For the past week or so, we've had this "Stoner Sidekick Quiz" ad over on the right side of our page, where you can win a TV or a PS3. The good people at Land of the Lost also asked us to write something about smoking weed, which got us thinking...and smoking weed...and eating a lot of food.
Eating food when you're stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth. These, in our opinion, are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned:
1. Pop Tarts
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts eat! The extensive variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S'mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting. They also come in two-packs, and there's nothing better when you're high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they're piping hot. The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness.
2. Sonic's Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
Anyone who's fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic's regular menu is basically a Stoner Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They're reasonably priced, so that you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you're even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of a rabid kangaroo and the physical manifestation of awesomeness.
The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you're feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
3. Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night. I don't know how it's possible, but the people at Doritos (who have to be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There's another flavor in the Doritos "Late Night" collection, called Taco Stand or something like that. That one is pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they're incredibly easy to find when you're stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they'll be the only product on the chip aisle that's in a black bag with neon light lettering on it. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP.
4. Bagel Bites
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century. It goes: bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and Bagel Bites. They're adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little buggers at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you've got the recipe for a great night.
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that's just sitting in your fridge? Well, it will compliment Bagel Bites perfectly.
5. Gatorade
Y'know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that's fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart? Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that's what it's like to drink Gatorade when you're high. It doesn't matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it's the electrolytes. Maybe it's the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it's the cool shaped bottle...or maybe it's all part of Gatorade's devious little plan to-- no, on second thought, it's probably the electrolytes.
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, anyone? Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you'd better try that before you start smoking, because it'll be way too complicated when you're high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
6. Jack In The Box's Taco Nachos
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box's headquarters, there's a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed, so he says yes to everything, and that's why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a breakfast chicken sandwich at any hour of the day. The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box's incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, their new Taco Nachos. Basically, they've taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it'll be pure bliss.
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add Hot Sauce.
7. Hawaiian Shave Ice
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona. About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you're sober, but when you're high, it is f*&kin' incredible. Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors. Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you're incredibly high, it's like the stars have aligned. Cherish that moment.
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It's virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it's going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin' mind!
Ok as a proud Canadian I would say I'm an expert on this topic.
First of all, Home Town Buffet didnt make the list??? When youre soooooo stoned its great and you can be there eating for hours and can discover some crazy food combinations.
also tacos.. like actually mexican taqueria tacos. haagen daaz ice cream. fruit loops with cool whip. double-stuffed oreo cookies with whipped cream and caramel syrup.
poutine is AMAZING when youre stoned, but unfortunatley not available here in america :(
Christ in a side car! Home Town Buffet?!?!?! There is no more drab an assortment of barely edible gruel than what that place shovels out onto the feed trough. That place is frequented by the elderly, large families with crying babies, and folks stoned enough to think Burger King is good. I have never been to a worse buffet. Bottom of the barrel, even when high.
Canadians .... pfff!
Your other suggestions sound good but are now suspect due to your love of the Home Town Buffet.
ok you have a point about home town buffet. BUT when you ARE stoned enough to think burger king is good (gag), home town buffet is kinda appealing. plus if you consider the elderly, morbidly obese and fat kids with no parental supervision as free live entertainment, it can be kinda fun.
It's an inescapable fact that snicker-doodles broken apart and placed into a tub of rice pudding is the greatest stomach high possible in this or any other universe. This article has mislead the people, the past, the future, and the present.
gotta try capn crunch w choc milk.cant figure y i havent already.hometown sucks btw cause the last thing i wanna do when im stoned is get lost tryin to find my table at a buffet
Check them out online - Eastern Canada makes the best ones in the WORLD!!! Good recipes online too... and trust me... make it once and as crazy as it sounds when looking at it, you'll be HOOKED! There is no other stoner food like
Oh, man - the memories, and wanting to get bent right now, another favourite Canadian stoner snack (at least in my neck of the woods)...
Peanut butter and corn syrup, mixed together and slathered on hot toast
Reeses big cup
ooooohh, honey garlic chicken wings!!!
GOD when youre stonned everything tastes GREAT, but when you live here in mexico, just one word: TACOS, real mexican tacos with soft handmade corn tortillas, grilled steak/toungue/pork with the best guacamole EVER
The only thing that would make the shave ice better is if they put some mothaeffin vanilla ice cream in it. makes something already amazing just that much better!
best thing ever:
You make a bagel, and on one side you put philly cream cheese (any kind will work though) and on the other side you put strawberry jam.
Then put both sides together and you have an amazinv bagel
Take an English Muffin and butter it heavily without toasting. Sprinkle a healthy amount of brown sugar on it with a dollop of maple syrup and few shakes of cinamon. Bake it for about 10 minutes at about 350. (Farenheit, I don't know the conversion.)
I used to love toast with Cheese Whiz. You can't get too complex when your stoned and looking for some grub. I say "used to love" because I almost choked when eating it and laughing. My friend did the Hymlic manouver, what a great stoner friend he was.
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
i'm 13 and of course never been high, but i know this is a great combo:
melt some butter in a small bowl and put about the same amount of sugar in while it's still warm so it will dissolve a bit. then, dip some flour tortillas in and you're party'n!
(299 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 4th, 2009 at 03:48 pm
Ok as a proud Canadian I would say I'm an expert on this topic.
First of all, Home Town Buffet didnt make the list??? When youre soooooo stoned its great and you can be there eating for hours and can discover some crazy food combinations.
also tacos.. like actually mexican taqueria tacos. haagen daaz ice cream. fruit loops with cool whip. double-stuffed oreo cookies with whipped cream and caramel syrup.
poutine is AMAZING when youre stoned, but unfortunatley not available here in america :(
June 4th, 2009 at 04:06 pm
Christ in a side car! Home Town Buffet?!?!?! There is no more drab an assortment of barely edible gruel than what that place shovels out onto the feed trough. That place is frequented by the elderly, large families with crying babies, and folks stoned enough to think Burger King is good. I have never been to a worse buffet. Bottom of the barrel, even when high.
Canadians .... pfff!
Your other suggestions sound good but are now suspect due to your love of the Home Town Buffet.
I put a Jihad on Home Town Buffet!
June 4th, 2009 at 04:21 pm
LOL!!
ok you have a point about home town buffet. BUT when you ARE stoned enough to think burger king is good (gag), home town buffet is kinda appealing. plus if you consider the elderly, morbidly obese and fat kids with no parental supervision as free live entertainment, it can be kinda fun.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:49 am
wtf, burger king is always good... standards are overrated.
June 4th, 2009 at 03:51 pm
It's an inescapable fact that snicker-doodles broken apart and placed into a tub of rice pudding is the greatest stomach high possible in this or any other universe. This article has mislead the people, the past, the future, and the present.
June 4th, 2009 at 04:29 pm
bagel bites are the greatest.but wheres the ruffles w onion dip? c'mon people
June 4th, 2009 at 04:30 pm
oh yeah..and reeses peanut butter cups.cold.good as it gets
June 4th, 2009 at 04:34 pm
gotta try capn crunch w choc milk.cant figure y i havent already.hometown sucks btw cause the last thing i wanna do when im stoned is get lost tryin to find my table at a buffet
June 4th, 2009 at 04:41 pm
Fruity pebbles.
Oh yes, they are made of amazing when you are high.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Its like a unicorn jacked off into a bowl and let you eat it.
June 4th, 2009 at 04:48 pm
Bagel bites! Yes! I like to grate extra parmesean cheese ontop, if I can still work the grater!
Also I gotta add:
1. In-N-Out
2. IT's-IT(s)
June 4th, 2009 at 05:14 pm
chocolate milk
June 4th, 2009 at 05:19 pm
you fat assed stoner bastards! i guess gluttony is the tie that binds!
June 4th, 2009 at 07:26 pm
Smoke a joint and get over it, my god.
June 4th, 2009 at 05:30 pm
Jolly ranchers are an amazing treat, but not a food
PB&J needs to be on this list
June 4th, 2009 at 05:30 pm
I have but one word to say...
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Check them out online - Eastern Canada makes the best ones in the WORLD!!! Good recipes online too... and trust me... make it once and as crazy as it sounds when looking at it, you'll be HOOKED! There is no other stoner food like
DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>--- DONAIRS ---<<>>---
June 5th, 2009 at 05:55 am
I'm not even from Canada, and I'm more canadian than you, The best stoner food in Canada are clearly TIMBITS and POUTINE,
Mmmmmm Poutine, Frys smothered in cheese curds and a concrete like gravy
June 4th, 2009 at 05:45 pm
Oh, man - the memories, and wanting to get bent right now, another favourite Canadian stoner snack (at least in my neck of the woods)...
Peanut butter and corn syrup, mixed together and slathered on hot toast
Reeses big cup
ooooohh, honey garlic chicken wings!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 05:46 pm
cheddar & sour cream chips
June 4th, 2009 at 05:46 pm
those greasy orange tacos from jack are pretty fucking awesome too.
June 4th, 2009 at 05:58 pm
Fruit loops/Lucky charms/Cookie Crisp/sugar saturated kid cereal is not on this list; your argument is invalid.
June 4th, 2009 at 06:11 pm
GOD when youre stonned everything tastes GREAT, but when you live here in mexico, just one word: TACOS, real mexican tacos with soft handmade corn tortillas, grilled steak/toungue/pork with the best guacamole EVER
June 4th, 2009 at 06:22 pm
The only thing that would make the shave ice better is if they put some mothaeffin vanilla ice cream in it. makes something already amazing just that much better!
June 4th, 2009 at 06:28 pm
plain ruffle chips + mustard
sexplosion in your mouth when you're high.
June 4th, 2009 at 07:37 pm
Pierogies, pan fried with butter and parmesean cheese on top, will fill your mouth with WIN while stoned.
Only works if there is a sober friend around to help.
Setting your kitchen/yourself on fire while blazed is counter-productive.
Honorable mention: Cinnamon twists from Taco Bell with Redi-Whip and caramel sauce. Yesss.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
I didn't know cougs ate anything other than Busch Light?
June 5th, 2009 at 05:53 am
You good sir are a true stoner
June 4th, 2009 at 07:54 pm
Baked macaroni and cheese with chorizo and smothered in melted motzerella cheese.
June 4th, 2009 at 08:14 pm
best thing ever:
You make a bagel, and on one side you put philly cream cheese (any kind will work though) and on the other side you put strawberry jam.
Then put both sides together and you have an amazinv bagel
June 4th, 2009 at 08:21 pm
toasted brown sugar poptarts with penutbutter.
June 4th, 2009 at 08:25 pm
penutbutter and fruit loop sandwich.
June 4th, 2009 at 09:00 pm
Take an English Muffin and butter it heavily without toasting. Sprinkle a healthy amount of brown sugar on it with a dollop of maple syrup and few shakes of cinamon. Bake it for about 10 minutes at about 350. (Farenheit, I don't know the conversion.)
Mmmmm. Crispy, crunchy and sweet.
June 5th, 2009 at 05:52 am
Seriously, who would do that, that would take a whole ten minutes, If i was stoned Id forget about it and burn the whole house down
June 4th, 2009 at 09:05 pm
cottom candy
June 4th, 2009 at 09:17 pm
I used to love toast with Cheese Whiz. You can't get too complex when your stoned and looking for some grub. I say "used to love" because I almost choked when eating it and laughing. My friend did the Hymlic manouver, what a great stoner friend he was.
June 4th, 2009 at 09:40 pm
TOASTED PEANUT-BUTTER AND BANNANA SANDWICH.
June 4th, 2009 at 09:51 pm
Rice crispies treat with fruity pebbles in em..... ooo lordy, also bacon peanutbutter n mayo on toast, so bomb dont hate!
June 4th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
BACON BAKED IN MAPLE SIRUP
June 4th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Bone Marrow with oxtail marmalade and sea salt served on toast points
June 5th, 2009 at 05:52 am
Damn canadians keep gettin through the filters
June 4th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
toast 2 eggo waffles
put on peanut butter and jam
put them together like a sandwich
top with ice cream
June 5th, 2009 at 10:19 am
This is also one of my faves!! (Just the PB&J waffle sandwich, I don't do the ice cream) I also love PB&J graham cracker sandwiches.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
microwave peanut butter and marshmallows in a bowl and stir.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am
marshmallow and pnb sandwhiches are my fav! but I never thought of just putting the two together in a bowl... try it both ways!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:11 am
i'm 13 and of course never been high, but i know this is a great combo:
melt some butter in a small bowl and put about the same amount of sugar in while it's still warm so it will dissolve a bit. then, dip some flour tortillas in and you're party'n!
June 5th, 2009 at 05:51 am
You must be really fat and boring, the stoner option is to run to Taco Bell and get the cinnastix, now grow up and start smoking the ganj
June 5th, 2009 at 12:14 am
PEOPLE!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:26 am
the Colonal is the shit KFC fucktards
June 5th, 2009 at 11:45 am
The Colonel ain't real---he dead...
June 5th, 2009 at 12:45 am
toast bagels philly strawberry cream cheese and cut up strawberrys. eat like a sandwich and cum in your pants
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