ale is a really obscure beer, and people will assume that this is because it’s so expensive that they haven’t even been allowed to hear about it yet. Just look at that fancy-ass bottle it comes in! Also, “Brownstone” is the name of a very expensive style of house in NYC. Who lived in said style of house? The Cosbys. What did they do for a living? The very lucrative professions of Lawyer and Doctor. So by the Transitive Property, holding Brownstone Ale automatically makes you a Doctor, and “Doctor” is always the best game to play with chicks drunk on cheap beer from Idaho.
 
Narragansett
 
The name reminds you of places like the Hamptons or Nantucket. What do those places have in common? They are expensive as hell to live in/visit/drive through, and that is exactly what everyone will be thinking when they see you holding this beer. Also the name, combined with the large sail boat on the label, is reminiscent of the old world, and old things are always expensive.  Sure, sometimes they’re extremely worn out and dusty, but most of the time they’re also very expensive.
 

39 Responses to "7 Beers That Sound Expensive But Aren’t"

  1. fitch mccoy says:

    stella has aids.

  2. Anonymous2241 says:

    Fuck all those Beer
    NEW CASTLE FTW!!!

  3. nerd says:

    A word to the wise. Just go to a Trader Joes or BevMo and pick up some obscure beers there. They are cheap and on average are pretty good. Bars will mark up your alcohol at least 50% Get drunk before you go out to the bars and you will save a lot of money, and then you can actually drink good beer for less then a crappy PBR would cost you at the bar anyways.

  4. Anonüm says:

    newcastle is retarded

  5. Bob says:

    u sir should remove your tongue for the utterly despicable things it is spouting the “The One and Only” is the smoothest most delicious beer ever. Newcastle all the way!!!!!!!!!!(the beer not the football club).

  6. mikes says:

    True story- I got busted at gunpoint by a hot chick cop after being chased on foot into an old folks home. I had been drinking in public, and had a backpack full of Black Label. She cuffed me face down on the floor in this lobby full of horrified geriatrics playing checkers and shit. Full-on flirted with her while being processed. I never pass up an opportunity to tell this story, and who wouldn’t? Straddled and clappered by a hot woman in uniform while in possession of crappy beer at the age of 19. Shit…

  7. J-dizzy says:

    not one of you clowns mentioned that Stella bottles aren’t even 12 ounces…straight BS.

  8. Melanie says:

    Stella as a hipster drink must be a regional thing. I think it tastes like donkey piss. Not that I’ve ever tasted donkey piss.

  9. cheap sumbitch says:

    I actually like PBR, when it was 12 bucks for a fucking 30 pack. You could take it to parties, and not give a shit if somebody steals a couple, and most people don’t fuck with it either.

    But since the hipsters got into drinking it a few years back bars charge out the ass for them. I went to some bar in KC, and they charged me 4 fucking dollars for one. Fucking hipsters.

  10. Rowan says:

    Stella is $$$ and carlsberg isnt exactly cheap. Best bet id say is: BudDry, Extra Gold Lager because gold is expensive, lastly Yuengling

  11. WTF says:

    PBR sounds expensive!? are you fucking kidding me

  12. Honey says:

    stella is not really expensive but it is drunk by common people who go out get wrecked then knock the shit out of each other before going back to their shitty homes. its not french its belgium, anyone who has ever drunk stella would know is as it says that its brewed in belgium on the can. carlsberg is incredibly cheap and very nasty its the cheapest beer at most bars along side fosters.

  13. Drafttekguy says:

    Great riff on expensive sounding beers!

    A good follow up would be bad beers with cheap names – Hamm’s being on this list . . .

  14. doctor ruck says:

    first of all stella artois is crap people do drink it because they think that drinking it makes them look “edgy”. You forgot one to add to the list OLD ENGLISH its got a fancy name that says “hey i speak with proper english” its extra potent 8.3 percent and best of all its a dollar for a 22 or 24 ounce and 2 dollars for a 40

  15. doctor ruck says:

    does that qualify as beastiality?

  16. Champion says:

    Stella is from Belgium, where they speak Flemish and French

    We call it wife beater cos it makes you fight

    Carling is the worst kind of fizzy piss out there. Similar to Bud

  17. Champion says:

    oh and stella is about 5% not 8%

    it really isnt a hipster drink in the uk. its a pikey standard (hence, ‘wife beater’)

  18. Horatio says:

    Stella is roughly about the price of 12 pints for £5, i’m not kidding it’s the stuff chavs drink, or whatever they’re called in America, lets go with white thugs who like 50 cent. Topped off with the fact it’s warm and flat because they’ve picked up a crate that hasn’t seen a fridge in sad, short, soon to be over lifespan.

  19. Fist of Rage says:

    First!

    Stella actually is a pretty expensive beer not made in France. Nice research HT staff.

  20. Pé says:

    Stella is a Belgium beer you twats, i drink it every day

  21. yourmom says:

    seriously, it’s way friggin expensive and since when did hipsters drink stella artois?! Are they stealing it from their rich dads? watch it HT, WATCH IT

  22. arch says:

    as far as i’ve known, stella has always been the beer that the hipsters flock to. i just enjoy the taste, not the lame image associated with drinking it. “omg, interpol is the best band in the world… pass me another bottle of stella that i can milk for an hour.”

  23. I prefer fuzzy navels says:

    It’s true… Richmond hipsters drink PBR all week and Stella on payday.

  24. lepach says:

    please learn to read…”french-sounding” not the same as “french-made”…. tards

  25. Token black guy says:

    In england stella isn’t expensive but its not drunk by hipsters. It rightfully gets the nickname “wife beater” as the people drinking it have no teeth, are bald and have server short man syndrome.

  26. nalin' stalin says:

    They call it the wife beater cause one guy convinced a judge he beat his whife because stella is too strong of a beer. It is double the strength of what the English normaly drink (a drunk man’s urine).
    Expensive, hipster, bla bla bla… Stella just tastes good.

  27. Token black guy says:

    As much as i hate you for hazing me, i can’t argue with the taste of that chemical nectar!

  28. Jimmy says:

    Yeah I second that. Stella is expensive.

  29. DUDER says:

    in england they call stella wifey b, or wife beater, because its really cheap there. so theyre only right if theyre talkin bout drinkin stella in england.

  30. J says:

    Where does it say Stella is from France? “French sounding” is how it’s described morons.

  31. An ona mouse says:

    not to mention frennch is the national language of belgium… fuckin tards

  32. Finnegan says:

    Actually it’s french, dutch and german !!!

  33. pick says:

    Is Wikipedia your home page?

  34. CB says:

    holy taco are getting desperate, 7 beers that sound expensive but arent……hold me back from reading this

  35. asdasdasd says:

    lol

  36. Chicoson says:

    My question is how dumb would the girl have to be to not know about PBR? I mean, your best bet is to get a girl who isn’t familiar with alcohol because cheap beer is also the beer of high schoolers. Nowadays, to find a girl not familiar with alcohol, you would have to sleep with 6th graders. That probably entails illegal things.

    I also second the Stella not being cheap. Though it does taste like piss like many other beers on here.

  37. Errr says:

    How on earth is Stella AKA ‘The beer for wife beaters’ a hipster drink?

  38. Steve says:

    Great article, good laughs.
    Thanks Holy Taco!

  39. Rocky Balboa says:

    STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA