For the past week or so, we've had this "Stoner Sidekick Quiz" ad over on the right side of our page, where you can win a TV or a PS3. The good people at Land of the Lost also asked us to write something about smoking weed, which got us thinking...and smoking weed...and eating a lot of food.
Eating food when you're stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth. These, in our opinion, are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned:
1. Pop Tarts
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts eat! The extensive variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S'mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting. They also come in two-packs, and there's nothing better when you're high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they're piping hot. The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness.
2. Sonic's Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
Anyone who's fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic's regular menu is basically a Stoner Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They're reasonably priced, so that you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you're even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of a rabid kangaroo and the physical manifestation of awesomeness.
The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you're feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
3. Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night. I don't know how it's possible, but the people at Doritos (who have to be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There's another flavor in the Doritos "Late Night" collection, called Taco Stand or something like that. That one is pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they're incredibly easy to find when you're stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they'll be the only product on the chip aisle that's in a black bag with neon light lettering on it. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP.
4. Bagel Bites
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century. It goes: bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and Bagel Bites. They're adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little buggers at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you've got the recipe for a great night.
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that's just sitting in your fridge? Well, it will compliment Bagel Bites perfectly.
5. Gatorade
Y'know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that's fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart? Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that's what it's like to drink Gatorade when you're high. It doesn't matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it's the electrolytes. Maybe it's the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it's the cool shaped bottle...or maybe it's all part of Gatorade's devious little plan to-- no, on second thought, it's probably the electrolytes.
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, anyone? Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you'd better try that before you start smoking, because it'll be way too complicated when you're high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
6. Jack In The Box's Taco Nachos
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box's headquarters, there's a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed, so he says yes to everything, and that's why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a breakfast chicken sandwich at any hour of the day. The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box's incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, their new Taco Nachos. Basically, they've taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it'll be pure bliss.
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add Hot Sauce.
7. Hawaiian Shave Ice
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona. About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you're sober, but when you're high, it is f*&kin' incredible. Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors. Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you're incredibly high, it's like the stars have aligned. Cherish that moment.
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It's virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it's going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin' mind!
Seriously, where's the fucking ice cream?! Sure there's shaved ice but NOTHING beats some ben and jerrys or a big ol dairy queen blizzard when your high as a kite! The icy cold with the smooth texture and a wide assortment of flavors... you can't fucking miss.
I feel sorry for lactose intolerant people. "The mu-se-um told us to be tol-er-ant" Milkshakes are delicious when stoned, as are most baked goods accompanied by milk.
i wrote a letter to cheez-its, blazed out of my mind, explaining to them that cheez its were the best thing i had ever tasted. i never sent it bc i passed out.
In my younger years our stoner food of choice was the Jack in the Box tacos. Deep fried with some sort of tasty dog food in the middle. Don't think my stomach could take it any more.
This is the first I've heard of the taco nachos. Looks like heart attack on a plate and stonerific.
I know those !! I used to work at Gag in the Bag when I was a kid (Texas). We'd get Mexican landscapers come in and order a whole bag of deep fried tacos for breakfast (at 7am - nom nom)
The fundamental problem with this list is that it's primarily North American foods. Have we all forgotten about the rest of the world?!
Born and raised in Russia I got used to such things as Black Rye bread, Sour Cream, Pierogies, and Kvas (aka Bread juice). Consuming a combination of any of these while high will produce a level of badass in your mouth that cannot be compared to any of the foods discussed... All except for poptarts with butter maybe :P
For me, its Black Rye Bread and Sour cream...fucking incredible.
Update: Went to Walmart McD's and am ghetto fab. No dice. Pie is standard modern healthy version. Employees looked at me like I was an asshole. A sad and wiser asshole.
Captain Crunch cereal. How could you not list this? This is the first thing most stoners I have met in my 40 yrs of life mention.
Gotta take issue with the Sonic tots. Its all a matter of taste, I know, but dude .... Tommy's Chili fries are the true winner in all chili categories. Other chilis turn into catchup when in the presence of Tommy's food. For those of you who don't live in the LA basin, Tommy's puts chili on everything they serve (other than the soda) without asking. The chili is a beanless paste that looks more like genuine diahrrea than most chilis. You order chili-fries with onions and it will look like a smooth brown heap with no sight of any fries. Throw some black pepper all over it and eat a half a pepper with each bite. Then enter stoner nirvana. Then detonate some some unnatural turds as they are exorcised from your ass. Worth every excruciating movement. The place is always crawling with obviously lit heads.
OTHER SPECIAL RECIPE for Pop Tarts: Spread Nutella (in yer grocery store) on that tart!
A few I gotta mention as well: Butter Finger Shake. Choco-Taco (taco shaped waffle cone thing half dipped in chocolate with fudge and caramel stripped vanilla icecream inside)
Dude, you forgot to mention Tommy's breakfast sandwich. It is an English muffin with sausage, egg, and cheese, topped with their wondeful chili. It's what God serves for breakfast.
You know who's good at getting high? Canadians. And do you know who's good at making delicious artery clogging food? The French. Hence the French Canadian stoner's staple food, Poutine. French fries, cheese curds and gravy, usually topped with some meat. Can't fucking beat it.
(309 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 4th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
"...the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit."
You know how I know you're gay....when you eat these your balls tingle.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
i'm hungry.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
not for balls...for shaved ice and taco nachos. i hope that doesnt make me gay, hobo.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
White castle.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I got stoned and had some Sonic chili cheese tots the other night. It was tasty, but unfortunately, not plentiful enough.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Seriously, where's the fucking ice cream?! Sure there's shaved ice but NOTHING beats some ben and jerrys or a big ol dairy queen blizzard when your high as a kite! The icy cold with the smooth texture and a wide assortment of flavors... you can't fucking miss.
June 4th, 2009 at 01:01 pm
Word. Some fucking cherry garcia and black berry frozen yogurt in a waffle cone aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhlllllll..
June 4th, 2009 at 01:33 pm
ben and jerry's was the only place in amsterdam i could find when i was stoned.
June 4th, 2009 at 01:58 pm
Ice cream is good, but it gives some people explosive diahrrea, which is super bad when you're stoned. Trust me.
June 4th, 2009 at 02:18 pm
I feel sorry for lactose intolerant people. "The mu-se-um told us to be tol-er-ant" Milkshakes are delicious when stoned, as are most baked goods accompanied by milk.
Stoner: Man this cake is awesome.
Milk: Drink me and your dreams will come true.
Stoner: You were right.
February 8th, 2010 at 09:15 am
im stoned right now and it all looks so good
February 8th, 2010 at 09:16 am
i like food right now
June 4th, 2009 at 03:43 pm
mmmm haagen daaz
June 4th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
hey i love it
one of the best lists
i check your site daily
go to mine for some wild laughs:
www.craziestpolicereports.com
June 4th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Fruit by the Foot is wonderful when your high, too!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
One time I made a sandwich out of the two ends of a loaf of bread and smooth peanut butter.
I dont know why but it tasted like a giant peanut butter cup.
Just puttin it out there,
/was high then too
June 4th, 2009 at 01:22 pm
Hahahaha, sweet.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
cheez-its.
June 4th, 2009 at 01:29 pm
i wrote a letter to cheez-its, blazed out of my mind, explaining to them that cheez its were the best thing i had ever tasted. i never sent it bc i passed out.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
The best is Portillo's big beef with onion rings and a fucking cake shake. STONER HEAVEN!!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
dollar menu at mcdonalds everything's a dollar nuff said
June 4th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
In my younger years our stoner food of choice was the Jack in the Box tacos. Deep fried with some sort of tasty dog food in the middle. Don't think my stomach could take it any more.
This is the first I've heard of the taco nachos. Looks like heart attack on a plate and stonerific.
June 4th, 2009 at 01:14 pm
I know those !! I used to work at Gag in the Bag when I was a kid (Texas). We'd get Mexican landscapers come in and order a whole bag of deep fried tacos for breakfast (at 7am - nom nom)
June 4th, 2009 at 01:01 pm
take 2 pop tarts put peanut butter on them and a banana mix it up microwave and its pure sex
June 4th, 2009 at 01:23 pm
CHICKEN FLINGS!
June 4th, 2009 at 01:27 pm
eatin pussy when you are stoned.....can't beat it
June 4th, 2009 at 02:24 pm
That's right... You can't beat puzzy with pop tarts...
November 20th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Mmm pussy is my favorite thing to eat, all the time :) I'm gonna go eat out my gf right now ;)
June 4th, 2009 at 01:42 pm
The College Rothlis-Burger:
1 meat paddy & pretty much anything you can justify in your fridge to place atop it. Creativity tastes delicious when your high.
June 4th, 2009 at 01:51 pm
Tollhouse ice cream cookie sandwich & Keebler fudge stripes... GO NOW AND GET THEM
June 4th, 2009 at 01:55 pm
Fun-size snickers, butterfinger BBs, Little Debbie snacks (all chilled in freezer). And of course...Screamin' Yellow Zonkers. THC approved...
June 4th, 2009 at 02:07 pm
Captain Crunch with chocolate milk! Seriously I could eat 5 bowls of that after puffing up.
June 4th, 2009 at 02:13 pm
Fruit snack blunts: gushers wrapped in a fruit roll up,rapped in a fruit by the foot. smoke headies
June 4th, 2009 at 02:14 pm
The fundamental problem with this list is that it's primarily North American foods. Have we all forgotten about the rest of the world?!
Born and raised in Russia I got used to such things as Black Rye bread, Sour Cream, Pierogies, and Kvas (aka Bread juice). Consuming a combination of any of these while high will produce a level of badass in your mouth that cannot be compared to any of the foods discussed... All except for poptarts with butter maybe :P
For me, its Black Rye Bread and Sour cream...fucking incredible.
June 4th, 2009 at 03:27 pm
Go home Russia. The article doesn't consider Russian food because Russia fucking blows.
June 4th, 2009 at 03:42 pm
wtf? hell no! russia's fucking awesome!!
and i concur on the sour creeam.. sour cream on ANYTHING is great when youre high.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
^^^^^ YES!!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 02:23 pm
butter on pop tarts is great, my gf got me hooked on it
personal favorites:
McDonald's Apple Pies
Horchata
Any Hostess/Entenmann's products
Papa John's Pizza
June 4th, 2009 at 02:35 pm
Remember the days when McD's apple pies were deep fried? (15 or 20 yrs ago)
If you miss those old school apple pies then I suggest giving Taco Bell's Caramel Apple Empenada a try. It will ruin you for life.
June 4th, 2009 at 03:22 pm
if you're ghetto fab, certain McDonalds inside of Walmart still carry on the deep fried apple pies
June 4th, 2009 at 03:56 pm
OMG!
::grabs coat, hat, cane, and teleports to Walmart::
June 8th, 2009 at 01:57 am
Update: Went to Walmart McD's and am ghetto fab. No dice. Pie is standard modern healthy version. Employees looked at me like I was an asshole. A sad and wiser asshole.
June 4th, 2009 at 02:29 pm
Captain Crunch cereal. How could you not list this? This is the first thing most stoners I have met in my 40 yrs of life mention.
Gotta take issue with the Sonic tots. Its all a matter of taste, I know, but dude .... Tommy's Chili fries are the true winner in all chili categories. Other chilis turn into catchup when in the presence of Tommy's food. For those of you who don't live in the LA basin, Tommy's puts chili on everything they serve (other than the soda) without asking. The chili is a beanless paste that looks more like genuine diahrrea than most chilis. You order chili-fries with onions and it will look like a smooth brown heap with no sight of any fries. Throw some black pepper all over it and eat a half a pepper with each bite. Then enter stoner nirvana. Then detonate some some unnatural turds as they are exorcised from your ass. Worth every excruciating movement. The place is always crawling with obviously lit heads.
OTHER SPECIAL RECIPE for Pop Tarts: Spread Nutella (in yer grocery store) on that tart!
A few I gotta mention as well: Butter Finger Shake. Choco-Taco (taco shaped waffle cone thing half dipped in chocolate with fudge and caramel stripped vanilla icecream inside)
June 4th, 2009 at 03:50 pm
gotta put cool whip on the captn crunch.
and mmm nutella.. hell yeah i can eat a whole jar of that when im high.
June 4th, 2009 at 05:18 pm
hell, i can eat an entire container of nutella when im NOT high.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Dude, you forgot to mention Tommy's breakfast sandwich. It is an English muffin with sausage, egg, and cheese, topped with their wondeful chili. It's what God serves for breakfast.
June 4th, 2009 at 02:57 pm
You know who's good at getting high? Canadians. And do you know who's good at making delicious artery clogging food? The French. Hence the French Canadian stoner's staple food, Poutine. French fries, cheese curds and gravy, usually topped with some meat. Can't fucking beat it.
June 4th, 2009 at 03:31 pm
mmmmmmmm delicious artery clogging foooood
June 5th, 2009 at 07:42 am
g-man is a stoner French Canadian? I guess I have to find a new HT commenter to have a crush on.
June 4th, 2009 at 03:01 pm
brie cheese... yes
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