For the past week or so, we've had this "Stoner Sidekick Quiz" ad over on the right side of our page, where you can win a TV or a PS3. The good people at Land of the Lost also asked us to write something about smoking weed, which got us thinking...and smoking weed...and eating a lot of food.
Eating food when you're stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth. These, in our opinion, are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned:
1. Pop Tarts
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts eat! The extensive variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S'mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting. They also come in two-packs, and there's nothing better when you're high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they're piping hot. The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness.
2. Sonic's Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
Anyone who's fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic's regular menu is basically a Stoner Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They're reasonably priced, so that you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you're even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of a rabid kangaroo and the physical manifestation of awesomeness.
The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you're feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
3. Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night. I don't know how it's possible, but the people at Doritos (who have to be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There's another flavor in the Doritos "Late Night" collection, called Taco Stand or something like that. That one is pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they're incredibly easy to find when you're stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they'll be the only product on the chip aisle that's in a black bag with neon light lettering on it. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP.
4. Bagel Bites
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century. It goes: bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and Bagel Bites. They're adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little buggers at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you've got the recipe for a great night.
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that's just sitting in your fridge? Well, it will compliment Bagel Bites perfectly.
5. Gatorade
Y'know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that's fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart? Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that's what it's like to drink Gatorade when you're high. It doesn't matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it's the electrolytes. Maybe it's the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it's the cool shaped bottle...or maybe it's all part of Gatorade's devious little plan to-- no, on second thought, it's probably the electrolytes.
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, anyone? Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you'd better try that before you start smoking, because it'll be way too complicated when you're high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
6. Jack In The Box's Taco Nachos
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box's headquarters, there's a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed, so he says yes to everything, and that's why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a breakfast chicken sandwich at any hour of the day. The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box's incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, their new Taco Nachos. Basically, they've taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it'll be pure bliss.
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add Hot Sauce.
7. Hawaiian Shave Ice
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona. About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you're sober, but when you're high, it is f*&kin' incredible. Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors. Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you're incredibly high, it's like the stars have aligned. Cherish that moment.
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It's virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it's going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin' mind!
Some of this stuff is good(List and comments), but resturants aren't cool cause not everybody has them around them. I stick to stuff at home, or go out before I get stoned (A seasoned stoner know this!).
I too have some suggestions.
Drink: OJ or Good lemonade none of that soda tap BS.
Food: Grilled cheese, Pop corn with hot sauce, Hungry man frozen dinners (There big), and bread (Not only is good by itself, but its endless to what you can put between two slices of greatness.).
Sweets: Waffel crisp cereal, Ice cream(my girls fav), chocodiles (better frozen), and any candy even candy you may hate. (Cause it may be good while stoned I hate jelly beans esspecially the black ones but I can destroy buckts of them while stoned.)
Home town is really only good at breakfast time on the weekends(the bastards), I eat my own weight in bacon everytime.
reese cup and dorito sandwich is also a delicious concoction for when your stoned oh and hot sauce and potato chips and if you are a big stoney and it takes a lot to get you full i suggest mcdonalds double quarter pounder meal large or a triple whopper meal both suitable for someone who doesnt already need a heart bypass.
oka here is the one i missed in here:
1. take 2 slices of white bread,
2. lay them seperatly,
3. lay a plack of young cheese to cover one slice,
4. grab a bag of paprika(bell pepper) chips,
5. open the bag,
6. lay some chips on top of your cheese,
now you have either 2 options:
7. place the second slice bread on top of it all
8. slice it in half and tada!
the other option is to place another layer of cheese on the chips and then lay down the second slice of bread on it. anyway i hope you will enjoy!
In my college days, there was a pizza place that had a special called the "Hunger Buster" = 2 large cheese pies, 50 wings, pizza box full of fresh cut fries.....Best Combo EVER... and it was under $25
I can get behind this. May I add black eyed peas and some pepper vinegar for the greens?
Southern cooking goes a little better with a drinking buzz than with a good stone but hey, thats rockin food.
Peanut Butter on white bread dipped in Hersey's Chocolate syrup. (You can try it as a fondue but from personal experience it took 2 months to grow my eyebrows back.)
Beef ramon (chicken isn't the best with this meal)
cook the ramon and then take it out and put a plate or something over the bowl.
let it sit for like 4 minutes as the noodles soak up some more water and get softer
drain the noodles
immediately put them back into the bowl
put a slice of american cheese (kraft singles work perfect)
a teaspoon or teaspoon and a half of sugar
and the spice packet from the ramon
mix
mix very well, until the cheese is melted and becomes "sauce-like"
eat that and you will NEVER eat roman as it comes from the package again.
i know it sounds looney tunes status, but it's amazing.
KFC original chicken skin
wrapped around a KFC fry or potato wedge
dipped in KFC gravy.
The beauty of this one is if you eat enough of this greasy, cholesterol-packed decadence, your body will reject it and surprisingly, it tastes pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down. So really, no calories!
Guilt free stoner noshing... isn't that what life's all about?
Try Cornetto a delicious, crispy-baked wafer from hell, coated inside from top to bottom with a chocoloate-flavour layer, combined with a delicious ice cream
Dude I hear you on that...when I was in the Army I didnt have any money and I was to stoned to go down to the chowhall..I just mixed a big ass bowl of coco puffs and crunchy peanutbutter.. FANTASTIC!!!!
This has to be the worst list ever. A true stoner of the modern age would eat healthy things when he/she is stoned out of their mind. Organics, fruits and vegetables, even some dank pasta. Who the fuck would eat all that fast food??
(299 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 5th, 2009 at 01:48 am
Tobasco-flavored Cheez-Its.
June 5th, 2009 at 02:08 am
Some of this stuff is good(List and comments), but resturants aren't cool cause not everybody has them around them. I stick to stuff at home, or go out before I get stoned (A seasoned stoner know this!).
I too have some suggestions.
Drink: OJ or Good lemonade none of that soda tap BS.
Food: Grilled cheese, Pop corn with hot sauce, Hungry man frozen dinners (There big), and bread (Not only is good by itself, but its endless to what you can put between two slices of greatness.).
Sweets: Waffel crisp cereal, Ice cream(my girls fav), chocodiles (better frozen), and any candy even candy you may hate. (Cause it may be good while stoned I hate jelly beans esspecially the black ones but I can destroy buckts of them while stoned.)
Home town is really only good at breakfast time on the weekends(the bastards), I eat my own weight in bacon everytime.
June 5th, 2009 at 02:15 am
reese cup and dorito sandwich is also a delicious concoction for when your stoned oh and hot sauce and potato chips and if you are a big stoney and it takes a lot to get you full i suggest mcdonalds double quarter pounder meal large or a triple whopper meal both suitable for someone who doesnt already need a heart bypass.
June 5th, 2009 at 02:51 am
Corn Pops
June 9th, 2009 at 11:55 am
= corn poops.
June 5th, 2009 at 03:57 am
oka here is the one i missed in here:
1. take 2 slices of white bread,
2. lay them seperatly,
3. lay a plack of young cheese to cover one slice,
4. grab a bag of paprika(bell pepper) chips,
5. open the bag,
6. lay some chips on top of your cheese,
now you have either 2 options:
7. place the second slice bread on top of it all
8. slice it in half and tada!
the other option is to place another layer of cheese on the chips and then lay down the second slice of bread on it. anyway i hope you will enjoy!
June 5th, 2009 at 04:28 am
In my college days, there was a pizza place that had a special called the "Hunger Buster" = 2 large cheese pies, 50 wings, pizza box full of fresh cut fries.....Best Combo EVER... and it was under $25
June 5th, 2009 at 11:31 am
What the fuck. That's incredible.
June 5th, 2009 at 04:54 am
ice cream snickers bars...
June 5th, 2009 at 05:25 am
peanut butter and double stuff oreos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 06:26 am
Collard greens wif some leftover hamhocks, grits wif cheese and finally the beverage Kool Aid
June 5th, 2009 at 10:30 am
watermelon too? how about some orange or grape soda? fried chicken maybe?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
okra too?
June 5th, 2009 at 02:15 pm
I can get behind this. May I add black eyed peas and some pepper vinegar for the greens?
Southern cooking goes a little better with a drinking buzz than with a good stone but hey, thats rockin food.
June 5th, 2009 at 06:28 am
i dont think anyone mentioned toaster stroodles and when youre high off your mind toasters stroodles are the shit if i might say so myself
June 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am
toaster strudles is waaaay better then pop tarts - foooo shooo
and really where is the cereal at? there could easily be a top 7 cereals to eat when stoned
June 6th, 2009 at 03:29 am
I don't like lava filled pastries when I'm stoned
June 5th, 2009 at 06:29 am
White Castle or Krystal
McChickenMcBigmac (Big mac where you replace the buns
with the meat of 3 mcchicken sandwiches)
Watermelon and popcorn with chili sauce
Tacos
Pancakes, crepes, or waffles
Toaster strudels
Twinkies or other Hostess baked goods
June 5th, 2009 at 06:30 am
Peanut Butter on white bread dipped in Hersey's Chocolate syrup. (You can try it as a fondue but from personal experience it took 2 months to grow my eyebrows back.)
June 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
hehe...that sounds awesome
June 5th, 2009 at 06:44 am
Duh. Ramen noodles. It's the only thing some of us can afford.
Secret Recipe:
Make some ramen, don't add the flavor packet, drain the water. Add ketchup packets for a delicious spaghetti plate.
June 5th, 2009 at 08:18 am
OR, dont add packet, drain water and add ranch dressing and a can of tuna or leftover chopped meat of any kind. epic.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:29 am
i think i just threw up a little in my mouth. these both sound disgusting.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:31 am
or: crackhead soup..
Beef ramon (chicken isn't the best with this meal)
cook the ramon and then take it out and put a plate or something over the bowl.
let it sit for like 4 minutes as the noodles soak up some more water and get softer
drain the noodles
immediately put them back into the bowl
put a slice of american cheese (kraft singles work perfect)
a teaspoon or teaspoon and a half of sugar
and the spice packet from the ramon
mix
mix very well, until the cheese is melted and becomes "sauce-like"
eat that and you will NEVER eat roman as it comes from the package again.
i know it sounds looney tunes status, but it's amazing.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Fucking Disgusting.
June 5th, 2009 at 07:04 am
HAHAHAHAHA
This is better than the fuckin food network! I LOVE STONER FOOD!
June 5th, 2009 at 07:06 am
Ham and cheese toasties, go down a treat,
triple smoked ham
chese
bread
into a sandwich press
god!!
June 5th, 2009 at 07:12 am
pfft 'you'll burn the house down'
rookies
i'd bust out a full fledged breakfast:
eggs
pancakes
bacon
biscuits
sausage
waffles
half the fun is making everything
June 5th, 2009 at 07:47 am
In my days, nuthin was better than a slice of hawaiian pizza.
June 5th, 2009 at 07:48 am
KFC original chicken skin
wrapped around a KFC fry or potato wedge
dipped in KFC gravy.
The beauty of this one is if you eat enough of this greasy, cholesterol-packed decadence, your body will reject it and surprisingly, it tastes pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down. So really, no calories!
Guilt free stoner noshing... isn't that what life's all about?
June 5th, 2009 at 08:16 am
lucky charms should definitely be on this list somewhere! or count chocula!
June 5th, 2009 at 08:46 am
heres 1
get 2 slices of bread , white or brown , doesent matter.
butter both peices and cover them with grated cheese
when the chese is nearly melted, sprinkle chopped herbs on and sliced tomatto
then grill it untill the tomato is going crisp
then EAT THE GODDAMED THING BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am
This sounds awesome dude, I think I'm going to try it right now.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:44 am
have to pass, It is dangerous using a knife while im high can kill my self (bad idea) or kill you (goooood idea!)
June 5th, 2009 at 08:47 am
My roommate said I just started eating uncooked ramen like potato chips chasing it with flavor powder.
June 5th, 2009 at 08:52 am
Yellow cake batter
June 5th, 2009 at 09:09 am
Grilled Peanut Butter and Pickle sandwich.
who the hell drinks gatorade? Water or brewskies are the only way to go.
June 5th, 2009 at 09:15 am
Try Cornetto a delicious, crispy-baked wafer from hell, coated inside from top to bottom with a chocoloate-flavour layer, combined with a delicious ice cream
Try to place it in your nipples before.
June 5th, 2009 at 09:23 am
two words Pizza Rolls
June 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
douchebag
June 5th, 2009 at 09:55 am
Anything that is in the kitchen and put in a bowl. If you are blazed enough, it is pure heaven.
August 5th, 2009 at 03:29 pm
Dude I hear you on that...when I was in the Army I didnt have any money and I was to stoned to go down to the chowhall..I just mixed a big ass bowl of coco puffs and crunchy peanutbutter.. FANTASTIC!!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:17 am
brownies with powdered sugar, fresh hot pizza, a friend showed me ice cream with milk and some fruity or chocolate pebbles, pretty friggin awesome
June 5th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Fluffer Nutter
June 5th, 2009 at 10:19 am
This has to be the worst list ever. A true stoner of the modern age would eat healthy things when he/she is stoned out of their mind. Organics, fruits and vegetables, even some dank pasta. Who the fuck would eat all that fast food??
June 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I completely agree. I usually eat fruit or baked goods. who ever wrote this article must eat shit for breakfast.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am
you dudes are retarded. who eats healthy after getting blasted. i eat the most absurd shit.
June 6th, 2009 at 03:35 am
Fo sho that health shit is whack
June 5th, 2009 at 11:41 am
You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
you lamer
Post new comment